Factory Joke Thread – January 2016

What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
I haven't seen you for a year!

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
He gave up thinking.

What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!

What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
Social Security

New Years Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops?
Justin Bieber gets jealous

from Jokes4Us

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bas***d." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bas***d." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Way too funny. These ones re new to me.

I loved these! Thanks!

Good One!!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?? "

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer."

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree...so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!"

Brunette: I slept with a Brazilian.

Blond: OMG, how many is a Brazilian?

these are hilarious

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite
clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,
'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on
Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Mike. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Mike 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...''Never again'
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.
"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.
This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.
One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.
When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"
Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.
Larry asked, "How much?"
Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"Fifty bucks."
"O. K."
Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.
Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.
Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"How many words?" asked Jake.
"Three, no more."
"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $8,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing and start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name
of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called
Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou
travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou
canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several
saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew
to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth
the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were
called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or
NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed, he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name
that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious
Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started
using Dot's drums to locate things around the
countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to
Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated

A wife kept her secrets in a hat box under the bed. Her husband, Abie, respected this privacy, and on not one occasion did he pry....until their 30th Wedding Anniversary. "In all our years of marriage," he said with a tone of inquisitiveness, "I have never asked to see what you keep in that box under the bed. Will you show me tonight?"

 "Certainly, darling..." she replied with a glint in her eye. She returned from the bedroom placing the box on the table. She untied the delicate box. Her husband was stunned to see some $16,000 and three eggs. "I'm amazed!" he cried. "But tell me, why the three eggs?" "Well, every time we made love, if I considered your performance below average, I would place an egg in the box." Abie's chest puffed with pride, "Hell, that's good, just three eggs in thirty years, but tell me, where did the $16,000 come from?" "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them." 

A Father asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

I didn't know my cousin was a construction zone thief, but when I went to his house, all the signs were there.

Good One!!!

His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

“Sixty is the WORST age to be,” said the sixty-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee. But most of the time, nothing happens!”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the seventy-year-old man. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have bowel movements anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day but NOTHING happens!”

Then the oldest of the three men chimed in. “Actually,” said the eighty-year-old man, “Eighty is the WORST age of all!”

The sixty-year-old man asked, “Do you have trouble peeing too?”

“Oh no. I pee like a racehorse every morning at 6:00 A.M.,” the 80-year-old man replied.

The seventy-year-old man asked, “Do you have a problem having a bowel movement?”

“Oh no, no, no. I have one every morning at 6:30 A.M. religiously,” the 80-year-old man replied.

Baffled by this, the sixty-year-old said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 A.M. and you poop every morning at 6:30 A.M. So what’s so hard about being eighty-years-old?”

“Well, I don’t wake up until 7 A.M.!”

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A wife came home early…and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.’ And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!! And the husband began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’ The husband took a quick breath and continued -‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘ Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

A lot

Way better that the "Whole Language" approach...LOL

4 Jewish ladies meet after 30 years at their High School Reunion. One goes to take food while the
other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is
so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline
became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own
development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the
buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their
sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he
works in a Gay Bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her
son for not becoming successful. "Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing
good. "Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from
three of his boyfriends..." .

The other three fainted ....

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt.
"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted.'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. Now I'm a prawn again Kristian!'

Boo Hiss

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

On the seventh day He rested!

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline'.

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma’am,’ said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'did we land or were we shot down?'

I can relate to this!
I was on a flight that bounced about four times when we landed,
tha pilot asked us "which one of his landings did we like?"

Very funny but also very true.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People get out of the way much faster now.
 
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.
 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That's common sense leaving your body.
 
I didn't make it to the gym today.  That makes five years in a row.
 
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
 
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet.
 
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
 
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.  Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
 
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights."  I'm just very wise.
 
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
 
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
 
Why do I have to press “one” for English when they're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?  [MY FAVORITE]
 
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
 
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 
Ever wonder why there is a braille pad on a drive-up ATM machine?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1go72c5H8

After retiring, a former Gunny Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job a s a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. 

He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
,The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence ... The rest of the year went smoothly.

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

Good One!!!

I didn't see that one coming....lol

After last weekends football playoffs i decided that I would request that my favorite team be my pallbearers. I want the KC Chiefs to let me down one more time.

1. A nursery school pupil aged 4 told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher screeched.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later......'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework..
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to continue.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant!"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.