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Frequently Asked Questions
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer,
so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign.
He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun had made a note, "Take only one, God is watching!"
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One of the boys had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
"When I got fired, you were there to support me."
"When my business failed, you were there."
"When I got shot, you were by my side."
"When we lost the house, you gave me support."
"When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these a**holes! They've come to steal your land."
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Capricorn and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents house for
dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family
and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The
Woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks tn
her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas
pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides tn relieve herself a
bit and lets nut a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone
at the table heard the pouf.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her
boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been
snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile
came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was
beginning tn feel the pain again. This time, she didn't
even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dug and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one
rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a
fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dug with disgust and
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she sh!!s on
All people bring me joy. Some as they enter the room, others as they leave.
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is way better.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
6. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. - Not verified on Snopes, but it sounds legit.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2015:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
Because it was two-tired!
What kind of dog can use the phone?
Sometimes a joke crosses into reality.
Other times they begin in reality and the humor comes out later.
That goes along with the one that says: Some people are like a slinky. Not really good for anything but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
I changed my iPod's name to "Titanic". It's syncing now.
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
An old soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
1) Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
2) Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
3) Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
4) Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
5) What do they pack styrofoam in?
6) Why did God give men nipples?
7) If buttered toast always lands butter-side up, and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
8) Is grass really greener on the other side?
9) Do boxer shorts box?
10) Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
11) If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
12) If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
13) Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
14) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
15) Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
16) Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
17) Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
18) Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mine?
19) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
20) How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
21) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
22) If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
23) If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
24) You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"
25) Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
26) Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment , but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
27) You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
28) Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
29) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
30) Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
31) What does Geranimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
32) If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
33) Why ask why? Try Bud dry. Then again, if Bud's made from water, how can it be dry?
34) Why is there a Permanent Press setting on an iron if it does not work?
35) Why is keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little buttons?
36) Do you think the Assassination Museum was created after JFK's assassination?
37) If pot grows naturally, and we outlaw pot (nature), are we outlawing God?
38) Does miniature golf enhance a drug trip?
39) When an elevator is illegally overloaded with passengers, who is criminally responsible?
40) Why do cornflakes and Sugar Frosted Flakes have the same number of calorie s per serving?
41) How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
42) Why are US elections held on Tuesdays?
43) Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?
44) Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit gum?
45) Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?
46) Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?
47) Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?
48) Why does rootbeer taste flatter than any other colas?
49) Why do other people hear our voices different than we do?
50) If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist?
51) Where do they get that awful music for ice skating?
52) Why does X stand for a kiss?
53) Why does O stand for a hug?
54) Why is saffron so expensive?
55) What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages ?
56) Why did Nabisco eliminate the red string on the wrappers of its Saltine two and four packs?
57) Why do Wintergreen Life Savers sparkle in the dark?
58) What's the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?
59) Why do we itch?
60) Why do the minute hands on school clocks always click backward before advancing?
61) What causes holes in Swiss cheese?
62) How was the order of the alphabet determined?
63) Why don't penguins in the Antarctic ever get frostbite?
64) Why do we tie shoes on the back of newlyweds' cars?
65) How does Kraft get the five ounces into every slice of American Singles?
66) Why don't we get goosebumps on our faces?
67) What is the purpose of the little ball on top of the flag pole?
68) Why is Jack a nickname for John?
69) Why do Curad bandages sparkle when you open them?
70) Why do your feet swell on an airplane?
71) Why do doughnuts have holes?
72) How do they get the cream in the twinkie?
73) Why do some ranchers put old boots on fenceposts?
74) Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?
75) Do toilet seats really protect us against anything?
76) Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?
77) Why are most homes white?
78) Why do old women dye their hair blue?
79) Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
80) Why are cows milked from the right side?
81) Why are the toilet flush handles on the left side?
82) Why does a soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large bottle or can?
83) Why do firehouses have dalmatians?
84) Why is 40% called 80 proof?
85) Why does unscented hairspray smell?
86) Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge?
87) Why do we have to DRY clean raincoats?
88) Why do you often see a shoe lying on the side of the street?
89) Why are there more brown M&M''s than any other color?
90) Why is yawning contagious?
91) Where do swear words come from?
92) Why are movie theaters always so cold?
93) Why is everything in Texas so big?
94) Why are school buses painted yellow?
95) Where does the lost sock in the washers and dryers go?
96) Why are jeans so hard to fit into?
97) Why is a black light not black?
98) Why does glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?
99) If taught, do gorillas really understand sign language?
100) Why do brown eyes see better in the sun than blue eyes?
101) Why do scars never go away?
102) Who killed JFK?
103) How does the Cheshire cat only show his smile?
104) What did Robinson Caruso do with Friday on Saturday night?
105) Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?
106) Why is it called a Ceasar's salad, did he invent it?
107) How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?
108) Who really took a bite out of the Apple logo?
109) How can someone walk up a hill both ways through 32 feet of snow butt naked?
110) Why is it called football when you really don't use your feet at all?
111) How does one actually zip their lip?
112) Can your face actually freeze while making ugly faces?
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties . . .
is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . . was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle: Keep Away From Children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . . is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do?
You opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.
And you will get rid of a useless politicians while you are at it.
And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
The patient is in pain and complains, "Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" "I used two fingers," the doctor replies. The surprised patient asks, "What for?" The doctor says, "I needed a second opinion."
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing around with his wife.
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?" The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?" The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she does her business in little plastic bags."
A husband asked his wife, "Honey, what do you like most in me, my handsome face or my strong body?"
She looked at him from head to toe and replied, "Your sense of humor."
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after
Patrick stopped by the local Pub on his way home from work. He stayed a bit longer than he should have so he decided to let his wife know so she wouldn't worry. He sent her this text:
"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."
A guy walks into an auto parts shop and says he'd like a new gas cap for his Yugo. The clerk pauses for a second to think and then says "That seems like a fair trade."
A guy walks into an auto parts shop and says he'd like a new gas cap for his Yugo. The clerk pauses for a second to think and then says "That seems like a fair trade."
The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister, Claire!"
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.
They warned her about going Out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
End up with a bunch of tater tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam To watch out
For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And
When she went out West, to Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped...
Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for Her, one-day Yam came home And announced she was Going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just....... Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Here it is!
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
My first car was a Yugo.
It looked like this one, but a little cuter (it had a girly pink and blue racing stripes).
My mom joked that if it had another door it would be a "Wego" and suggested I chain lock it to the front porch so someone wouldn't be able to walk off with it.
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
" Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the road?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a Blondie at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
Bob took the money.
"A bad day on the water is better than a good day anywhere else."
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?''
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls''
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied,"No, I’m just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now'' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening, "If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!''
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said ‘No’ .. I kept thinking
‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said,
‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
‘Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST REASON:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, hut it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know” explained the boy, "I leaned over and went Pssst! and it didn't move."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs, too:
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, Ill run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed, She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
It was that, time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron.”
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat" I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, “but what's growing in your butt?"
One day tile first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said. "The sky is falling!” The teacher then asked the class. "And what do you think that farmer said One little girl raised her hand and said,”I think he said: “Holy Sh*t A talking chicken!” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes,
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.
The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.
She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. "Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.
Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now tell HIM you have a headache."
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