Factory Joke Thread – November 2014

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

Have fun....

~Angela

See also

Frequently Asked Questions

<<Page 2>>

Daylight Saving Time

So true

--
It's these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes Nothing remains quite the same With all of our running and all of our cunning If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

Dog Yarn

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in the dog’s mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes his shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, the dog walks around to the front and looks at the number of the bus then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck at what he is seeing. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off the bus.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag of lamb chops on the step. The dog goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and goes back and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens the door and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds,"Genius, my arse ! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Part 9 - Rules & Laws

Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Langsam’s Law: Everything depends.

Hellrung’s Law: If you wait, it will go away.
Shevelson’s Extension: ... having done its damage.

Grelb’s Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.

Grossman’s Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Ducharme’s Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

First Postulate of Isomurphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.

Witten’s Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.

Perkin’s postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Watch

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."

Dedicated Union Man

A lifelong dedicated union man goes on a trip to Las Vegas, and taking advantage of the opportunity, heads out of town to visit one of Nevada's well known institutions. He stops at the first one.

"Is this a union shop?" he asks the madame.
"No, it isn't," she replies.
"Where does my $100 go?" he asks.
"$20 to the girl, $80 to me," she admits.
"Well, that just goes to show why you need a union. I'm taking my business elsewhere," the union man says.

He visits a second proprietorship. "Is this a union shop?" he asks the madame.
"No, it isn't," she replies.
"Where does my $100 go?" he asks.
"$25 to the girl, $75 to me," she admits.
"I can't tolerate that unfairness. I'm taking my business elsewhere," the union man says.

At the third facility, he asks the same question.
"Yes, this is a union shop," the madame says.
"Where does my $100 go?" he asks.
"$80 to the girl, $20 to me. Plus, the girls receive three weeks' vacation, health insurance, and retirement benefits."
"Now this is the kind of place that deserves my business," the union man says. He surveys the girls, laying eyes on an attractive 20 year old blonde. "I'd like an hour with her."
To which she replies, "You should know, sir, that we respect seniority here." Then, turning to a woman old enough to be the guy's grandmother, states "Sorry, Edna has priority."

I do enjoy logical thinking!

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER AND A MALE BEER DRINKER

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for Inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

--
nuvi 855. Life is not fair. I don't care who told you it is.

What Really Happened

You've seen all the commercials. But here's what really happened when I asked for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

'He's two floppy shoes short of a complete clown outfit'

Has anyone ever heard this as put down before? razz

Proud to be from Minnesota:

Ancient Telephony Excavations

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly afterward, a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Minneapolis, Minnesota reported, "After digging 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Faribault, Minnesota, Ole Olson, a heck of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless."

Just makes a person proud to be from Minnesota.

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.
The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.
The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.
Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"
"He confessed"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Where old guys eat

A group of softball players, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts. Ten years later, at age 50, the softball buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the team again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money. Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

This Is....

An O\oldie but a goodie.

--
RKF (Brookeville, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Trust Your Dad's Advice

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Turkey hunting

Shot my first turkey today. Scared the heck out of everyone in the grocery store freezer section.

Ain't it the truth

Oooops....I had a 'BLONDE' moment here! See below. smile

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC!

Not until now!

350Zee wrote:

Has anyone ever heard this as put down before? razz

It's a good one though!

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC!

Ain't it the truth Part Deux

bpaine wrote:

A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She says to the salesman,
'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room
are they for ?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer
monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .... mine has Windoooooows.......

After dating a few 'natural blondes' (not young girls either) I can honestly say that the above is not too far from the truth! sad

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC!

A Short Story

A college class was asked to write a story in as few words as possible. And the story had to have three elements in it...

- sex,
- religion
- mystery

This is the work that got top marks....

“Good God, I’m pregnant! Wonder who did it.”

Designated Decoy joke ---- Priceless !!!

When I was about 16, in Oklahoma, and already had salt and pepper hair, I was always the designated buyer at the beer store.

--
rvOutrider

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his ex wife."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

• A rich man and a horse

There was a rich man that was driving past a farm, He looked over and saw a beautiful stallion standing in the field. The rich man thought, Wow I gotta have him so he pulled into the farm's entrance. He found the owner and said, "I want that horse out yonder in that field, how much do you want for him?" Well, the farmer said, "He don't look to good." Nonsense said the rich man "I'll pay you $1000 for him." But he don't look to good said the farmer. The rich man sighed and said $2000 dollars is my final offer. The farmer sold the beautiful horse to the rich man. Then one week later the rich man came back angry as ever and said, "Darn you you sold me a blind horse!" Then the farmer smiled and said "I told you, he didn't look too good!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

hristmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up
and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had
a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him
where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we
went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you
one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it." smile

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The American businessman and the Mexican fisherman.

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."
The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."
"Millions? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

84 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here'sto spending the rest of me Life, Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best Toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the Prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Dogs Welcome

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest
town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog
with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my
room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
bed clothes, silverware or steal pictures off the walls
or use them as a colouring book.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly..
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too."

--
nuvi 855. Life is not fair. I don't care who told you it is.

A Blond Joke

Becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then,
maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and
get a pair of alligator shoes for
free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady,
why don't you go give it a try?

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and
spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature
and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper
watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in
frustration.......

SHOOT!!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!!!

--
2597 Sometimes I wonder..."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then, it hits me.

Shingles

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A guy walks into a bar

and he puts a large bag on the table. The bartender asks him what the bag is for. The man takes out a frog, and he puts his hand on the frog, and without the man moving his lips, the frog begins to sing the most beautiful song the bartender has ever heard. 'My frog is a very good singer you see.' 'You are an amazing ventriloquist. You could make a fortune out of that. But how do you get so good?' 'Who said it was my ventriloquism?' An hour or so passes, as the bartender ponders this question. Then, however, the man pulls out a piano out from the bag. He places the tiny piano beside the frog and he, once again, puts his hand on the back of the frog, and the frog begins to play the piano and sing. He takes his hand off the frog, and the frog carries on singing and playing the piano. The bartender is absolutely astounded by this. The frog was playing music more beautiful than any he himself had ever heard. Once again he asks the man: 'How is the frog doing that? It seems impossible, yet I can see and hear a frog playing and singing. How?' 'I just found him.'
By now, the frog had gathered quite a large crowd, and everyone was watching in admiration. A buisness man walks up to the man with the frog and he says, 'I'll pay you $500 for the frog, without the piano.' 'That frog is worth much more to me. So you can buzz off.' '$1000.' 'Buzz off.'
The buisness man sat down and pondered this. However, to his, and everyone else's, astonishment, the man pulled out a tiny rat. He placed the rat on top of the piano, and while the frog played the piano, the rat sang beautifully. It was some of the best music played anywhere. Again, the business man approached the man at the bar, and he said: '$2000 for the frog and the rat and the piano.' 'No way. Buzz off. I'm not selling.' However, the vusiness man was not to be put off so easily. 'Fine. $4000 for the rat alone.' 'I'll consider $8000 at the very least.' At this point, the bartender butted in, 'don't do it.' 'Be quiet fool. I'll go as high as $8000 if you insist. Now, the rat, and here is the money.' And sure enough, the business man took out $8000 and the man accepted, and handed over the frog.
After a few minutes of dumbfounded silence in the bar, the bartender turned to the man and he said, 'why did you sell the rat? You could have made millions off of it, through merchandise and concerts. Why?' 'Is he gone?' 'yes'. The man smiled, and he said, 'The rat's worth nothing. The frog's a ventriloquist

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

100 %

On The Job I Always Put Out 100%

Monday 10 %
Tuesday 18 %
Wednesday 42 %
Thursday 25 %
Friday 5 %

100 %

It all adds up!!! smile laugh out loud

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Short Ones

Do birds know where they're going when they fly south for the winter or do they just wing it every time?

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.

The termite wanted to lose weight, so he started eating more lattice.
My brother told me that serpentine is what you use to get paint off a boa constrictor

Jehovah's Witness

Sunday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when i heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?"
With nothing else going on I said, "Come in and sit down."
We sat down, I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, "What would you like to talk about?"
The young man replied, "Beats the crap out of me, I've never gotten this far."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

did you know

that in the latest on-line edition of the dictionary they took the word gullible out? Look it up and see for yourself.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

At the river.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon and with
Great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing,

'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Smile - life is too short not to!!

See you at the river!

PS: Bring your own glass!

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Steven Hawking

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Three blondes are walking through the woods...

They come across a pair of tracks.
The first blonde says, "I think these are bear tracks!"
"No", the second blondes goes, "these are definitely deer tracks!"
The third blonde says, "I think they're rabbit tracks!!"
Then the train hit them...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Steven Hawking

That was just wrong. So wrong!!

Harley Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

The Beer-Bottle Genie

A young man is walking along the beach, when he spies a beer bottle in the sand. Picking it up, he brushes it off to see what brand it is, when a genie popped out. In a thundering voice, it proclaimed, "I am the beer bottle genie! For freeing me, I will grant you any three wishes, BUT the condition is, every lawyer in the world will get TWO of that!" So the kid thought, and decided, "I want a briefcase filled with a million dollars!" POOF! A briefcase instantly appeared in front if him. Meanwhile, two brief cases with a million dollars each appeared in front of every lawyer in the world. "And for my next wish," he added, "I would like a red Porsche." POOF! One appeared in front of him on the sand. And two Porsches appeared in the garages of every lawyer in the world. "All right," said the genie, " for your last wish think really hard. Okay, time's up! What do you want?" "Well," said the boy, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local postal clerk (besides owning the only pub, shop and petrol station in the village) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "Born a Virgin, Lived as a Virgin, Died a Virgin" and of course it had to be in Gaelic " Rugadh ar Maighdean, bhí cónaí mar Maighdean, a fuair bás Maighdean". Not long after her meeting with the undertaker, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had bought was too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. Finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: "Ar ais gan oscailt"….which translates to…. "Returned Unopened"

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

THANKSGIVING INVITATION FROM GRANDMA

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00 PM.

Not 2:15 PM.

Not 2:05 PM.

Two. 2:00 PM.

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You,
Grandma

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

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Kingston, Tennessee

The Mexican maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Watching a friends house

So my friend went on a vacation for a week and asked me to take care of his place for him. Everything was going fine, for the most part.
On the third morning he gave me a call and asked: “So how is everything going?”
“The house is fine,” I said, “but your cat died.”
“Wha . . .” click He hung up on me.
Later that day my friend called back and said, “Sorry I hung up on you. I was just so distraught. It really ruined my day. I wish you had given me the news a little more slowly.”
“How’s that?” I asked.
“Well, maybe you could have told me that my cat had climbed on the roof and wouldn’t come down. The tomorrow you could have told me you were trying to get him down, but he wouldn’t budge. The next day you could have said he’s not eating, then the following that he had died. At least it wouldn’t be so shocking.”
“Ok, sorry. Next time I’ll know better.”
He said, “it’s ok, I know you didn’t mean it. So how’s my mom?”
“She’s climbed on the roof and I can’t get her down.”

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Great formula joke!

Thanks!

I need one today.

Ron

Stupid people fearing

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

GOLDEN URINAL

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal is gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke. I reckon we got a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone last night."

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If only ..

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman.....

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

At the bakery.

A Norwegian and a Swede go into a bakery.The Swede immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.He says to the Norwegian, “See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."

The Norwegian says to the Swede, "That's typical of you Swedes.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

The Norwegian swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Norwegian swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is
and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The Norwegian replies, "Look in the Swede's pocket."

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GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD
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