Factory Joke Thread – March 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Page 1>>

Jokes about the Irish

Jokes about the Irish
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn! There goes another one!"

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

"Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

From Aha Jokes

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The cynical philosopher!

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

This joke is an outstanding example of Justice Being Served.

NO JEWS PLEASE.....

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.

I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance." "They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

"Madam, thank you for your invitation.

In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.

His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of

Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina .

We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in

Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.

Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous.

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.

"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The Spoon

- A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very impressive! -

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour .

‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

lottery ticket

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The coffin

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him. ‘Thump Thump’ Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa. A few seconds later, and CRASH The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears ‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’ The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit. The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Next thing he hears is CRASH The coffin comes through the door knocking it off it’s hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming. Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming. Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin &

The coffin stopped.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Where Do Red-Headed Babies Come From ?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very
hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

The hit man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course
when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
“What do you do for a living?"
"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?
I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her . . . He's naked, too!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

watches

a woman had two dogs. she named them "rolex and timex"
why did she name them that?
they were watch dogs

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Today I asked my girlfriend

if I was the only one she’d ever been with

She said yes.

All the others have been eights or nines.

Wifely thoughts

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10
years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth
it !

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some
action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy!

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she
cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible
whining noise!

My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry
she ever married me!

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I
crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no
reason!

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90 per cent. It's called a wedding cake!

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup!

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for
her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Murphy's 15 other laws!

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

breaking the law!

Did you hear what happened to the semi-colon that broke the law?

He received two consecutive sentences.

A blonde was touring a farm...

..and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

Probably made a lot more money too...lol

Ole and Sven

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

"Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out'?"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Irish Jokes

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? A: St. O'Claus

Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Paddy O'furniture

A Hat

Bert at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

As I get older I realize

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down...I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the clothes dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are SO much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would really take longer.

#15 - Aging has slowed me down some, but it sure hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

As I get older

Melaqueman wrote:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down...I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the clothes dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are SO much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would really take longer.

#15 - Aging has slowed me down some, but it sure hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

This describes me to a T

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

After his exam

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. That's because...

The first time is usually in December, and The second time is in June.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

T

Timantide wrote:
Melaqueman wrote:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

This describes me to a T

Yes, a lot of time was spent doing research on you.LOL.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

research

Melaqueman wrote:
Timantide wrote:
Melaqueman wrote:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

This describes me to a T

Yes, a lot of time was spent doing research on you.LOL.

The only thing you should never forget, is your sense of humor,
without that you are lost.
I have shirts made for me that upset my wife. Nothing obscene, just funny. At first, my wife would not walk next to me.
Every time she complained, I got another one. Now she just shakes her head. after 55 yrs, She knows me

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A mixture

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore .....

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was

shot by the woman’s husband

New Book

A man goes into Chapters bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet.”

"That's the one; I'll take a copy.."

Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,

especially after what he achieved, winning

7 Tour de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike!

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard!!

So True

Before sex, you help each other get naked .After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?”

"For gosh sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

spy

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.
He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician. "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!".
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

Before the plane crash

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The old man and the doctor

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Senior's moment

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The value of a Nr.2 pencil

Carol was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping in class. 'Tell me Carol, who created the universe?'

When Carol didn't stir, but little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Carol.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class....
A little later the Nun asked Carol, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Carol didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ !!!' shouted Carol.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Carol fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question....'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Carol jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
That's the value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A nun harasses a man for drinking

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life."

Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking."

The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”

The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My wife must love me

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

You gotta

be of a certain age. No one under 30 maybe even 40 would know what a milkman is!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Funny you should mention milkmen

Melaqueman wrote:

be of a certain age. No one under 30 maybe even 40 would know what a milkman is!

Funny you should mention milkmen. When I was just a kid, people kept telling me I looked just like my parents' milkman. Then they'd just smile while my father got all red in the face. I don't get it.

Phil

--
Phil in Mentor, Ohio -- Garmin Nuvi 1450

And now you do?

plunder wrote:
Melaqueman wrote:

be of a certain age. No one under 30 maybe even 40 would know what a milkman is!

Funny you should mention milkmen. When I was just a kid, people kept telling me I looked just like my parents' milkman. Then they'd just smile while my father got all red in the face. I don't get it.

Phil

--
Nuvi 2460LMT.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Talking to yourself...

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

I worked in IT. Any good tech worth his salt will talk out difficult issues with himself. There's nobody else to help and one really does need to talk with someone who can help figure stuff out.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Milkman...

Lots of jokes about the milkman being the baby's father. When I was younger out milkman was named Jim Stiff. (Seriously - it was even painted on the side of the truck.)

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

'Off Color' Humor

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The parrot, he is dead!

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock."

SILENCE...

LONG SILENCE...

VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto...............if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A heartwarming story

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.

The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50 foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter...... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

depends

TheBeachBum wrote:

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

Loose any fights recently?

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

After all those years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club .. (takes a breath) .. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Advice

Man - Preacher, I'm worried about my wife. She goes out 5 nights a week and comes home late, drunk, and with her hair and clothes in a mess. Do you think she could be cheating on me?

Preacher - If she goes out 5 times a week, she is cheating on both of us.

apologies in advance.

How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

Page 1>>