Factory Joke Thread – October 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”

Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”

Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”

“Ah,” the receptionist says. “The plot thickens.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best friend.”

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

“AHHHH! Who are you?”

“Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.”

“Good hell, you scared me half to death.”

“It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.”

“Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam.

“There is baseball in heaven.”

“Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Floyd the Rooster

Floyd the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So he buys Floyd. The farmer takes Floyd home and sets him down in the barnyard--then gives the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Floyd seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Floyd took off like a shot. WHAM! Floyd nailed every hen in the hen house, three or four times. The farmer was flabbergasted

After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Floyd was there.

Later, the farmer saw Floyd after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again, WHAM! Floyd got all the geese.

By sunset the farmer saw Floyd in the field chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't last even 24 hours. The farmer went to bed.

When he awoke the next day, he found Floyd on his back--stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shook his head and said

"Oh, Floyd, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Floyd opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said, "Shhh! They're getting closer."

he forgot

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the minced beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of minced beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

On their way to get married,

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

it's all a matter of perspective

I wondered why the train was getting bigger, but then it hit me.

A simplified urine test

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimer

--
John from PA

Parental Exercise

One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad – both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing.

The mom says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.”

So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him.

She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?”

Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.”

So, Timmy’s mom thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind.

“Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?”

“That’s all I saw and I have no idea.”

“Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and I, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.”

Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?”

Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.”

Red Skelton's recipe for a perfect marriage

First of all you probably have to be about 60+ years of age to know who Red Skelton is, but even if you don't the humor is priceless.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

--
John from PA

Science Jokes

Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases here.” Argon doesn’t react.

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?It went OK.

If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”

“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”

“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”

Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An Atheist in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

not talking

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I will have to...

to remember this. Don't look, don't breathe and don't ever say anything and it will be dead quiet!

geo334 wrote:

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

Leave here with a laugh

The following ad appeared in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, Ethnicity not
important. I'm a good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long
walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
When you get home from work I'll be at the front door wearing only
what nature gave me. Call (404)505-1212 and ask for Daisy.

Over 1500 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8 week old black Labrador retriever.

from: RV newsletter.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Halloween Jokes Stolen from the Internet

Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
A:Spooketi
———-
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!
———-
Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
A: Spelling.
———-
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
———-
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!
———-
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.
———-
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.
———-
Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?
———-
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
———-
Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
———-
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
———-
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!
———-
Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.
———-
Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
A: Shamboo!
———-
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
———-
Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!
———-
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!
———-
“Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.”
“Please be quiet and comb your face.”
———-
Q: What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
A: I scream!
———-
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
———-
Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: Twick o tweet
———-
Q: What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,a Poodle and a ghost?
A: A cocker poodle boo.
———-
Q: What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
A: Mummies!
———-
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite fruit?
A: Booberries!
———-
Q: What does a skeleton say before dinner?
A: Bone appetit!
———-
Q: What does a witch use to keep her hair up?
A: Scarespray!
———-
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire
?A: Frostbite.
———-
Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
A: Boo-Jeans.
———-
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.
———-
Q: What did one owl say to the other owl?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
———-
Q: Why is a skeleton so mean?
A: He doesn’t have a heart.
———-
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
———-
Q: What did the ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in humans?
———-
Q: What do vampires take when they are sick?
A: Coffin drops!
———-
Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?
A: Count Quackula!
———-
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite pie?
A: Booberry pie!
———-
Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store!

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

More Science Jokes

What does a subatomic duck say?
Quark!

How often do you like to hear jokes about elements.
A: Periodically.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
“You May have graduated, but I’ve got many degrees.”

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

What element is a girl’s future best friend?
Carbon.

time for some change

Did you hear about the banker who quit his job?

He lost interest.

Plane Crash on a Deserted Island

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

--
Politicians and Diapers must be changed often for the exact same reason...

Police came around last night and told me

Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes ... hell, my dogs don’t even have bikes!

--
Politicians and Diapers must be changed often for the exact same reason...
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