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A teacher asks her 3rd grade class what they want to be when they grow up. Little Johnny says, “I wanna be a fighter pilot, then a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest wife, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card.” The teacher is shocked. “OK … Um, Sarah, what about you?” “I want to be Johnny’s wife!”
Hold Up Your Credit Cards!
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.
A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.
The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.
People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.
People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.
- Age 70 might be the new 50, but 9:00 pm is also the new midnight.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- When I say, “The other day,” I could be refereeing to anytime between yesterday and 30 years ago.
- To me, “drink responsibility” means… don’t spill it.
- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
What did Adam say on the 23rd of December?
It's Christmas eve eve, Eve
A couple went on a date in December...
He pulls out a ring and says,” Merry Christmas!”So she took the ring and married Christmas.
So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
I know someone like these...lol
That was funny
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask. You can still wear your pajamas and leave your bra and teeth at home.
It took "Click it or Ticket" to get people to wear a seatbelt. I wonder if "Mask it or Casket" would get people to wear a mask?
My favorite from here:
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Good site still laughing
Been my favorite joke for years!
DUH!. Took me for times!. L user.
Subject: Getting Old-er
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"
YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Not familiar with the breed Santa Gertrudis? See http://www.americancowboychronicles.com/2013/06/santa-gertru...
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so, it happened. His one son became a doctor, another lawyer and the third a financial planner, each very successful. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now in Congress, probably from your district.
A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she'
I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'
He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'
I replied 'no, she's an optician'
Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up.
"Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"
Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"
Now the tiniest bit miffed, Sister Teresa goes and eats her porridge, then as she is returning her bowl and spoon for washing she notices the Mother Superior. "Good morning, Reverend Mother!" she says, trying not to wince in anticipation. Sure enough, the Mother Superior asks the same as the other two, and Sister Teresa is on the verge of tears. "Why is everyone asking me that? Have I been rude? Do I look bad-tempered?" she wails.
"Oh no, dear!" says the Mother Superior. "It's just that you've got the Bishop's slippers on."
Police believe it was race related.
Now I only drink for evil.
...Not familiar with the breed Santa Gertrudis? See http://www.americancowboychronicles.com/2013/06/santa-gertrudis-cattle.html
That link is super informative about the history of the santa-gertrudis breed, which was bred on the King Ranch in Texas. I knew the King Ranch is the largest ranch in the U.S., but I didn't appreciate how big that muther really is: 825,000 acres, which is bigger than the state or Rhode Island. Impressive indeed.
I’ve lived in southeast Pennsylvania since 1968. A rare treat back then was to see the cattle offloaded from rail cars. Quite an unusual event. These days the property is part of a land conservancy.
Great story and a greater happy ending. Talk about how much this country has changed just in the last 60 years or so.
How I knew I had a drinking problem.
I walked into a bar and the bartender greeted me by name. And I had never been in the bar before.
When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.
But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.
What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018?
"All I want for Christmas is EU"
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September
It's the dictionary
I can't take much more of 2020 so I’m gonna ask my Mom if that offer to “slap me into next year” is still on the table.
Hear that many times.
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
The company Pfizer, which has recently received approval for a vaccine against Covid-19. is the same company that created Viagra.
Therefore, we can fully rely on the announced vaccine because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, they should certainly be able to protect the living.
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"
A bloke notices a tasty bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.
"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says "Aren't you the father of 1 of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful and says "Were youthe hooker I had sex with over the pool table at my stag do, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?"
She stares at him and says "No, I'm your daughter's teacher"
Not exactly sure what it is, but it's worked so far.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
That one made me laugh out loud !
Not to brag but my wife says I have an answer for everything.
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied.
They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
December tenth is the best day of the year
I highly recommend 12/10
Apparently, you can only see the ghost of Santa December 25th
That's when he reveals his presents
December is the worst time of the year for someone who is
My boss didnt give me a single weekend off this December
He's a sleigh driver.
Towards the end of December, I saw Bobby Fischer and Gary Kasparov in a hotel lobby, both saying they were the better chess player.
That's the best thing about Christmas - chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.
During the Middle Ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this pandemic ends?
If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit. Damn Garmin...
Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"
Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said, 'In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle,’ he said. Saint Peter said 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Air Force pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'They had a ring to them; you may pass through the pearly gates.’
The Marine pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carol's.'
And so, my friends, the Christmas Season Begins...
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