Factory Joke Thread – June 2016

One Liners

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers?
A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards

Q: Why do blondes always want boob jobs?
A: Because it's the only job they are qualified for.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

You be bad, John.

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. A bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You ba***rd!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

I laughed for a long time on these oldies but goodies!

Those were just terrible.

Almost as bad as the, "Little Johnny" and "Dead Baby" jokes

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

"Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as
frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software."
      Arthur C. Clarke in "The Odyssey File" (1985)

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute

I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde
"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.
She then proceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.
"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.
"Cover up the cut in your finger."

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”
His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”
“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”
“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”
The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

But I didn't

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. She holds it in place and waits for the world to revolve around her.

A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.

Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately -- for rustling.

Good stuff again as always. Love this thread every month!

What is the difference between a dog, your wife and sex?

You can beat your dog, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat sex.

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple tallents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as Benny was walking the beach, he stumbled over a small black jar-shaped object. Benny curiously picked it up and began to brush off the sand.
Woosh
Benny winced as sand flew into his eyes, blinding him temporarily. By the time he opened his eyes, a shadow had been cast over him.
"I AM KHALROG, GENIE OF THE URN, YOU HAVE AWOKEN ME FROM MY SLUMBER. WHAT IS YOUR ONE TRUE DESIRE?" the genie bellowed.
Stunned, Benny could hardly believe what he was seeing. Benny thought for a moment as he regained his senses. Then he began to speak, "Well, I've always wanted a magnificent beard. I've always had a hard time with the ladies and I hear great beards are a wonderful attraction."
"VERY WELL," replied the genie, "YOU MAY HAVE YOUR BEARD. HOWEVER, I MUST WARN YOU THAT THIS BEARD COMES AT A PRICE: YOU MUST NEVER SHAVE IT OFF."
Benny thought for a moment, then agreed to the genie's conditions. A brilliant beard protruded from Benny's chin and grew and grew until finally it reached his belly. This was fantastic! Surely he would be a ladies' man now!
Years passed by as Benny became an icon of beard lovers everywhere. He won contest after contest and seducing women had never been easier. Then one day, he met the woman of his dreams. They went on several dates together before she revealed to him that she would love nothing else than to see him without his beard. Benny loved his beard, but he loved this woman much more. Reluctantly, he agreed to shave it off in the morning.
The next morning, Benny grabbed his razor and started to shave his beard.
POOF
Suddenly, Benny was teleported into a round, black room!
"Egad!" Benny cried. "Where am I!?"
"YOU HAVE DISOBEYED THE ONE RULE, BENNY," a voice behind him roared.
Benny stammered, "But I... I... it's only a beard! Why are you doing this to me?"
The genie replied, "I AM THE GENIE OF THE URN, BENNY. I HAVE RULES. WHEN THOSE RULES ARE BROKEN, YOU MUST BE PUNISHED."
"So... so... what's my... my punishment then?" Benny stuttered.
"YOU WILL REMAIN HERE IN MY URN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND THE WORLD WILL KNOW YOUR FAULTS." the genie exclaimed.
And from that day forth, Benny has taught all Bennys everywhere the most important lesson of all:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Good One!!!

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to
an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously
had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of
the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do
not step in exhaust."

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

Are you stating the shots were "within the margin of error?"

To think that we recently celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary is amazing. Especially amazing given that I almost did not get a second date.

Why? Because I didn't open her car door. Instead, I swam to the surface.

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.

After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.

She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said,

"Not even when things are all F***ed up?!"

Groan....I didn't see that coming...poor Benny!

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

01. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

02. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

03. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

04. My father taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why ."

05. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

06. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

07. My father taught me IRONY .

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

08. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . =

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

09. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece, less the $100 I gave you and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Todd.

The very first ever Blonde Guy joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!!

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!!

The financial situation had been very bad for several months. Because he was out of work and destitute, a young man decided to rob a bank. After days of observation, he chose a small satellite bank facility across the metropolitan area from where he was living.

He spent several days planning every move. Late one dark moonless night he picked the lock on the rear door of the bank without difficulty.

He stealthily crept through the bank to the place where he knew the safe stood. Then his troubles began. While trying to pick the lock on the safe, he set off the burglar alarm, but his careful preparation paid off. He had brought along a furniture dolly. He quickly loaded the small safe onto the dolly and rolled it out to his van.

He drove to a friend's house and explained his problem. He asked if, in exchange for some of the loot, he might store the safe in the friend's garage for a few days. His friend assured him: "You can rest assured, your safe is secret with me!"

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

Something I would have done.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
When St. Peter arrived they asked him. St. Peter said I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informed the couple, You can get married in Heaven.

Great! said the couple.

But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

Whats wrong? asked the frightened couple.

OH COME ON! St. Peter shouted. It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

Always good jokes to read and share, Keep them coming!!

Cigarette cartons that didn't get moved off the conveyor (like the I Love Lucy show) fell off the end and got damaged. The engineers tried to design elevators and all other ideas. Eventually, a factory worker put a piece of sheet metal at the end of the conveyor so the cartons could slide to the floor without getting damaged.

A man told his doctor he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house like he used to.

When the examination was complete, he said:

“Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man.

“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Good

What is the term??????????

LoL

lethargy [leth´er-je]
1. a lowered level of consciousness marked by listlessness, drowsiness, and apathy.
2. a condition of indifference. adj., adj lethar´gic.

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year.
“In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring” the Yank said.
“Why? In Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us.” said the Scot.
“Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?” asked the American.
“No,” said the Scot “we just put on an extra sweater or two.”

A man decided to shave off his beard after having it a long time. He thought he would surprise his wife so he went straight to the bathroom and shaved his face clean after coming in one night. He climbed into bed and snuggled up close to his wife. She immediately commented, "OK but we have to be quick. My husband will be home soon."

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."

This is too funny not to share ... Who says Dads can't think on their feet?
And the innocence of little kids ..

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies," No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

If you aren't laughing... You aren't living!

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Ha Ha Ha
Ho Ho Ho
He He He

A rancher counted 93 cows while they were grazing, but when he rounded them up he had 100.

Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night