Factory Joke Thread – March 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

<<Page 2>>

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch care. The first vet who was from Vienna took a long look it it and soon gave up, having no clue how to cure the hog. The second vet who was from Limerick gave up after an hour. One by one the high profile vets took turns and became frustrated when they could not ease the hog's suffering. Suddenly the front door flew open and a man stroms in, pulls a vial from his coat and pours the contents down the hog's throat causing the hog to immediately perk up. The man then turned to the billionaire and said "It took me longer than I thought to get here from Madrid but I knew the swine cure-all I've invented would take care of any problem the animal may have!" "Thank you sir! Bless you sir!" Exclaimed the old man, "I had no idea such a thing existed but I am forever in your debt! I just wish you would have told me you were coming and that you had a cure." The vet then turned to him and said

.

.

.

"No one expects the Spanish pig physician!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

he foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

"SUPPLIES!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

More Irish Jokes

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy

Q: Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?
A: Because you don't want to press your luck

Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A: When it's a French fry

Q: What do you call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland?
A: A sham-rock

Still new

In a small parish there lived a spinster woman who was getting on in age. Being a prudent woman, she decided she would make all her funeral arrangements so when the time came, everything would be the way she wanted. So she talked to the pastor of her church, arranged the music, the readings, the flowers, the tea that would follow. She chose her plot, and had picked out and paid for her casket, so gave the pastor the details on that. Then she spoke about the tombstone. Being a devout lady, and still a virgin, and proud of that, she wanted “Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin, back with god” inscribed on the headstone. The pastor said he could arrange everything for her, and so things were set up to the old lady’s satisfaction. She was content. Several years later, having reached a good age, she passed quietly in her sleep.

The pastor followed her wishes, and the funeral was held, the music, the readings, the flowers, the tea all as she had asked. After the service, he contacted two Scots stone masons and told them what she had wanted inscribed on her tombstone. They took the job, but being thrifty souls, thought the words were unnecessarily long, and would take too much time. They thought they could do better…and did. When the headstone was presented, they had carved into the stone: “RETURNED UNOPENED”.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?

If you pull the ring, your house is gone.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

the good feeling

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.:
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian,“and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian... was stunned : “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away” : St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. ”Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
”This isn’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” It’s not so bad, replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” Never,” replies Brian. “Well just relax and let it happen.” And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re s**tting in the bed.”

The Hypnotist at the Senior Citizens Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

What SHoT?

A golfer sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods.

He followed after and found his ball surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots. He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked, “Do know what kind of shot I’m going to take here?”

“Yes, sir,” replied the caddie as he took a hip flask of whiskey from the bag.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Unexpected ENDING...lol

Didn't expect that one...lol

Melaqueman wrote:

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

"Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out'?"

Heartless English

An English tourist was driving through Scotland when he noticed

a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep.

A few kilometers further on he came upon a small town,

so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar,

He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table,

masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the bartender and said,

"what sort of country is this?

A few kilometers back down the road there

was this guy having sex with a sheep, and now that guy in the corner

is furiously masturbating in full view of everyone!”

The bartender said,

"You heartless English bastard,

He's only got one leg,

How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Don't Stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied.

Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted.
“And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered!

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
21. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”

“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “

The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”

“You already are” replied the rancher.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ain't that so?

Timantide wrote:

“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “
The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”
“You already are” replied the rancher.

Probably more truth than not!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

One can make a mistake, but find the right words.

This is the secret of diplomacy.
==================

A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
The flowers arrived at the new business site.
The owner read the card which said; "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry, and called the florist to complain about the words.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake, and how angry he was, the florist replied:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake; but, rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location.'

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

It depends...

...on where the location IS.

Melaqueman wrote:

This is the secret of diplomacy.
==================

A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
The flowers arrived at the new business site.
The owner read the card which said; "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry, and called the florist to complain about the words.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake, and how angry he was, the florist replied:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake; but, rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location.'

Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker...
A young, sexy, beautiful girl. 
Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and
 you take her to the hospital. 

Now that's stressful. 

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. 
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. 
This is getting very stressful! 

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. 


After the tests are completed,
The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, 
And probably have been since birth. 
You're extremely stressed but relieved. 


On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home...
 
Now that is stress!!!
 

 
 
 

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

'Ear' Trouble

A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my Johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Seniors at the coffee shop

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled,"
volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to
which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he
slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully....
"Thank God we can all still drive."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

two irishmen lost at sea

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!

"Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.

"I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."

Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"

"Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.

The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya dumb' idiot! Now we have ta pee in the boat!"

getting into a bar

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine
and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand;
As Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli, (E. Coli) bacteria,
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor),
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of crap .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm Doing This As A Public Service!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Civilization in 2019 !

WELCOME to 2019....!!

� Our Phones - Wireless

� Cooking - Fireless

� Cars - Keyless

� Food - Fatless

� Tires -Tubeless

� Dress - Sleeveless

� Youth - Jobless

� Leaders - Shameless

� Relationships - Meaningless

� Attitudes - Careless

� Babies - Fatherless

� Feelings - Heartless

� Education - Valueless

� Children – Mannerless

We are - SPEECHLESS,

Government - is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians - are WORTHLESS!

I'm scared - Shitless!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said... "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked... "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Joke of the Week

Joke of the Week
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I asked, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

—From Reader’s Digest and RV Travel Newsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

At The Bakery

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing among the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, “but it's quivering a little."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Cowboy Rules

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah .. We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she’d better be cute, know how to shoot and drive a truck.

14. College and High School Football is (more) important than the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks (all combined), and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Points to Ponder

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Ear...

Must be the wax blocking it...lol

TheBeachBum wrote:

A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my Johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go for a adoption

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Mistakes

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

It was only when I bought a motorbike that I found out that adrenaline is brown.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

A Second Coming?

A mother brought her daughter to the doctor when the teen was experiencing some very specific symptoms.

The doctor asked, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother responded, “It’s my daughter, Darla — she keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor examined Darla before coming to his conclusion.

“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but Darla is pregnant, about four months would be my guess,” the doctor said.

The mother was shocked.

“Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man,” the panicked mother says. “Have you, Darla?”

Darla tries to cover for herself, telling her mom, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

At that moment, the doctor quietly walked over to the window. He stared outside for a few minutes, not saying a word, until the mother finally decided she needed to know what he was doing.

“Is there something wrong out there doctor?” the mother asks.

“No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill,” he said. “I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Coffee!

Coffee! You haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.30 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

In the days when insults were clever!

The glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

"He had delusions of adequacy ." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

*"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A man is on is death row and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Snowy day

‪8:00   I made a snowman.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:10   A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:15   So, I made a snow woman.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:17   The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:20   The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:25   The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not decorations.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:28   I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:31   The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:40   Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.‬
‪ ‬
‪8:42   I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your butt!"‬
‪ ‬
‪8:52   My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.‬
‪ ‬
‪9:00   I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.‬
‪ ‬
‪9:10   I am asked if I have any accomplices.‬
‪ ‬
‪9:29   A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.‬
‪ ‬
‪Moral: When it's this cold, just stay inside!‬
 

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

If you're happy

f you're a mongrel and you know it clap your hands
If you're a mongrel and you know it clap your hands
If you're stressy and aggressy
and your life is kinda messy
If you're a mongrel and you know it clap your hands

--
If only ..

LOL

Some people come for the POIs. I come for the jokes.

Most of these this month made me smile, so thanks to all.

Melaqueman's "The Value of a Nr.2 Pencil" and a couple of others, The Beach Bum's "The Spoon" and one other, Timantide's "Before the Plane Crash" and "Hooters," GA John's "I Asked My Girlfriend," and geo334's "Getting Into a Bar" made me laugh the hardest.

Sometimes humor and wisdom are not that far apart...

My wife just stopped and said, "you weren't even listening were you?" I thought ..."that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation?"

I got so drunk last night that I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see a bearded woman.

You're not truly broke until you notice that toilet paper is $1.25 a roll and fast food napkins are free.

Earl and Bubba are sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

--
John from PA

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man hits a rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

News - Harley Davidson speaks to declining bike sales

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7 Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8.They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

--
John from PA

This is funny, scary how true it is !

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.  
 
My headlights   are out of focus ,   and it's especially hard to see things up close.  
 
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.  
 
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.  
 
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.  
 
But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or  My Exhaust Backfires !

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

To end the month

Got   to  love  older people!

While  Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica for the sake of civility,  and to keep it from getting sunburned,  he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says,  snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an  eyebrow and replied,
"If you  were better looking it would lift itself."   

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

gotta draw the line somewhere.

My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down!

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