Factory Joke Thread – July 2016

Short Summer Jokes

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm bacon!

Q: What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?
A: Summer!

Q: How do you prevent a Summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!

Q: What do you call a french guy in sandals?
A: Phillipe Phloppe.

Q: When do you go at red and stop at green?
A: When you're eating a watermelon.

Q: How do men exercise at the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

Q: How hot is a Los Angeles summer?
A: So hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a pack of dogs!

Q: How do you know your city is suffering from a heatwave?
A: Every fat guy sweating in the city smells like Bacon!

Hair gets lighter, Skin gets darker, Music gets louder, Nights get longer, Life gets better. This Summer.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there were other employees in the hallway, he decides to make a public firing. He walks up to the guy and asks,
"How much do you make in a week?"
"$400" says the guy, stunned by such a question.
The CEO then goes into his office and a few minutes later comes out with a large stack of bills. He hands $1600 to the guy and says,
"Here's your pay for four weeks. You're fired. Now get the hell out of here and never come back"
The CEO, clearly pleased what he had just done turns to the witnessing employees and asks,
"Does anybody know what the hell this slacker was doing?"
One of the employees says,
"He was a pizza delivery guy waiting for someone to pay for the pizza he'd just delivered."

Osama bin Lauden appeared in a video recently claiming to be alive.
Among other things, he also commented on how shitty the English football team had become.
British Intelligence, however, have dismissed it saying that it could have been recorded anytime during the last 44 years.

What are the seasons in Canada?
Winter and July.

Construction and Winter

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him. Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Good One!!!

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't been with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I can look the other way."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

George Best snickers. Geoff Hurst weeps.

I need a house on a golf course...lol

A teacher asked her 6th grade class: “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

Maria stood up, bright red and angry, and said “How can you ask such a question? I’m telling my parents and they’re going to get you fired!”

The teacher was shocked by the outburst, but decided to ignore it. She asked the class again, “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?”

This time Thomas responded, “The answer is the iris in the human eye.”

“Very good, Thomas. Thank you,” replied the teacher who then turned her gaze on Maria.

“Maria, I need to tell you three things. First, you obviously have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear that one day you will be very, very disappointed.”

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?' questioned the doctor.
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

I had to read this several times before I realized the joke is that her head is empty.

I thought the blonde was just doing house cleaning...you know...cleaning out the cobwebs...lol

Fred Herring's best friend was Waylon Whale. They always played together. Their friendship was well known all over the ocean. One day Waylon decided that he would like to take a trip to the Gulf of California, but Fred, fearing earthquakes, decided not to go with him but to stay in Puget Sound.

A few weeks later in school, an angel fish class mate of Fred's asked "Do you know what Waylon Whale is doing down there in granola land (land of fruits, nuts, and flakes)?"

"No" replied Fred Herring, "I'm not my blubber's kipper."

As always, Great Jokes and I read them All!!

I like jokes!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

I dated a natural blond Italian/Polish nurse who tried suicide when she was younger - twice!

This is what all of us: 70+, other seniors, and kids (south of 60) have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
> The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
> An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
> When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts

The Washington Redskins have finally changed their offensive team name.

They have removed the word "Washington" from it.

Good One!!

An 80-year-old man moved to a new city and joined a new country club. When he first showed up at the club, a lot of its members looked at him eagerly: an old man, someone we can win some money from!
The 80-year-old man did nothing to dispell their reactions. “I hit the ball pretty good,” he said, “but I have a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers.”
“Aha!” thought the whippersnappers. “Our course doesn’t have many deep bunkers, but there are tons of shallow ones and if he struggles getting out of the sand, we’ll take his money for sure.”
When the 80-year-old showed up for his first round at his new course, Harvey was waiting. “Would you like to play?” he asked the old man. “And maybe we can make it interesting – what do you say, put a little money on it?”
The 80-year-old agreed and he and Harvey set out to play. “How many strokes do you need?” asked Harvey, who was only 55. “Oh, I don’t need any strokes,” the old man said, “my game is really good.
The only problem I’m having right now is getting out of deep bunkers.”
Harvey was a pretty good player, but the old man was really good. He was striping the ball. If not for Harvey’s 25-year age advantage, the old man would have been far ahead.
The old man even hit the ball great on a couple bunker shots. “Hmmm,” Harvey thought, “he said he had trouble out of deep bunkers, and we haven’t really got to one of those yet … just be patient, I know he’ll find one of the deep bunkers around the 17th green.”
Sure enough, Harvey and the old man reached the par-3 17th hole tied, and the old man promptly put his tee ball right smack in the middle of the big, deep bunker in front of the green.
“I’ve got him now!” Harvey thought.
The 80-year-old slid down into the bunker and took his stance over the ball. Then he took a perfect swing and floated the ball up out of the bunker. It hit perfectly on the fringe, took one little hop and rolled to within two feet of the cup before stopping.
Harvey had seen enough. “Dang it!” he shouted at the old man, who was still in the bunker. “I thought you said you had a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers!”
“Oh, I do,” the 80-year-old said, reaching out to Harvey. “Can you give me a hand?”

This is worth spreading around!

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Last night, as I lay in bed staring up at the stars, I couldn't help but wonder, "What happened to the ceiling?"

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

ha

Good one

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Winter & Winter.

I love the jokes.

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “YA, YA, acre and half and nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “Ya, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always up before her.”

Lawyer: “WHY do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I got proof.

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says, “Polish Remover.”

190,000,000 years ago, at the beginning of the Jurassic period, cave children loved to hop onto the back of a friendly Stegosaurus, whose distinctive high-arched body reached twenty feet.

One day, to his parents' horror, a toddler leaped off a precipice, oblivious to the fact that, seconds before, the great beast below had lumbered off. "Poor kid," said his father, shaking his head, "he hasn't got a Steg to land on."

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

Good for a good laugh. Thanks for sharing.

I love it.

goodone

Dang! I thought one of the seasons was "Road Construction"

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" T he woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

I don't get the joke.. Can you explain What's supposed to be funny about it?

During the recent club championship, I was playing in the final pairing. Going in to the last hole, we were tied.

I hit the perfect drive - three hundred yards straight down the center of the fairway. My opponent hit the dreaded hook into the woods.

After spending a few minutes looking for his ball, he told me to go hit my ball and he would spend a few more minutes and then go back to the tee to re-hit.

So, I go and hit the perfect approach shot ending two feet from the pin.

I then here a loud yell saying fore and a ball lands near me and ends up 6 inches from the hole.

As my opponent walks up to the green, he says "as I was walking out of the woods, I see my ball. It must have hit a tree and bounced back"

Now my dilemma - do I accuse him of cheating as I pull his ball from my pocket or do I keep my mouth shut?

Good One!!

Because it came from a another female who was just about as concerned as the wife was over the death

Made me chuckle. That was a good one.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"