This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
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"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
*SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE READS:*
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
*A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:*
"Blind man driving."
*In a Podiatrist's office:*
"Time wounds all heels."
*On a Septic Tank Truck*:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
*At an Optometrist's Office*:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."
*On a Plumber's truck*:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
*On another Plumber's truck*:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
*At a Tire Shop *:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
*On an Electrician's truck*:
"Let us remove your shorts."
*In a Non-smoking Area:*
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."
*On a Maternity Room door*:
"Push. Push. Push."
*At a Car Dealership*:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
*Outside a Muffler Shop:*
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
*In a Veterinarian's waiting room*:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
*At the Electric Company:*
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."
*In a Restaurant window:*
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
*In the front yard of a Funeral Home*:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
*At a Propane Filling Station:*
"Thank Heaven for little grills."
*In a Radiator Shop:*
"Best place in town to take a leak."
*And the best one for last...;*
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Pretoria. 'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase,,,,
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they are the most perfect breasts God ever created."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
I posted virtually the same thing for September. See http://www.poi-factory.com/node/50115?page=1 9/28 at 5:18 PM.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new f**king boat.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
I got thrown out of math class for one too many infractions.
Mathematicians are sum worshippers.
I knew a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Did you now that mathematicians are always reluctant to cosine a loan?
My family takes monopoly too seriously
A wise man said to his son, "my son, when you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box and then eaten in triangles, then my son, you will be able to understand women."
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.
...Liam looked at Noah.
"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"
Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"
"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"
"No way dude, that's impossible, I don't remember Joe being rich"
"Come with me and see for yourself if you don't believe me"
Later that day, both Liam and Noah went to Joe's house. Noah rang the doorbell and Joe mama opens the door.
Noah quickly asks," My friend came to Joe's party last night and claimed that you have toilet bowls made of gold, is that really true?"
She stood there for a while and yells back into the house.
"Alfred, that scumbag that shat in your tuba is here!"
Australian bear's favorite drink?
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.
As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -
The man, terrified for his life, turned and started running. Behind him, the coffin came faster
Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster
The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin.
The axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display.
He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs
The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.
In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, cough syrup covered the coffin from top to bottom
and the coffin stopped...
A boy calls 911.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning!
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
Why didn't the skeleton use a towel?
Because he always comes out bone dry.
While on my way to St. Ives, I saw a man with 7 wives. Each wife had 7 sacks. Each sack had 7 cats. Each cat had 7 kittens. Kitten, cats, sacks, wives, How many were going to St. Ives?
A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil!" she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
`During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees". Inspired by the story, the doctor said
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"NAH" he replied "I'm just a lousy golfer"
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------------
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Sorry... I didn't notice. My bad...
One== (While on my way to St. Ives)
One. Very old riddle.
What do you expect from an old fart
What do you call a penguin wandering in Death Valley?
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where's my present?!
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
What did the skydiver say when he realized he was in for a rough landing?
-Dante the mailman.
-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!
-But mom, age is just a number.
-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
‘Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?’ he said. ‘I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.’
‘You’re on, old man,’ the braggart replied. ‘It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.’
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, ‘All right. Get in.’
I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said, “Am I keeping you from something?”
I replied, “I have to leave for tai chi.”
“Oh,” she said, sounding intrigued. “What country is that in?”
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
What is the chemical formula for a banana? BaNa2
What should do you do with a dead Chemist? Barium!
Dental Chemistry Riddle
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.
What did one charged atom say to the other? I've got my ion you.
We're telling them tomorrow.
The optician brings out a card with the letters
C R W I N O K S T A Z
"Can you read the letters" asks the optician.
The Polish man:"Read it? I know the guy."
The 7th Panzer Division
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.
St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.
The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?"
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."
Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
That would be You! - You saw all the other on your way..
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that was not the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years?"
He shrugged and replied "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He lived......... and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.
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