Factory Joke Thread – December 2013

but risky.

Isn't the joke:

There are only three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can't.

How do you describe a vacuum cleaner that does not do a good job? You can't say is sucks, that would be good.

Q. How many worn-out housewives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. one – ONE! That’s right you guessed it, it’s me! Why ME?! Do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?! DO YOU THINK A HOUSE GETS CLEANED BY ITSELF???!! Is it my job to change the light bulb too?!

[from the internet]

nice

If we could get rid of the owner then we might get somewhere.

He knows where all the bad girls live...

So the publishers of my new book on poltergeists phoned me to tell me that the sales of my book are doing really well. Apparently it's flying off the shelves.

Funny but true, you do what they tell you and you are still in trouble.

In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly, on a warm rock, that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing, in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Politician you are holding underwater.

See it worked. You're smiling. You feel better already.

"When everything seems to be going against you,remember that an airplane takes off against the wind,not with it."

I always thought it was:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

No, he just got the numbering wrong. He pressed 2 instead of 1.

There are two kinds of people in this world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete information...

There are 2 kinds of coffee drinkers - those who need more coffee and those who have had too much coffee.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her lawyer she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Why Walmart?" the lawyer asked. She replied: "Because then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Gun Control. It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...
The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical
shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should
place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted!

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

A: He held up a pair of pants.

chuckle chuckle...

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Oboe: An English tramp.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

Good One

A Texan meets a Harvard graduate, tips his hat politely and asks, "Where are you from?" The Harvard grad sneers and says, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." The Texan mulls the comment over and responds, "Okay, where are you from, jackass?"

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see an "upturn." "I think you mean the intern, don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination." "You mean examination," the nurse corrected her. "Well, I want to go to the fraternity ward, anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler "Jesus".'

Good One!!!!

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

[from the internet]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off of.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning — intercourse or golfcourse —’

She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes
to a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf,
greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of
who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

" Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"

A Scottish boy begs his father to get a Christmas tree. Year after year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

Why are all the frogs around here dead?

'Cause they keep croaking!

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So, the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

A cop pulls over a woman for speeding and notices her eyes are red. He says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" The driver replies, "No officer, but your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Funny Stuff

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnat tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

amzanig huh?

PS - Palys havoc with sepll cehcker

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already ?" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"And by the way,"the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

I was driving through the local college in Provo, Utah recently. As I passed by the women's dorm I distinctly believe I heard a higher-pitched chant of "More-men, more-men...", and in response from the neighboring men's dorm came the call, "Bring-em Young, Bring-em Young!"

So a baby seal walks into a club...

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) Cool The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

to date a homeless girl.................

You can drop her off anywhere.

glazed doughnut - Good One!

I apologize to anyone I offended with my previous joke.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things-your family, your partner, your health, your children-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then, a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

Sadly, after working with IT nerds (and being one myself) for 34 years, this is too realistic to be funny!

Not bad for a religious joke.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Two blondes fell into a black hole. One of them said: "It's awfully dark in here, Isn't it?" The other blonde cried: "I don't know, I can't see!"

[from the internet]