Factory Joke Thread – March 2016

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.

Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

I know that accountant!!!!

Wife: Look at that drunk guy!

Husband: Who is he?

Wife: 10 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.

Husband: Oh my God, he's still celebrating...

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Some things you just can't explain.”

So, two farmers, Eb and Silus, were talking in a field one day about Eb's son going to college.
　　"I don't understand what them college degrees is about," said Silus.
　　"Well," replied Eb, "you go to school for four years, study hard and when you pass you get your BS degree."
　　And, being a man of the world, Silus understood what that meant.
　　"Then what?" asked Silus.
　　Eb replied, "Well, if you want to learn more and get better pay you conttinue for another two years and get your MS degree."
　　"What's that?" asked Silus.
　　"More of the same, answered Eb.
　　"Well then what happens?" Silus asked.
　　"Well, if you want the best degree you have to spend about another four years, do research and write long papers and, if you're successful, you finally get the best degree of all-the PhD."
　　And what does that stand for?" Silus asked.
　　"Piled higher and deeper," Eb replied.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had..an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip shit's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?"

4. I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

5. I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

6. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

7. Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

8. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

10. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

11. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

12. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

13. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

15. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.

What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.

Can February March? No, but April May.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

How many optometrist does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?

I heard there was a new store called moderation. They have everything in there.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. It was just a Fanta sea.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood, because now I'm feeling a little eel.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

Whenever I want to start eating healthy, the chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

A three-legged dog walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orcha-stra.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

My sea sickness comes in waves.

I asked a French man if he played video games. He said "wii."

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.

I have kleptomania... but when it gets bad I take something for it.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some Chap-Stick... and put it on my bill."

Comedians who tell too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

I'm on a whiskey diet, I've lost 4 days already.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's OK, he woke up.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

I have the heart of a lion, and a life time ban from the San Diego zoo.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I was in an 80's band called The Prevention. We were better than The Cure.

I said to the doctor, "Can you give me something for my liver?" He handed me a pound of onions.

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was so time consuming.

I've just written a song about a tortilla, well, it's more of a rap really.

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company. It was soda pressing.

Doctor, you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

Joe gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure ! Why not. Where’s the vacuum ?"

Half an hour later, Joe comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running: I thought you were
going to do the vacuuming ?”

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken: it won't start. We need to buy a new one.”

“Really ?” she says, “show me -- it worked fine the last time.” So he shows her.

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cl...

Thats funny. I feel the same!

Good One!!

Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-three 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, "I'm going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here."

Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.

Jesus turns to Moses and says, "How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?"

Moses says, "No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I'm not going to be a party to it!"

Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.

One of them asks Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses turns and says, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"

X 2!

What is a bunny-rabbit's favorite music?

Hip-hop.

Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money

I have those batteries!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm a divorce Lawyer"

There can NEVER be too many Lawyer jokes!
Ron

Ha, a short and sweet classic, old joke. Thanks for the laugh again!

What did one flat-fish parasite say to the other at the end of their date?… “Your plaice or mine?”

How can you amplify a pirate’s DNA?… PC Arghhh.

What did the beach say to the wave?… “Long tide, no sea.”

What does seaweed say when it’s stuck at the bottom of the sea?… “Kelp! Kelp!”

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?… Drop it a line!

• When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

• Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

• A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

• Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

• There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

• Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

• There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

• Virginity can be cured.

• Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

• Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

• I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

• Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

• Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

• A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

• Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

• Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

• Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

All grade-school teachers can relate…

A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, Now, where are your gloves?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

Finnegan arrives at Mrs. O’Malley’s door and says, “I’ve something to tell you.”

“Where’s my husband?”

“There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”

“Oh God, no!”

“I’m sorry, Seamus is dead and gone.”

Mrs. O’Malley collapses into a chair and cries.

“How did it happen?”

“He fell into a vat of Guineas and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no. He got out three times to pee.”

Good One!!

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

A true story from the pages of the Manchester, NH Evening News:

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over
to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get
his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate
window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver
said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The
driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25
years."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!

(from Jokes4Us.com)

Loved this one...especially the last one!

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.

Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, 'What was the problem?'

'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine', explained the flight attendant, 'and it took us a while to find a new pilot.'

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

I like this one!

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the nun said.

“When did you use this awful language?” the Mother Superior asks.

Answered the nun: “Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee.”

“Is that when you cursed?”

“No, Mother Superior,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is that when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior.

“Well, no,” says the nun. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn’t you?”

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ... 38 revolver, so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns ... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
__________________________________________

And remember, an Irish-man isn't drunk until he can't move.

What is White, Irish and sits outside?

Patty O'Furniture

How long have you been holding on to that one waiting for St Patty's Day?!?

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.
Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time.
Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his ass off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife.
2 weeks later he receives 4 infractions for not wearing his seat belt.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?… Because they spend years at C!

Why are seabirds so lucky in love?… Because one good tern always deserves another.

Where do you calculate the mass of a cetacean?… At a Whale-Weigh Station.

Why had the two algae never had sex?… Because they had a planktonic relationship.

What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?…The Codfather.

What happened to the shark that swallowed a bunch of keys?…It got lockjaw.

I tried to login on my Ipad.
Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad.
Also I'm out of wine.

Good stuff here as always. I always take the best and retell them in the newsroom where I work. LOL

funny

His dizzy aunt -------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes--------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------ Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------ Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ....... there ya Gogh!

Good One!!

Well was it?

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" The man said, "It appears your dog choked on her, sir."