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Frequently Asked Questions
Newly Weds check into their hotel.
After a long day of seeing the local sights, they retire for the night.
As their undressing the man looks at his new wife and throws his pants to her and says "Honey Put These On." The bride says what on earth for .
Husband says humor me try them on.
Wife goes along with request and tries on the pants. Honey she says I could never wear these.
Man replies that's right, and as long as we are together I will wear the pants in this family.
Few minutes later wife comes out of bathroom in bra and panties. As she wiggles out of her panties and throws them to her husband. I tried yours now you try mine.
With some protest he tries them on but ,can only get them to his knees. He says I can't get in these.
The wife replied "And Your Not Going To as long as you have that attitude."
When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said…
‘Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top
blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer
And thanks for the reminder!
..and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.
"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."
This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"
Two hillbillies, Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, “Ya know, I heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!”
After the husband's check-up, the Dr. ask's the woman if he can have a word with her in his office.
"Certainly Dr. anything for my husband", the woman replies.
The Dr. says, "Your husband is suffering from a very rare and severe disorder, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will die".
"Each morning you must fix him a healthy hearty breakfast. You must be pleasant and make sure he is in good humor. For lunch make him a nutricious meal and for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with any chores, as he is probably had a hard day. Don't discuss any of your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse." The Dr. continues to say, "Do all of these things and he should continue to live a happy healthy life for 15 to 20 yrs".
The wife takes all this into consideration and exits the Dr. office.
On the drive home, the husband asked the wife, "What did the doctor have to say to you ?"
She replies, "He said you're going to die."
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked:
- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.
- Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:
- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.
- Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:
- Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time.
- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon!
- There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:
- But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:
- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?
- All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone.
The priest was good, and never told anyone.
The long version of "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" "Tell you tomorrow."
A great way of explaining a silly and outdated practice of changing time!
Good one. Weekend was updated for time, mostly automated on all my stuff.
Just because you give someone lemons don't expect lemonade!
When you deal with lemons you're left bitter!
A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She says to the salesman,
'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room
are they for ?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .... mine has Windoooooows.......
Katz’s Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Cole’s Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Vique’s Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Jones’ Motto: Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
McClaughry’s Codicil: To make an enemy, do someone a favour.
Churchill’s commentary on man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
The ultimate Law: All general statements are false.
The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something; if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens.
The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
The First Law of Wing Walking: Never let hold of what you’ve got until you’ve got hold of something else.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Farnsdick’s corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol, TN . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
Nice - really sick of DLS!!!
What's a DLS???
But I really appreciate your picture
"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Well, okay" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". Steve stared at him in horror and screamed "****! THAT'S the word!
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament
is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00
Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife is an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things. I know what is here, so don’t force me to frisk and search when the party is over.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one person from each family needs to be the designated driver and must have a valid driver’s license.
I really mean all of the above.
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?
The doctor assures him she is.
"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"
"What about my sister?"
Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother in law, and all the rest of your family, you can die in peace."
With his last breath, the old Chinese man, struggling to make his voice heard says:
"If everyone is here, then who the hell is minding the shop?".
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
Don't get it... Can you paint a picture?
Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for
arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little
old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly,
leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged
within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up
to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle!
You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What
did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer
A man was pre-planning his funeral. He told the funeral director, that he wanted the Toronto Maple Leafs, to be at the grave to lower his casket into the grave.
The funeral director asked him why on earth he had such a strange request.
The man said "This way the Leafs can let me down, one last time.".
(Feel free to substitute your own favourite team, that always lets you down.)
A third-grade teacher gave each of her students a roll of candy Life Savers. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave each of them Honey Life Savers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Life Saver out and yelled, “Oh my God! They're a**-holes!”
The teacher had to leave the room!
At least this story wasn't as long as "Nate and the Lever"...
God decides to give these three woman one last chance. He brings them to the stairway into heaven and says, "There are 100 stairs and at each step I will tell a joke. If you laugh you will be sent back to hell. If you make it to the top without laughing, I will let you enter heaven." So it began.
At the 30th step, God tells his joke and the brunette bursts out laughing. She then is sent back to hell. At the 70th step, God tells his joke and the red head starts laughing. She too was sent back to hell.
Now on the very last step, before God begins telling his joke, the blond starts laughing hysterically. God then asks the blond, "Why are you laughing? I have not told the joke yet?" The blond then replies, "I just got the first one!"
A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation.
As the bartender cleans the last few glasses before he kicks the three men out, he decides it’s worth a shot to try to cheer these poor guys up. He goes up to them and asks what’s got them down. As it turns out, the three of them have all just been kicked out by their wives, who were unable to put up with their terrible worst traits. The bartender says to them:
“Anything that someone else sees as a bad trait can be spun around. Tell me your bad traits and I promise you I can show you a way that they help you in some way or even make you a better person.”
Two of the men grudgingly agree, but the third is insistent.
“I promise you,” he says, “There’s no way to spin mine around.”
But the bartender is insistent.
The first man offers up. “My wife kicked me out because she couldn’t stand how lazy I was. Hard to see how you can spin that around.”
The bartender immediately replies, “That’s easy. Lazy people are great at finding ways to save themselves from wasting any unnecessary time or effort. Laziness can be a great motivator”.
The second man pipes up “Well my wife booted me because she couldn’t stand my constant cynicism”. The bartender quickly rebukes, “Always looking for and expecting the worst means that you can easily identify the worst possible outcome of situations in advance. That means you’re more prepared to face the worst and you can plan ahead in case of the worst case scenario.”
After two solid responses the third man is impressed, but still adamant that the bartender won’t be able to spin his huge flaw. The bartender remains insists that he can do it, though.
“Fine.” Says the third man. “I’m a pedophile."
The bartender is visibly taken aback.
“See?” Says the third man. “No way to spin that”.
“Well”, says the bartender after a pause, “I bet that means you drive slowly through school zones!”
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you doing?
Husband: Watching our wedding ceremony.
haha good one
We are all waiting in anticipation to see how much time your going to spend in the ICU for that wise ctack
Thanksgiving at Grandma's
That is a good one. Reminds me of some of my family.
Some of us like to sleep in the garage!
Robert , 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old ... since her new husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Have I posted this already?
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an
hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...
Naturally, (since he was her husband).
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in,
and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.”
Some guys have all the luck
A man stumbles home from a night of heavy drinking at the pub...
He finds his marital home empty and in darkness. In the kitchen, whilst going for another beer, he spots a note left on the fridge door.
"I'm sorry. I'm staying at my parents for now. This isn't working anymore."
The man, curious, opens the fridge to get his beer and is greeted with the usual light and cool air.
"...what the hell is she talking about?!"
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