Factory Joke Thread – June 2026

I gave it ten tickles.

Some ladies think they have a tiny waist= Just because it's smaller than their Big Behind.

You can't change the past by worrying and you can ruin the present by stewing about the future

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some
action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy!

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she
cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no
reason!

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90 per cent. It's called a wedding cake!

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup!

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for
her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!

A young cowboy walks into a seedy old café in Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili.

After a few minutes of just watching him staring at the chili, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too!”

What do you call a canine that meditates?

Aware wolf

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the little amount of time you're inside them.

A friend who has worked in Chicago his whole life says it is not that violent.
He's a tail gunner on a school bus.

Right on !

than the tail Gunner on a beer truck in Baltimore.

A man once lent some money to his friend, but the friend later denied receiving it. So, the man took him to court.
The judge asked the plaintiff: “Do you have any witnesses?”
The man replied: “No, I gave him the money in secret.”
The judge said: “Then go to the place where you lent him the money and bring me a handful of its soil, so I can question it.”
The man was surprised by this request but obeyed and went to fetch a handful of soil from that spot.

While he was away, the judge turned to the debtor and asked:
“Do you think he’s reached the place by now?”
The man quickly replied: “No, the place is very far from here.”
The judge laughed and said: “How do you know the place is far… unless you were there and received the money?”

Thus, the judge ruled that the man must repay the debt and ordered him to be whipped with 20 lashes for lying.

They had a sign up that the facility was closed for training porpoises.

Q: What goes Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG Clip Clop Clip Clop?

A:An Amish drive by.

True

True

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but it takes a long time and the bulb has to want to change.

We all know zombies need brains. What does it tell you when one says, "You're safe."

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

I asked them to hold the pickles. Guess I'll just have to dill with it.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!! "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest meanest looking Bulldog on the carpet watching him work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

I’m afraid of elevators. I’m taking steps to avoid them.

TOP FIVE REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN… ????

5. YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

4. IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S GUN, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

3. A GUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

2. A GUN DOESN’T ASK IF
THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. ” On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”

“Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

“We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

“You’ve built a Golf Course too?

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?

She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

Normally I try to post things that are amusing but today is a little different. I’m really bummed out! I lost my job today for no other reason than I gave my seat on the bus to a blind elderly woman. Within minutes my boss called me and said I'll never drive another bus for him again.

Wow

Why doesn't Harley Davidson make green bikes?

Because they'd be mistaken for John Deeres