Factory Joke Thread – December 2020

Christmas is coming so a husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He wraps it up and on Christmas Day presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. He expresses that it will be a Christmas present from her to him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), "I have an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

Shortly therafter, she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot. The funeral is 12/26 and it will be a closed coffin.

Like getting out of bed and going to work.

Good one!

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - I just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Yuppers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!

John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “Hillbillies.” You must now refer to them as “Appalachian Americans.”

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"

I Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram know when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

Hippos are really heavy, but a zippo is a little lighter.

Good One!!

Great one

My wife and I were in a busy shopping center yesterday. My wife suddenly noticed that I was missing and as we had a lot to do, she called me on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

I said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the golf shop next door to that."

A drunk goes into a bar. "Drinks for everyone, and one for you too." he says to the bartender. The bartender serves everyone, including himself. "That'll be £76, please." I don't have any money." says the drunk. The bartender takes him outside and beats him up.
The next day the drunk comes back. "Drinks for everyone, including the bartender." The bartender thinks to himself, he wouldn't be so stupid to do the same thing again - he must have money this time, so he serves the drinks. But when he asks him to pay, the drunk tells him that he doesn't have any money again. The bartender takes him outside and gives him a savage beating.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and tells the bartender to get a drink for everyone. "And not one for me tonight?" asks the bartender. "Nah," says the drunk. "You get violent when you drink

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind up a few and mix them in the orange juice that my twin teenage Granddaughters drink ... .And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

I Like!!!!!!!!

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Phil, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.

Phil entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Phil was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Phil squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:

"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Phil replied.

"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"

"You'd swear to that...?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere..." insisted Phil.

"Good. Then YOU fire her."

Good One made me chuckle

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will disappear in a poof."

Excited to try this mirror out, the women rush to the restroom. The brunette decides to show off and claim she is the most beautiful girl there. "I think I'm the most beautiful person at this restaurant." A million dollars appears in her hands.

The redhead is feeling a little offended. She decides to show off how smart she is: "I think I'm the smartest person in this restaurant." The keys to a lamborghini magically show up in her purse.

The blonde, super excited to get something really cool, starts to tell the mirror something: "I think--" poof. she is never seen again

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”

Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”

Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”

Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.

Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”

The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies

Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”

What did the hamburger say when he introduced his wife?

Wait for it.... wait for it!

Meat Patty

What does the champagne bottle call his father on New Year’s Eve

Wait for it.... wait

“Pop”

8. If 2020 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
9. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain 10 pounds so I look skinnier.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.