Factory Joke Thread – February 2016

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.

The new definition of liquidity: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good; nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that Ii just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!" And that's when I shot him!"

Good One!!!

I got it....don't mess with old ladies who carry guns. lol

A fifth grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently. 'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!'

Hung Chow called into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart...
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
.
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
.
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
.
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
.
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.

The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble

were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox .

The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed

his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again...

I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog,

Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.

Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck

his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

Especially on April 1st! ;-o

What do these three things have in common:

1. Tornado
2. Hurricane
3. Redneck Divorce

SOMEBODY'S FIXIN TO LOSE A TRAILER HOME!

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a very sexy sweet young thing walking in ....

I asked the trainer standing next to me,"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend your ATM."

A wealthy seventy year-old man was madly in love with a beautiful twenty year old.

“Do you think she’ll marry me if I tell her I’m forty?” he asked a friend.

His friend responded, “you'd probably have better luck if you told her that you were ninety-five.”

Humor turns into reality!

Good one Timantide!

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.

Do birds know where they're going when they fly south for the winter or do they just wing it every time?

The Rodent Club finished drafting their constitution, but it has yet to be ratified.

The historian loves reading about bobcats. They are lynx to the past.

The home for rich squirrels is The Nutcracker Suite.

The animals at the zoo started rioting. A porcupine was brought in to quill the uprising.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the Feed Store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, rip my panties off and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens..

Following and argument with his wife, a husband tried to make peace. He suggested:" Why don't you meet me halfway on this? I'll admit you're wrong if you admit I'm right.

From RV newsletter

I've never gotten that approach to work. I must be doing it wrong.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .
The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina indisa car. Musta go to a smokina car..'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car and a go to bed.
We justa about to go make a "badaboom-badabing" and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

Nofolka Virginia !
Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

Having spent 8 years in Norfolk, VA in the Navy, I remember the poem(ditty) that Sailors used to tell other Sailors how to properly pronounce Norfolk.

We are the girls of Norfolk, Norfolk
We don't drink, we don't smoke
Norfolk, Norfolk.

First Day of Class

A former Marine Corps Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said "nothing". The reason I said nothing instead of saying just thinking is because she then would have asked about what?

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good One!!!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen
with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water
there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we
drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we
are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or
other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it 's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I’m doing it as a personal service.

There must not have been a man anywhere in sight.

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when they are pushed down the stairs.

That is an absolutely stunning conclusion...lol

Boy do those old gals know how to get what they want!

That would be something I would have done!!!

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. How sad that he ran out of thyme.

Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing. It's such a shame that good people have to die fusilli reasons.

It was a farfalle from grace.

And he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"

.when I serve breakfast in bed instead of "who are you" and "how did you get in here".

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Ah, I see, now I know the condition I have been having over the last year or so.

My buddy's wife started a new support group, Mothers Against Dyslexia. She calls it DAM.

Now that was painful!! LOL

Q: How many Golden State Warriors players does it take to change a tire? A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

That was bad....and so are they. lol

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus

Illiterate? Call (800) READNOW for help.

Why don’t oysters give to charity?… Because they’re shellfish.

Why did the lobster blush?… Because the sea weed.

What does a mermaid wear to maths lessons?… An algae-bra.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?… The prawn broker.

The leader of china calls the President of the United States and says: "Hey man, we haven't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?" To which the President said: "Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big show down but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the syrian crisis, superbowl...how about you come back in a couple of years? Or better yet, call Russia!"
The chinese leader hung up the phone and called Putin right away. After he politely asked if he could invade Russia Putin replied: "It sounds like it would be a worthy challenge for mother Russia but we are currently fighting in Syria so unless you would like to go all the way over there then I'm afraid that we have to pass."
The great leader was just about to hang up when Putin added: "You know what though? There is a country that you might not even have heard of but those who have been foolish enough to have fought with them and by some miracle survived can tell you that they will never back down from a fight, call...the swedes [or insert the nationality of the person that you are telling the joke to here]."
Naturally the leader called the prime minister of Sweden and said "Listen, we have heard about how strong your warriors are and so we have decided to declare war upon you to see once and for all who has the greater army."
The prime minister was obviously surprised to receive such a phone call but he soon replied: "Oh I see, interesting...tell me...how many are you?
With pride, the great leader answered: "I have a billion soldiers awaiting my command!"
"Oh shit...wait a minute, I have to check with some of my ministers to see what they think about this...you said a billion with a "b" right?"
"Yes" said the great leader smiling.
After a couple of minutes the prime minister returned to the phone and said with great disappointment: "Hi again, sorry for keeping you waiting but it is exactly as I thought...we would love to fight you guys but we have no idea where we would bury all of you!"