Factory Joke Thread – April 2015

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

Have fun....

~Angela

See also

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Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Cookies

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

--
rvOutrider

Speed Trap

Seen it before but still good ... smile

--
Nuvi 2460

Golf in Heaven

A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place.

“Right over here we have our very own golf course.”

“Wow! It’s beautiful! Can we play it now?” they both asked.

“Sure,” said the angel.

So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect… the fairways, the greens, even the rough. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

“I can’t understand why you’re not happy. We’re in Heaven! We’re together! We’re playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

“If you hadn't fed us all that damn health food, we’d have been here years ago!”

A Love Affair

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate... and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

I Don't Know

rvOutrider wrote:

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

But I kicked out of the boy scouts for eating a brownie. cool

Return to Sender

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Go Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

To be 8 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

--
nuvi 1390 LT, nuvi 1450 LMT, Win 10

Quick and Short Puns

Remember Mark Hamill from Star Wars? He doesn't like to eat in Chinese restaurants. He likes the food fine, but has a lot of trouble using chopsticks. Just when he starts to get really frustrated, this voice whispers in his ear, "Use the Forks Luke."

Dick Whittington was investigating warring factions of a Chinese secret society. Suddenly, his pet was taken hostage! When Dick reported the abduction to the police, the officers were unsympathetic. "What's the matter," they teased, "Tong got your cat?"

It seems that the Queen of England visited the city of Mercy Australia on the occasion of their centennial. During the celebration the Mayor offered the Queen a cup of their famous Koala Tea. Upon taking a sip, the Queen remarked " There is a hair in my tea" to which the Mayor replied " Yes - didn't you know? The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained" !!

5 short horror stories

"You hear your mom calling you into the kitchen. As you are heading down the stairs, you hear a whisper from the closet saying, 'Don't go down there honey. I heard it too.'"

"My wife woke me up last night to tell me there was an intruder in our house. She was murdered by an intruder 2 years ago."

"'I can't sleep,' she whispered, crawling into bed with me. I woke up cold, clutching the dress she was buried in."

"The last thing I saw was my alarm clock flashing 12:07 before she pushed her long, rotting nails through my chest, her other hand muffling my screams. I sat bolt upright, relieved it was only a dream. But as I saw my alarm clock read 12:06, I heard my closet door creak open."

"My sister says that mommy killed her. Mommy says that I don't have a sister."

Bovine families

What did the buffalo say when his boy went off to school?

"Bison"

NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT........

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened it's heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same
work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.......

"Try doing it with the engine running."

ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW..

A Cup of Tea made with cold water
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge
of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little
'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was
just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy
tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!' Grandma waited, and sure enough, here
I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she
watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "'Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?"

Aussies

An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'

The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'

The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'

The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'

The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'

The Barman says 'What?!?!'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Tyrone

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad,Tyrone.

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.

A woman was about to go into labor.

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.
The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%. 20% of the pain was transferred, but the husband didn't feel anything. He says, "crank it up, doc." The setting goes up to 40%. The husband still doesn't feel anything. He says, "I'm still okay. Crank it up, I'm sure I can handle it." The perplexed doctor raises the setting to 60%. The husband, still completely unfazed, says, "Wow. This is 60%? I don't know what she always complains about." The doctor, now beginning to doubt the device, cranks it up to 100%. The woman delivers her child painlessly, and the husband still doesn't feel anything.
The happy couple go home, where they are greeted by a neighbor. He says, "You wouldn't believe what happened when you were gone! The mailman suddenly fell to the ground, screamed in increasing agony for 20 minutes, and died!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

One Liners...

I changed my iPod's name to "Titanic". It's syncing now.

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

An old soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

boo

Hiss

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

GARDENING WITH GRANDMA

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
Once again ........DON'T MESS WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN !!!

Passing of an old friend

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

--
nuvi 1390 LT, nuvi 1450 LMT, Win 10
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