Factory Joke Thread – May 2015

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

Have fun....

~Angela

See also

Frequently Asked Questions

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A REDNECK LOVE POEM

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it!)

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Teacher

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A parenting question

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What do you call an actor

What do you call an actor who skips church?

Christian Bale...

boo

riveroaks wrote:

What do you call an actor who skips church?

Christian Bale...

Hiss !!!!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Augusta Masters Tickets

A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

...."No. They're all at the funeral."--

A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner.

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

One-line bird and fowl puns

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The flock of doves decided to stage a coo.

The duck said to the bartender, 'put it on my bill.'

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

Not a joke, but for the music lover

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Now one for the ladies

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

This was....

cute.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

.

good one

--
nuvi 2757LM-65LM-65LM

Smart Kids

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

lol

lol

The husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, Australia , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes into the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Hodge Podge

We sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's hand, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

------------------------------------------------------

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”

--------------------------------------------------------

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

--------------------------------------------------------

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” scolded by her mother, "that's not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!"

--------------------------------------------------------

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don't have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

--------------------------------------------------------

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”

Blank stares.

“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on hislemonade carton.”

An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”

--------------------------------------------------------

And my personal favorite…

God’s Problem Now!

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

--------------------------------------------------------

Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in your heart! A smile - is a sign of joy. A hug - is a sign of love. A laugh - is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me? - Well that's just a sign of good taste! We'll be friends until I am senile.

Then we'll be NEW friends.

And I think that day is almost here!

Thanks in advance for passing on this wisdom. I needed it. Someone else does too so please share!

Life is God's gift to you.

The way you live it...........is your gift to God.

And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ......and the American Soldier

One died for your soul, The other for your freedom.

"A veteran is someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America. "

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a restaurant around lunchtime, sits down and orders a soda and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"

The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."

The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"

"Is that so?"

"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained. "The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"

The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why would a circus need a dry-Waller?"

My GPS could not find any of these

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not
too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not
to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

What lawyers say in court

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Why did you have to die?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Quick Animal Puns

Sign at a deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here.

A zoo had a camel with no humps named 'Humphrey.'

He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.

Male deer have buck teeth.

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

When a cow gives birth she not only gives cream, she is de-calf-inated.

Did you hear About

Did you hear about the woman who backed into a whirling airplane propeller?

Disaster!

Carb humor.

What do you call a phony noodle?
An impasta!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

.

good one

--
nuvi 2757LM-65LM-65LM

British humour as it used to be :

Absolutely politically incorrect and hilarious

....................................
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in some Tide washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

------------------------------------
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.

------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

------------------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

------------------------------------
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
------------------------------------
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

=================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

=================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crime watch is being shown 5 times a week now.

=================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.

=================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

thanks

thanks for the laughs

Politically Incorrect - Love it...

Great one and well thought out.

I was at an amusement park

I was at an amusement park on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 2 kids. “Who’s enjoying the day the most?” I asked cheerfully. “I am!” said one; “No, I am!” said the second. “No,” the father said. “Their mother is!”

THE LAWS OF GOLF

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent—or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law Three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

Computer

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Retire to the south

Florida A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Why I'm Divorced

Why I'm Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....
naked

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Man Names Dog "Sex"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover'
or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I
told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like to have one too."
Then I said, "You don't under-stand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old."
He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took
the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room
for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.
He said, "Every room in the place is for sex."
I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me that I should have sold tickets.
But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV"
He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight
for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, 'Me too."
Then I told him that alter I was married, Sex left me.
He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around
town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing
in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"
I said, ‘I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor

The eye doctor says, "Sir, you have a cataract".
And the Asian man says, "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The movies ...

Looking to play hookie from work one day, a man calls in sick and heads to the movies.

Once seated, he notices that a caterpillar is sitting a couple seats away.

He asks, "Are you a caterpillar?"

The caterpillar replies, "Yes."

He then asks, "What are you doing at the movies?"

To which the caterpillar replies, "I liked the book."

teacher

Timantide wrote:

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Funny

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

haha

haha

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

The boy & the barber

A young boy enters a barbershop… the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch.”
The barber puts a dollar in one open palm and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, “Which do you want?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why’d you take the quarters and not the dollar?” he asks.
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Punishment

An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins." "She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

It's hell to get old.

Two medical students were walking along the street
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread
Apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old
Man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're
Medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you
Walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Daughter TEXTING to Dad

Daddy, I am coming home to get married - soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."
Lots of love and thanks,
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

Dad's reply ....also by texting

My Dear Lilly:
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
L.O.L. (lots of love),
Daddy

Stuck In The Hotel

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Frog Noise

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.

"Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My Physical

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me so shattered that at the end of it all I drank eight beers".

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "just a shitty golfer".

Love it. People are

Love it. People are frequently not as dumb as we think.

A husband and wife

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

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