Factory Joke Thread – June 2016

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook

A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it." The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

Now that is a great joke!

I heard about a horrible river dragon that lurked in the waters under the old London Bridge and destroyed passing boats, eating the crews and passengers. Finally, a group of brave knights lured it up onto the banks and, with great loss of life, managed to slay the horrible beast.

After the conquest, Sir Newt suggested that they grind up the foul beast and use it for food in the local orphanage to cut down on the wasteful cost of gruel.

Thus Dicken's opening line..."It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames."

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped out of the way.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep.
Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual.
Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate.
As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.
But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”
So, the Devil cranked up the heat and humidity even more, but the man just took off his coat, smiled again, and said, "Well, this is just like Chicago in the summer."
Getting angry now, the Devil put the heat and humidity to the highest possible setting; however, yet again, the man just smiled, took off his shirt and tie, and said, “Ahhhh! Good old August Chicago heat!”
Enraged, the Devil was about to seek an even hotter inferno but then got an idea…
He shut off the heat to the man’s room and instead turned on the air conditioner. Within seconds, the room was frozen solid, colder than anything the man had ever experienced during his time on Earth.
Confident he had finally gotten the best of the man, the devil walked away to take care of other matters. He returned several hours later only to find the man cheering wildly and dancing around.
“What the HELL are you DOING?!?!” The Devil roared. "Celebrating!” The man shouted back. “The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!"

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.
But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”
So, the Devil cranked up the heat and humidity even more, but the man just took off his coat, smiled again, and said, "Well, this is just like Chicago in the summer."
Getting angry now, the Devil put the heat and humidity to the highest possible setting; however, yet again, the man just smiled, took off his shirt and tie, and said, “Ahhhh! Good old August Chicago heat!”
Enraged, the Devil was about to seek an even hotter inferno but then got an idea…
He shut off the heat to the man’s room and instead turned on the air conditioner. Within seconds, the room was frozen solid, colder than anything the man had ever experienced during his time on Earth.
Confident he had finally gotten the best of the man, the devil walked away to take care of other matters. He returned several hours later only to find the man cheering wildly and dancing around.
“What the HELL are you DOING?!?!” The Devil roared. "Celebrating!” The man shouted back. “The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!"

A guy had a blind date last night. But he was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.
So he knocked on the girl's door. Turns out he needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!
He couldn't get over how attractive she was.
Just as he was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos...." *poof*... He disappeared without a tres.

Also keeps me from rolling out of bed at night.

They're both great!

A golfer met the Pope and said to him, “Your Holiness I’m a very keen golfer. I play every day. Is there by any chance a golf course in Heaven?”
I’m not sure said the Pope, I’ll have to ask God.
A few days later the man met the Pope again and asked if there was any news about there being a golf course in Heaven.
The Pope answered him, “Apparently there is a beautiful course in heaven with velvet smooth greens and lush fairways. The bad news is you have a tee time for tomorrow evening.”

Good One!!

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

2. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

3. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

4. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

5. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

6. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation....

7. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.

8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

9. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

10. I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

11. Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

12. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

13. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

Well, he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking

Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

He had been the local priest for this village for many years, and he noticed that recently, more and more of the stories he heard at Confession were relating to youthful angst and fooling around that went against the local religious values. To his dismay, the village was beginning to gain a rather negative reputation for promiscuity among the nearby villages. Even if he could not change their behavior, he wanted to at least help his people maintain their reputation. He thus made a discrete announcement that from this day forward, if people were talking about their sexual adventures, they should use the code word that "they had tripped." Within weeks, the village's reputation had slowly returned to normal, and the priest was very happy with his 'solution.'
A few months go by, and almost everyone in the village now knows about the code word. The priest is briefly called away one week, and so he asks a close friend of his to stand in for him for that week. Understandably, he doesnt tell his replacement about the code word, for fear that he will judge the village and the priest.
Everything goes smoothly until the day for Confessions. The new priest is horrified to learn that over the past week, dozens of people have been tripping and falling all over town. He is appalled and quickly rushes over to the local engineer/road builder and furiously admonishes him, "You should be ashamed of yourself! I have heard over a dozen stories of people tripping across the town today. This is incredibly dangerous, and I demand you do something to repair the roads at once!"
The engineer, being a local and knowing of the code word, begins to laugh uncontrollably at the new priest's naivety and incorrect understanding of the idiom.
The priest, seeing the laughter, indignantly chastises the engineer, "Sir, this is no laughing matter. Your wife even just came in today and said she had tripped twice last weekend!"

Not so nice

A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship's captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mudflats of San Francisco bay. True story. This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of grounding the warship you walk on.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are now hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is reportedly up for sale and is rumored to be going for a song.

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, do they have golf courses, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'

Good thing she didn't get really excited and pull...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you, ” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said,”Sir, you are too kind.”

“Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.
You’ll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.” . .
.
Come on now…you really didn’t think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story…did you????

I heard that one with drum and egg in the list.

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.
“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”
“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”
The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf swing — the grip, the takeaway, the power.
“You can now crush every golfer in the world,” the genie says, “except your wife, who’s gonna beat you like a drum.”
The guy is a little bummed about that, so for his second wish he asks to be the world’s richest man.
“It’s done,” says the genie. “But don’t forget that your wife can now buy and sell you 10 times over. One wish left.”
“OK,” the guy says. “For my last wish, I’d like to have a mild heart attack.”

Good One!!

It is better to give than receive...lol

There is something very fishy going on a Sashimi Bank.

Karate Bank is chopping staff.

Ninja Bank? Quiet, as usual.

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved my precious little dog. Upon getting back on the pier, he checked my puppy out and told me:
"Ze dog is ok. He vill be fine."

Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked:
"Are you a vet?"

He replied:
"Vet? I'm fucken soaked!"

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Good one

A very complete blonde joke list indeed.

Good

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last, but NOT least:

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in everyday.

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Hi John,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
The Actions:
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.
The Second Message:
Hi John,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.
Regards, Alan.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
“Charlie Smith,” someone shouted,” “is that you?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Who are you?”
“We're from the Red Cross.”
“I gave at the office!” Charlie shouted back.

There was a Babylonian General who was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped one night and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates.

He searched all over, but couldn't find them! So he figured he had better burn all the secret plans that were hidden in the ziggurat. As soon as the fire was going he threw in the first papers, and he was then promptly discovered and captured.

The moral of the story:

WARNING! The searchin' General has determined that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .
molasses."

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint!