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Joke isn't it?
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one just ducked...
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are!
Coming into work one morning employees found a strange looking box that had been left on the loading dock. Attached to the box was a warning label that said: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"
Not knowing what to do, or how dangerous the contents of the box might be, a employee called 911. The Police dispatcher told everyone to stay clear of the box until the Police Bomb Squad arrived and who would then determine the extent of the danger...
When the Bomb Squad arrived they evacuated the area as one of the Bomb Squad experts donned their safety equipment and approached the box.
After carefully inspecting the "Danger! Do Not Touch!" labeled box, it was determined that no danger existed... as the box contents were stick-on labels that read:
"Danger! Do Not Touch!"
as the box contents were stick-on labels that read:
Sounds like something our office would have ordered and handled.
It's time to turn off your computer when...
...you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.
...you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.
...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
...you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
...you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).
...you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
...you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
...you check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.
...you don't know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.
...you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
...you tell the cab driver to take you to http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
...you start tilting your head sideways to smile.
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
....an April Fools joke, eh?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her return,
her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what
ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, iff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me
little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.
She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Caribbean ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'
A horse is a very stable animal.
If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.
There were three horses on a ship including a sick bay.
After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.
One horse said to another: your pace is familiar but I don't remember the mane.
Grandpa of the year
A woman happened to be following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson while grocery shopping. The grandfather certainly had his hands full with the child who continually screamed for candy and cookies.
But, the grandfather spoke in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy."
The boy continued with the outbursts and the grandfather calmly said : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."
At the checkout the little horror continued throwing items out of the shopping cart, but the Grandfather remained steady and said in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman walked outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the little boy into the car and said , "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William certainly is lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I’m William.
This little bastard's name is Kevin".
...and thanks to johnm405 for BOTH 'Grandma's Boyfriend' and 'Grandpa Of The Year.' Both jokes made me laugh out loud. Guess I'm shifting into the senior demographic heh. Is Lawrence Welk still on??
Is Lawrence Welk still on??
NO. But years ago there was Mitch Miller who reminded us that when we were young it was:
Wine, Woman and Song.
But once we got older it became:
Metracal, Same Old Gale... and sing along with Mitch!
Ah yes! The Mitch Miller who some genius at Columbia Records employed in A&R. Mitch was very reluctant but ultimately did agree to sign a young Bob Dylan after having already famously passed on Elvis (unwilling to meet manager "Col." Tom Parker's price), Buddy Holly, and as rumored, the sine qua non 1960s act, The Beatles, and who knows what other rock and pop artists who fled to Capitol, RCA, London Records, eventually Reprise/Warner, and smaller labels, costing Columbia Records untold millions of dollars. But hey, Mitch Miller stuck to his anti-rock-n-roll guns, and that's what counts when you're in A&R, right?? your own personal taste in music.
(/that's OK, Mitch; I wouldn't have signed Eminem.)
And let's not forget the forerunner of The Gong Show/Star Search/America's Got Talent and boomer grandparent TV favorite: Ted Mack's Original Amateur Hour (Major Bowes was before my time), brought to you by Geritol.
Non-boomer whippersnapper update: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geritol
The Halifax Three: The Man Who Wouldn't Sing Along With Mitch
We'll have to hang him from the rafters
Burn him as a witch
The man who wouldn't sing along with Mitch
Note: Denny Doherty (who wrote the song) was later one of the Mamas & The Papas
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and chick pea?
I've never had garbanzo bean on my face.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.
So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.
This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."
I bought a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Oldie but still a goodie.
Not a good conductor...now that there was funny!!
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day, “Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees.. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just a sh*%ty golfer.”
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
"Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish" , or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
I read a competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa ( is it?) and these were the year's winning submissions (don't know if that is true but nevertheless very funny ones!):
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Punny, very punny!
Back and forth… back and forth…
In and out… in and out…
A little to the right… a little to the left.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead… Between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end!!
He was in ecstasy… with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved.
Forwards then backwards… Forward then backward... Again… and again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now… Her face was flushed…
She moaned… softly at first, then began to groan louder…
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream!
She shouted… "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park… You do it!!"
This site did not post the first time I tried it.
Then it would not stop. I don't know how to delete a post
This happens to me when I post using my "Smart Phone", ( yeah like how smart is it if it insists on posting the same thing multiple times in a row?)
My phone is mildly stupid, my old phone was just plain dumb.
Curly went hunting one day up in The Northern Territory
He bagged three ducks.
He put them in the back of his Ute and was about to
Drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn't like smart alecs.
The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting license, so
Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and
Picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said,
"This duck ain't from The Territory. This is a Queensland duck.
You got a Queensland huntin' license?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said "This ain't a Queensland duck. This duck's from West Australia.
You got a West Australian license?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced A West Australian hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck,
Sniffed its bum, and said, "This ain't a Western Australian duck.
This duck's from South Australia. You got a South Australian Huntin' license?" Again Curly reached into his wallet and brought out a
South Australian license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
Curly smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
"You tell me, you're the expert
This happens to me when I post using my "Smart Phone", ( yeah like how smart is it if it insists on posting the same thing multiple times in a row?)
If this happens to you, let GlobeTurtle (Angela) know immediately by private message. If she can get to the multiple messages before someone replies, she can delete them.
A dog breeder crossed a setter and a pointer at Christmas time and got a pointsetter.
A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.
Thank You, this is what I did (private message to Globe Turtle) Angela took care of it and I thank her for that.
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years......
#4 *Health Nuts* are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its Gods will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied... 'Two Popsicles & some coffee.'
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord... Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.... . . . . . They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin says, "Wow, it's really getting hot in here." The second muffin says, "Wow... a talking muffin!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A police officer near Corpus Christi, Texas, had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding cars and RVs. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit and the officer soon learned why: A 10-year-old boy was standing up the road a quarter mile with a large hand-painted sign that read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another 10-year-old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign that read "TIPS." At his feet was a bucket of change.
Found this on the RVTravel.com Saturday edition.
Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven. He's had too much coffee and now needs to use the bathroom.
He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.
"Jesus, thank goodness your here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I use the bathroom?"
Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help says, "Of course... But what do I do?"
"Its simple, as people come up you must check their names to see if they are in this book I have. If they are then welcome them in! If not, turn them away." And with that Peter leaves to exorcise his bowels.
Jesus waits for some time and eventually an elderly man walks up to him. Jesus greets him energetically and asks his name.
The old man looks dismayed. "I was hit on the head when i died... I don't remember it."
"well sir," says Jesus, "tell me about yourself! Perhaps I can guess it?"
The old man's brow furrows in thought. "all I can remember is I was a carpenter and my son was beloved my millions of people.
Now Jesus begins to choke up at this.
The old man looks hard at Jesus and says
Q: What do you get if you cross a Chrysler and a Fiat?
A: a BIG car that doesn't start.
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