Factory Joke Thread –January 2013

Good One!!!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Funny: My farts in a one-room mountain ski cabin
Unfunny: My husband’s farts in a one-room mountain ski cabin

Funny: Cat barf on my husband’s side of the bed
Unfunny: Cat barf on my side of the bed

Funny: My neighbor’s trash bin rolling down the street
Unfunny: My neighbor’s trash bin rolling into my new Acura

Funny: My next-door neighbor’s dog stuck inside a larger dog.
Unfunny: Eight yipping and howling RottyDoodle puppies outside my bedroom window at 6 a.m.

A good flight attendant will greet me in the hotel
lobby with a hug, a kiss, a smile and a wink; and say,
"Good morning Captain! How do you like your coffee?"

A great flight attendant will roll-over and wake me up
with a hug, a kiss, a smile and a wink; and say, "Good
morning Captain! How do you like your coffee?"

A 7-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

For all you Grand Fathers and Grand Mothers, be sure you understand the question.

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
...
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the #1 answer is;

#1 - You can put a silencer on a gun!

Good one.

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say “1-2-3.” When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.’

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!“ Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?“

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with dangling participle.

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out ofworms.Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs aregoodbass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth,I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it inmy bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettingbit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a littlewhiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snakeinto the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog. Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was thatsnake...with two more frogs. Life is good in the South.
(Sent to me by a friend)

funny jokes

These always brighten my day!

should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers,so we could identify their corporate sponsors.