Factory Joke Thread – October 2014

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.
Have fun....

~Angela

See also

Frequently Asked Questions

Page 1>>

Grammar checking

Grammar checking: A bank account for your mom's mom.

--
Avoidances: Speed Bumps!

Remember the Purnia Diet ?

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Man Down in Aisle Six!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

“ It’s on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford it!" demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

A Little 10-year-old girl

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

Little Girl

d-moo70 wrote:

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

My thoughts exactly.

Man with an earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Denise

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain.

Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.

"Doctor!" She asks "What happened to the children?"

"Don't worry madam." He replied, "The children are fine, you have a strong young lad and a beautiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them."

"Oh no! My brother is an idiot" She cried. "What did he name them?"

"Well your daughter's name is Denise" The doctor informed her.

The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"

"Denephew" The doctor replied.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Purina Diet

Printed this one to let friends read::

Count Dracula

Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.  He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here.

A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.  Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who are you?"

She replies : "Buffet, the vampire slayer."

A BIBLICAL STORY

A BIBLICAL STORY

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a
man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but
amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely.. This
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She
then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half
the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman
takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for
the police."

Adam ate the apple, too.

Men will never learn…….

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

A German Walks

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'

The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'

Remember the Purnia Diet

cute

--
Gattina11

happy friday

have a nice weekend everyone

--
Gattina11

Four Legged Turkey

Four Legged Turkey
Amos, a hardworking turkey farmer was experimenting with breeding turkey which would fetch more money. Market research indicated that the turkey legs fetched the most money. After countless fruitless generations of turkeys, Amos finally cracked the genetic code, and created a batch of four legged turkeys. Just before Thanksgiving Amos shared his success with his family. 'I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has four legs!' Said Amos.
'What does it taste like?', asked Aunty Mary.
'I don't know yet, 'said Amos, 'I haven't caught one yet'
smile

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Chit Chat

gattina11 wrote:

have a nice weekend everyone

This should be posted in the Chit Chat Thread. smile

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Remember the Purnia Diet ?

Too funny

--
It's these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes Nothing remains quite the same With all of our running and all of our cunning If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

Elderly Married Couple

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

As husbands often do, the husband had the

remote and was switching back and forth between the golf channel and the

porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake!

Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to golf!"

Well...

Timantide wrote:

The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"

"Denephew" The doctor replied.

...that certainly makes sense to me!

Ron

I Stand

"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

Whats the difference?

How do tell the difference between an Oreo cookie and a hamburger?

The Oreo tastes a lot better dipped in milk.

Thanks....

This was cute (and true).

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Elderly Married Couple

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

Question

What weighs more,a pound of gold or a pound of feathers?

Post answers please.

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

Gold And Feathers..

BobDee wrote:

What weighs more,a pound of gold or a pound of feathers?

Post answers please.

A pound of feathers is heavier-A pound is NOT always a pound.

Gold,silver,platinum and all other precious metals are measured in TROY ounces and TROY pounds.

A troy pound weighs less than a standard (avoirdupois) pound.

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

No fooling you

The feathers, you are correct.

A pound of feathers is measured in avoirdupois weight, in which one pound equals 16 ounces. Precious metals are measured in troy weight, in which one pound equals 12 ounces.

However, the ounces are not measured in the same way. In avoirdupois weight, one ounce = 437.5 grains. In troy weight, one ounce = 480 grains.

So, one pound of feathers weighs (16)x(437.5 grains) = 7,000 grains. One pound of gold weighs (12)x(480 grains) = 5,760 grains.

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

A 6 year old and a 4 year

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
As his appeared to have tiny specks around
The edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'


--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Dear Redneck Son

Dear Redneck Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Lucky 5

There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

re: Lucky 5

That's about what I expected

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

The Toughest Cowboy

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...

Bronco Bart, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Sam, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Red River Roy, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...

English prisoner

During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis.

He was hurt pretty bad, so he the German doctor amputated his arm.

He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England.

So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing.

The Germans complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German doctor replied, "Nein, ve do dis no more!"

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

First-aid course

A blonde goes into work and she's 1 hour late.

"How come you're late?" asked her boss.

"It was awful!" she explained.

"I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course!"

"What did you do?" asked her boss.

"Well, remembering what my instructor said, I went right into action. I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Sunday afternoon "quickie"

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersen's have company," he called out.

"Matt is riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."


--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Cute

Cute

--
Gattina11

The Dancers and the Viper

There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers.

At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.

Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus. As they rode down the highway, you could here their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.

At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and it's name was Peter.

That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party.

But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus.

The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.

The next day, the headline in the paper read: "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers."

The Purina Diet...

That was quite memorable!

--
Maps -> Wife -> Garmin 12XL -> StreetPilot 2610 -> Nuvi 660 (blown speaker) -> Nuvi 3790LMT

Wrong one

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired," he asked again. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The hole

There was a town, a nice peaceful town, but this town was inhabited solely by blondes.
There was a serious issue plaguing this town, a giant hole in the ground, and every day people would fall victim to it.
It wasn't too deep, but deep enough that people would be seriosly injured, and many would die.
The blonde community had had enough! They called a meeting with all the smartest people in the town to come up with a solution.
One of the wisest and smarted men said, "We should have an ambulance parked at the hole at all times, so when someone falls in, we can get them to the hospital much faster".
So this was done, and yet it only made a small difference, many were dying every week.
The town had another meeting, this time the wise men suggested the road to the hospital be cleared, and kept empty, to reduce the time to get there.
Again, this was done, and still.. too many lives were being lost.
The town had to take drastic action! The loss of lives was too great.
They came up with a solution they all agreed on. They would build a hospital next to the hole, and demolish the old one.
The wisest and most intelligent man in the town suddenly spoke. He had been silent all the past meetings.
He said, "Do you seriously plan on destroying the hospital and building a new one? That would cost an absurd amount of money to do. There is a much simpler solution!
We simply fill up the hole.... and dig another one next to our current hospital."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Painting the church

They are painting it blue.
They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.
The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.
They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.
Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The challenge

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.
It's unbelievable.
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The buffalo theory of beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Oldie but a goodie!

Always liked that joke!

How Many Masons

How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I can't tell you it's a secret!

I Like That One

bpaine wrote:

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

I like that one

Clever

LS wrote:

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'

The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'

Well played!

Page 1>>