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Frequently Asked Questions
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career ... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ... "
"Our son is going to be a politician!"
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing up toward my bedroom window." "This is the fire department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the police department." "No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a taller ladder!"
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it, and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was mentally disturbed, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
I’ll be out of commission for awhile…Yesterday, I was beaten up by a woman!
I was in the elevator at UAB Clinic when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1?
So I did. I don't remember much afterwards. The doctor estimates recovery time 4 - 6 weeks.
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and....OH... MY GOD!"
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled:
"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
2 blondes walk into a building... you'd think one of them would've seen it.
[from the internet]
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
three hours. You want my advice?" The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tomcat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."
Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so.
Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural .. a once-in-a-lifetime phenom whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike.
His change up made the best hitters in the league cry .. they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt.
He was indeed awesome!Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was .. alcohol.
Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until ...
and now, the rest of the story (as Paul Harvey likes to say).
The Braves and the Yankees in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He sneaked out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine .. until the bottom of the ninth inning.
With the Braves ahead by one run, two out and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches .. eight straight balls. He walked in the tieing and the winning runs, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me", he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues"?
In unison they replied, "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!
I get so confused. The other day I went sailing, came back and saw there seemed to be a pairofdocks, which one do I choose?
Why did the hipster burn their mouth on pizza?
Because he ate it before it was cool.
When one can't help but feel a little sorry for all the dyslexic kids that sent a holiday gift wish list to Satan...
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him hard on the back of the head with a rolled up magazine.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again, but this time with a frying pan.
She answers, "Your horse called."
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won !!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next race,
and it won that race too.
The local paper read:
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!
The Bishop fainted ….
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.
So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
SELLS ASS FOR $10”.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey, and take it to the plains
where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. . .. being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery,
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!
Have a nice day and laugh
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
— Jay Leno
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
— Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
— Will Rogers
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
— Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
— Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
— Author unknown
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
— John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
— Oscar Ameringer
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
— Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
— Tex Guinan
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
— Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
— Doug Larson
There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.
— Will Rogers
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because: 7 8 9
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
15· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18· Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
19· Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
20· If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well its an obscure number, so you've probably never heard of it
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? 'Twerky!'
I like that!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
...or in some cases may be here already!
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desparately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
Yep it's the golden years................ :-
Three elderly men were sitting on a park bench talking.
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movements any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year old.
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
“I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.” -- Frank Lloyd Wright
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now
What does Nigella Lawson have at Christmas?
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
After dating for awhile the knight was able to woo the fair maiden and convinced her to marry him.
On their wedding night the couple retired to the bedroom.
"My lord, I offer my honor," she said to the knight.
"My fair lady, I honor your offer," he said to his bride.
And so it went all night. Honor...offer...honor...offer.
One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can"
The doctor's receptionist is really bossy. A guy came in to see the dr about his sore throat. The nurse told him to go down the hall to the first room on the right and take off his clothes and wait. He protested. She repeated, "Go down the hall to the first room on the right and take off your clothes and wait."
When he entered the room, there was another guy sitting there in his undershorts. He said, "This is embarrassing, I only have a sore throat."
That guy said, "Tell me about it, I'm the UPS guy."
Put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it and it started to suck again...
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