Factory Joke Thread –January 2013

Wishing you all a Happy & Prosperous New Year.

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.

4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

New Year’s Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot…

Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months.

A older couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a
table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old
lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.

Again he came over to their table and offered to buy them some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered......

"The teeth."

Take it easy, Doc, youre boldly going where no man has gone before.

Can you hear me now?

Oh boy, that was sphincterrific.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

You know, in Arkansas, were now legally married.

Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?

You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..........

Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!

If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!

Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.

You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?

Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that
he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After
the man explained his situation, he asked his
pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late
'70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said
the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest
woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old
trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live
longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what
time you do have seem like forever."

Excellent

INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST'S BALL?
REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST'S BALL

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audobon said he'd have to wing it.
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a
space in his schedule.
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

That's funny. I'm going to email it to 3,456 of my closest friends.

In the New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs
and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said; "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

I could see it coming from a mile away but I laughed out loud anyway because it is really funny

There were twin sisters at the nursing home and they were turning 100 years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two twins. One of the twins was hard of
hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "What did he say?"
Her sister answered, "We've got to sit over there on the sofa."

"Now get a little closer together," said the photographer. Again one sister asked, "What did he say?"
The sister with good hearing said, "He says squeeze together a little."
So, they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "What did he say?"
Her sister said, "He's going to focus!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Oh my God. Both of us?"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

Senior moments to look forward you.

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"Morris
replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms- Honey, My Love, Darling,Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the
man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after
all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

I want to die like my grandfather-peacefully
in his sleep not screaming like the
passengers in his car.

In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,
April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned..."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how to do it."

Lawyers
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

Good One!!!

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meet...ing – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc,
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

The common sense of the layman, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced
strategies is often employed, such as:

1. Change riders.

2. Buy a stronger whip.

3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Can be as useful as a saddle when it comes to protecting your arse!!)

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.

15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. (but the
competition for positions is fierce).

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,"
the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It's not the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

Two social workers were walking through a rough
part of the city in the evening. They heard moans
and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon
investigation, they found a semi-conscious man
in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten."
he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

One remarked to her colleague, "You know the
person that did this really needs help."

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they hadn't been baptized and didn't attend Sunday School. So they go to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One said to the janitor, "We all need to get bathtized cause no one will come out and play with us. Will you bathtize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took all of them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them
asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, cause they
pour the water on you, we're not Bathtiss cause they
dunks all of you in it, and we're not Methdiss cause
they just sprinkles you."

The littlest one said, "Did you all smell that water?" "Yes" said the oldest, What do you think that means?

The littlest one replied, "That probably means we're
Pisscopalians."

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

Good One!!!

A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice;
I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice:
"$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

A guy decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke....

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we’re married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and the boat.

The guy got this horrified look on his face.

She followed: "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied: "For a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!” she screamed, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't." He replied

Happy New year!

A woman is in a hospital in a coma. After a few days, the nurse notices that every time she sponge-bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.

The nurse, upset that her idea had not only failed, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what happened.

He replied, "I'm not sure, but I think she choked."

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

This should once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend
weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the
jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said . . . . "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller. "
.. . . . brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for
a long hot soak, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically,

"For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

--

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and
your family.

What do you do?

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife
think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

REDNECK ANSWER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ... (sounds of reloading)....

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving. What do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right, Dad. I saw it too ..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Can I have his boots?"

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did..

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

amen to that

Two Navy Chiefs are getting shit-faced at the Horse & Cow Clubwhen suddenly one of 'em throws up all over himself and says, "Damn, now mywife will kill me!" The other Chief says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocketand tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you $20.00 dollarsto have it dry-cleaned." So, they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. ... Eventually they stumble out and go home and the Chief's wife starts to chewhis ass out. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, the Chief says, "Nowway a mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha yew think. I only had acupla drrrinks. But thish damn Marine got ssick on me. He had one too manyand he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gaveme twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But, this is FORTY bucks!" "Oh, yeah, I almos' fergot....he shhhit in my pants, too."

Two rednecks, Bubba & Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life & thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes first & the Professor advises him to take Math, History and Logic. "What's Logic?" asked Bubba.
The Professor answers, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" " I sure do," answered Bubba. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the Professor.
"That's real good," answered Bubba.
The Professor continues:"Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, Bubba shouted,"Amazin."
"And since you have a house, logic also dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! That's incredible. Bubba is obvilously catching on.
"And," said the Professor,"Since you have a wife, I can assume that you are heterosexual."

"You're right! Why that's the most fascinating thang I ever heard of.I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world about to open up for him, walks back into the hallway, where Cooter is still waiting.
" So, What classes are you taking?" Cooter asks.
" Math, History & Logic," replies Bubba.
" What in the tarnation is logic?" say Cooter.
" Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
" No," says Cooter.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one
button at a time.
...No one moves.
...He removes his shirt.
...Muscles ripple across his chest.
...She gasps...
...He whispers:
"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then
asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The
pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Horse meat has been found in hamburgers in Ireland: People have gotten sick from eating it but they're in STABLE condition. (Rim Shot!)

Groan

Q. What is the differnce between Roast beef and Pea Soup?

A. Anyone can roast beef but not many can pee soup..

It's not many who follow the Julian calendar.

Ron