Factory Joke Thread – January 2024
Mon, 01/01/2024 - 1:10pm
12 years
|
This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
Please read all the forum rules before posting, and keep in mind...
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
This thread will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
~Angela
Was going to make a political joke
but they all got elected
the title of my autiobiography "Mistakes have been made"
Tomorrow
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. If you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
johnm405 660 & MSS&T
My pet pig developed a rash
So the vet applied some oinkment.
My Pet Pig Developed A Rash
Harf Harf
A Surprised Husband
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here?!”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
the nail
A blonde named Sue marries a Yorkshire farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The farmer leaves for the field, and after a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow." he says.
Sue takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, because I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple", she confidently explains, "By the nail that's over its stall".
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for"?
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Job Interview
In a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed onto the table.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
Childhood
I had a happy childhood . My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills.
Those were the GoodYears!
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.
My wife got a kick…
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here?!”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
…out of this one. She thought it was hilarious.
"Everything I need can be found in the presence of God. Every. Single. Thing." Charley Hartmann 2/11/1956-6/11/2022
How about an Early American Piece?
A small boy dashed into the drug store and panted "Quick! My sister was on a ladder climbing up to my tree house. The ladder broke and she's hanging by her hands with no pants on!" The startled druggist asked, "What can I do about it?" and the little boy exclaimed, "Stop talking and put a new roll of film in my Brownie!"
From Blushing Blue Book
johnm405 660 & MSS&T
I was going to stop smoking and drinking for New Year's
but decided against it. I remembered that no one likes a quitter.
Heaven on Earth
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S
Herman James
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
John from PA
College football bowl games
This year I think I counted 43 bowl games.
Below are a list of bowl games I’d like to see added to the list.
The Home Depot Toilet Bowl
The Kellogg’s Cereal Bowl (how is this not a real bowl already?)
The Apple iBowl
The Hershey’s Squirt Bowl
The Starbucks Soy Latte bowl (only Starbucks drinks served at the game = the most wired, and poor, audience ever)
The FedEx Overnight Bowl (it’s guaranteed to end by 10:30am)
The Pfizer Viagra Bowl (it automatically ends if the game lasts more than 4 hours)
The Google Beta Bowl (the game works perfectly, but it never comes out of beta)
The Poland Springs Water Bowl
The Domino’s 30-Minutes-or-Less Bowl (6-minute quarters + 6-minute halftime = shortest bowl game)
The Microsoft Windows Blue Screen Bowl (game play has to stop at least once a quarter while they reboot the computers)
The KFC Famous Bowl
The IKEA Ünferter Bowl (no one knows what it means, but it takes 30 minutes to set up and everyone in attendance gets an Allen wrench)
The eBay Bowl (if there’s a disputed call, it takes 30 days to get it resolved)
The MTV Music Bowl (at least there’d be one thing musically related to MTV)
The Kleenex Snot Bowl
The Motorola RAZR BWL
The Alamo Rent-A-Car Alamo Bowl
The Morton Salt Bowl
The Grey Poupon Mustard Bowl
The Cuisinart Mixing Bowl
The Jell-O Shots Bowl
The Playboy Party Bowl (everyone wears pajamas; and the cheerleaders…whoa!)
The Coca-Cola Flavored-Sugar Bowl
The Zagat Review Bowl (the recap of the game is, at most, five sentences, and pithy)
The Play-Doh! Rose Bowl (everyone in attendance gets enough Play-Doh! and instructions to make roses which are thrown on to the field after every touchdown — the grounds crew has five minutes to clean them all up otherwise they will get hard and be useless to make anything else)
The Body Shop Cocoa-Butter Bowl
John from PA
How about
The Orkin Bowl Weevil?
Alan - Android Auto, DriveLuxe 51LMT-S, DriveLuxe 50LMTHD, Nuvi 3597LMTHD, Oregon 550T, Nuvi 855, Nuvi 755T, Lowrance Endura Sierra, Bosch Nyon
The ID
Last night, I ordered wine with my dinner. The waiter asked for my ID.
"Do I look that young?"
The waiter replied, "No. I just wanted to see if you qualified for the Senior's discount!
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.
sad...
Last night, I ordered wine with my dinner. The waiter asked for my ID.
"Do I look that young?"
The waiter replied, "No. I just wanted to see if you qualified for the Senior's discount!
Sad but true.
Phil
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."
Now that I'm older
...but refuse to grow up, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
10 These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then... wonder what I'm hereafter.
11. Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, or maybe 10.
12. Send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back. Even worse, you may get mine.
13. Did I send this to you already?
John from PA
.
Wonderful!
Illiterate? Write for free help.
It adds up.
If I had a nickel for every failed math exam, I’d have 37 cents.
Education counts:
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered "spine” are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.
A Scary Ride
A man was heading home from work. Unfortunately the bus got canceled, so he had to call a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection.
The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…”
The driver screamed, “AAAAAAHHHH!” and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant and stopped just 1 feet from a department store shop window.
For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, “Look, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. For the last 25 years I’ve been driving a hearse!”
I just ordered
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet. If I ever get a life, I'll be notified.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
A Scary Ride
like
Speciality of the Day
A man from Colorado is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sight. In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter replied, “Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!”
The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
Maybe I'm just sensitive
But I think that mockingbirds are rude.
A couple of things to consider
1. Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
2. If common sense was lard, most people wouldn’t be able to grease a pan.
3. I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.
4. Unfortunately there is no lifeguard in the gene pool.
5. I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly!
"Everything I need can be found in the presence of God. Every. Single. Thing." Charley Hartmann 2/11/1956-6/11/2022
You Might Be A Redneck If...
your wife's work number begins with 1-900.
You might be a redneck if...
if you have a working TV sitting on top of a broken TV.
You might be a redneck if...
you think hygiene is a greeting,
there is no lifeguard in the gene pool
4. Unfortunately there is no lifeguard in the gene pool.
True that.
Good One....
I may have to borrow this one.
RKF (Brookeville, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot
Genie...
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S
I knew this king who was 12 inches tall
He was an excellent ruler.
A Couple Of Things To Consider
Awesome
information
The priest had been invited to lunch and young Paddy asked, "Do hens have tits?"
His mother said, "Paddy, you shouldn't ask such questions," prompting the priest to say, "I believe it would be appropriate to explain to your son."
"Why do you ask?" said mom to Patty. "Well," said Paddy, "I overheard dad tell the maid that he wished his old hen had tits like she had."