Factory Joke Thread – July 2024

Willie and Molly in the sands
Engaged in youthful follies
The sun shone hot on Willie's back
The sand was hot ta Molly's

The salad bar.

I just saw it log in.

Yes

A pork chop!

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.
Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up, when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O'Sullivan, fencing.”

• “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

• "I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."

• "I'll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""

• Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”

but I'm still working on it.

Pro Tip:
Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally just write, "Sorry" on the back and leave it under the windshield.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~

The only thing Golden about California is the urine on the sidewalks.
~ Ed Hayes~

I don't know why.

...with new lyrics to accommodate baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snor e.

16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To.

The Metal years !

Silver in your hair
Gold in your teeth
and lead in your pencil !

Devious but clever. Well played.

Phil

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?' Some contestants said there was no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year old Scotch worth $9,000.00 for the case of 6.

No idea why, but everyone said he was an excellent ruler.

My wife asked me the other day, "Are you even listening to me?"

I thought it was a really weird way to start a conversation.

And the one who was 3 feet beat him by a yard.

*Mrs*: Why do you think you deserve a raise? You have only worked here for a month.

*Maid*: I have three reasons, the first being that I cook better than you.

*Mrs*: who told you that?

*Maid*: Your husband said it.

*Mrs*: And what else?

*Maid*: He also told me that I iron his clothes better than you.

*Mrs*: And what's the third reason?!

*Maid*: I'm better in bed than you!

*Mrs*: Did my husband tell you that?!

*Maid*: No, the chauffeur told me!

*Mrs*: ...

*Mrs*: How much do you want?

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?

It was a little horse.

And...

What do you call it if you're haunted by chickens?

A poultry-geist!

And...

What did the pig say to the horse?

"Hey, why the long face?"

And...

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?

An eggroll.

And...

What do you call a momma cow right after she gives birth?

Decalfinated.

Terrible king, great ruler.

Turns out I lack direction.