Factory Joke Thread –January 2013

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
 
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
 
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
 
"You dumber than buffalo s--t. It means someone stole teepee."

A picture of a baby boy.

Caption.

I cry and boobs appear.

The Redneck Olympics were taking place in Richmond VA. and the next competition was the Hammer Toss. The first Redneck up, representing Georgia, grabs the hammer and tosses it 250 yards. Wow, the announcer stated, You have broken the world record. How'd you do it?
"My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a fisher and I am a fisher have strong arms, throw hammer far.

The second Redneck, representing Mississippi grabs the hammer and tosses it 300 yards.
"You just broke the last guy’s world record. How'd you do it?" My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am a logger have strong arms, throw hammer far.

The third Redneck, representing Alabama grabs the hammer and throws it 375 yards.
The announcer was astonished You just blew everyone away. How'd you do it?
My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on welfare and I am on welfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool, pick it up and throw it as far away as possible.

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi... I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for!"

The rabbi is incensed! He picks up the phone, calls the board president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up
against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.
Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they
were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a
physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and
boys meet?"

The mathematician said: "Never."

The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."

The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close
enough for all practical purposes."

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store

ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors here. The value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good-looking and help with housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!

http://pbs.twimg.com/media/A_zmIFwCAAE72Na.jpg:large

What has a bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

No joke here for every state that I know of has gun owners. The question is how many of those gun owners have military type weapons that can kill 20 plus children in the shortest time possible?

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

If you don't have a joke then you shouldn't post your personal messages here.

good one!!

The ZIPPER -
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus
was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her
chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and

placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

"How dare you touch my body!

I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my
fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends."

Short, but Sweeet !

I love it, keep up the good jokes

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don`t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let`s take my short cut and go down this alley. We`ll be there in no time.

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won`t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I`ll hold the chickens

man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital.
His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."

I read an article about the way to get inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....

And before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, my Prozac, some valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel....

I read an article about the way to get inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....

And before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, my Prozac, some valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel....

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

The map was a joke to me.

Thanks to everybody who submits jokes. This is my favorite site and the people I forward the jokes to like them, too.

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter.

It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So , as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

Ditto

If you don't have a joke then you shouldn't post your personal messages here.
The above post I have to think it was posted to me.
I will no longer be normal and from now on lower my responses to make sure that the less informed can understand my posts.
WOW!! This is the best joke I ever posted.

Do you know why Married Women usually weigh more than Single Women?

Well, I do.

A single woman comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, and then goes to bed.

A married woman comes home, sees what's in the bed, then goes to the refrigerator.

A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The boss is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at work is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95, and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to buzz off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

GeoC320 posted a non joke on this site which I thought was not funny and stated so.
Tonight as I watched the national news I find that there was a school shooting in Houston Texas with several injuries.
Should I applaud the fact that Texas has just as many guns per capita as most states do or find it reprehensible that an idiot used a gun to satisfy his own anger against the public and used his.
I suggest that attempts at gun humor be severally thought out before posting.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week
vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an
emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, since
we will be in such a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, the
odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands
safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, have we already sent our tax return to the IRS with the $5000 payment due?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds. "Not yet."
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for
the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I haven't yet sent those either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

How do you make Holy Water?
-Boil the hell out of it.

GIVE IT A REST! TAKE IT ELSEWHERE!! YES, I AM YELLING!!!

Thank you!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Pennsylvania, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Not very far from Pennsylvania is Washington DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 47 -- One to change the bulb and a team of 46 lawyers to copyright iChange; the alternate light bulb protocol and then sue anyone else who changes a light bulb, ever.

Where's the like button when you need it?

Never get tired of this story

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf
and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest
shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does!"

--Good One!

My GF had a colonostopy and an endoscopy. Doc had her swallow a camera, then retrieve it from her stool. The lab would download the pics. She was like, YUK! Then I told her that the lab puts in fresh batteries and use the cameras again.
I told her I was kidding. She called me a mean name.

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference
in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took
our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought
our water and utensils, I observed that he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back
to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired
Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging
out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' "Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

http://www.military.com/video/operations-and-strategy/terror...

Box Car,
Thank you very much. one of the best sites I have seen in quit a while.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later his company
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had
tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small
x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly
stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and
the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The
engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed.
He told his playmate, I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep. The Dr. agreed.

The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days. After about a week he got to see his playmate again.

The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied 'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are.'

Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly damaged foot.
The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened?" he asked.

"Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr. Thompson," Fergo began.

"But about your foot?" the doc said.

"This is about my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful daughter.
The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.

The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was comfortable.

The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently.

"It was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant," Fergo said. "I was so annoyed with myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

A man in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read...

"I miss Chicago."

So, he broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read...

"I hope this helps!"