Factory Joke Thread – February 2016

and talks to him about a problem she is having.
"I have a terrible time with gas. Luckily, they are silent and scentless. In fact, I've farted several times while I've been here. While it isn't ruining my day to day living, it is terribly embarrassing."
The doctor thinks a minute and prescribes her some medicine. "This should help. Come back in a week."
She starts taking the medicine, and a week later she returns distraught.
"Doctor, the problem has gotten much worse! Now when I pass gas, it smells awful!"
"Okay. Now that we've cleared out your sinuses, we can take care of your hearing

I always heard of Hung Chow in reference to his book, Constipated Chinaman by Hung Chow.

I thing your confused... It was a Florida Chinaman and his name was Hung Chad!

No, Really, That's his name!!!!

With Valentine's Day approaching, remember the one best thing you can do for your spouse, your lover, your sweetie: Never let the three of them meet.

I was visiting my son this week and asked him where his newspaper was. ?He laughed and said, “Dad, it’s the 21st century. We stopped buying newspapers years ago. It saves trees. But you can borrow my iPad.

Okay, fine, whatever.

That lousy housefly never knew what hit it.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push his stroller back home.
5 commentsshare

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the bunny.
Moments later the vegan is sitting on the side of the road, hands in his face, tears pouring down his cheeks over committing murder. He sees another car approach and stop near him. A salesman type gets out of his Buick and rushes up to the scene of the accident. "What happened!"
"It was horrible! I was driving along...I tried to stop...but I killed this poor, defenseless bunny! I don't know what to do! I can't call the police! I have no cell service!"
The salesman looks at the flat rabbit, then looks at the crying vegan, looks back to the rabbit again, thinks for a moment then smiles "Don't worry buddy. I got just the thing!"
The salesman runs to the trunk of his car and digs around for five minutes. He pulls out an aerosol can and races back to the vegan who is now standing over the rabbit.
The salesman sprays the rabbit and amazingly, it suddenly twitches. He sprays again and the rabbit flips over once and lays still. He sprays it for a good minute and suddenly the rabbit springs to life! It shakes it's head, smiles at the two standing there, gives a little wave and proceeds to hop down the highway. After about twenty feet, the rabbit stops, turns and waves at them again then continues on his way. The rabbit stops once again, turns and waves at the two and continues once again down the highway.
The salesman and vegan watch the bunny hop away into the sunset as it stops every so often and wave back at them.
When the rabbit is finally out of sight the vegan turns to the salesman "That was beautiful and amazing! What is in that can? You should make millions selling it! What is it?"
The salesman holds the can up with a smile "Hare restorer with a permanent wave"

Good stuff as always. I love this thread every month!

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….

* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

Good One!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

People should remember these four great religious truths:

1. - Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. - Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. - Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. - Mormon's do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, ‘Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.’
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ‘Wait a minute!’
She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.”
“Her friend said, ‘I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.’
She said, ‘Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him.’
‘You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?’
‘I sure did,’ said the wife. ‘I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.’

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Wait a minute," said the man. "I don't see any clocks with the names of actual politicians."
"That's right!" said St. Peter. "We moved all of them into a big field to the west of here and set up a wind farm. We sell the excess power to hell."

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it.

It's been cold and dark and, well, dank, down in their molehill. Baby Mole is too young to remember the warm days of spring. One fine morning in March a breeze from above wafts through the burrow. "Do you smell that?" cries Mr. Mole as he scurries up the narrow tunnel to the entrance to the burrow. "I do!" replies Mrs. Mole, and follows him so quickly that she and Mr. Mole become wedged at the opening to their home. Baby Mole follows,but there is no room for him to poke his head out of the hole. "Oh, just smell that, it's finally spring!" calls Daddy. "Oh, yes, there is nothing that smells this sweet!" replies Mama. "Can you smell it Baby?!" "No" replies Baby Mole. "All I can smell is molasses."

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party and Prime Minister of Canada!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Trudeau:" Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Trudeau: Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?

The IRS has returned the Tax Return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" the man wrote: "9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington.

The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable!

The man responded back, "Who did I leave out?"

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy.
"Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied,
"Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

After dinner one night a husband hands his wife two Tylenol.
"What's this for?" she asks, "I don't have a headache."
"Aha!" he shouts triumphantly.

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2016:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

...and finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FORWARD THIS ONE!

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "You're pitching on Wednesday."

very good one!

Where do little fish go every morning? … To plaice school.

What is a cetacean’s favorite TV show?… Whale of fortune.

What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?… Nothing, it just waved.

What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?… License to Krill.

We shall no longer be called hillbilly rednecks. We shall henceforth be forever known as Appalachian Americans.

Don't forget the Ozark Americans.

A doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and on the way to preschool his little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Wonderful!" thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

thanks to RV newsletter.

Just remember...Ozark spelled backwards is KRAZO
Mark

Good One!!

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
***************
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
*****************
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
***************
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
****************
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
***************
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
***************
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
***************
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**************
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
**************
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
**************
I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
**************
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
**************
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
****************
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
***************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
**************
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
****************
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
***************
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
****************
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
*****************
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
****************
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
****************
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
***************
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
**************
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
***************
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
****************
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
****************
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
****************
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
****************
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
*****************
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
*****************
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
*****************
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
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THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD

I still love watching his movies and his comedy specials. One of a kind...

Clean and hilarious comedians from that generation. Two more that I miss are Bob Hope and Don Rickles.

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on
a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee,
she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear
to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his
hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet
her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The
mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the
line.

Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, ' Run for your life, she's backing up !! �

A Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course.

Mac putted out and walked back to the cart.

As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.

The scene of a man kneeling next to to his playing partner’s bare rear end, was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.

The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: “What was the bet?”

What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?… Show me your mussels.

Where does seaweed look for a job?… In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads.

Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?… It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?… A nervous wreck.

A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter says, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”

..while his wife waits at home. He promises to be back by five.
Five'o'clock comes and goes and the husband hasn't come back yet. Gradually, the hours tick by and no sign of the husband. The wife is about to go looking for him when the front door opens and the husband shuffles in.
The wife is worried sick.
"Where have you been? You said you'd be home by five, it's now eight'o'clock!"
The husband replies with, "I'm sorry I'm late, but my friend Harry had a heart attack today in the middle of golf."
The wife is shocked.
"Oh dear! That's awful!"
"I know! All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Appar-ently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them fur-ther up on our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
10)I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

So True!!!

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear
of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him:“I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,
said the shrink.
Come talk to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

“Why didn't you come to see me about those
fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year,
is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that
I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said,
“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

interesting jokes!