Factory Joke Thread – October 2014

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.
Have fun....

~Angela

See also

Frequently Asked Questions

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:)

LS wrote:
bpaine wrote:

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

I like that one

Yeah, that's a good one.

--
Nuvi 2460

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Dreaming

So I had a dream that I was with my high school/Jr. High friends and we were trying to kill a Jason Vorhees-type killer that we knew was hiding in the back of an SUV with smoked glass windows in my parents driveway.
We found a couple big old tool chests what were full of gun parts and broken zip guns, and we were trying to piece together a weapon. Most of the ammo was bad, spent, or misfired; there were actually some bent rounds and there were a whole bunch of calibers. All of this was all mixed up with regular tools, bits of wire, etc.
We finally pieced together something that would shoot, but for some reason we had to go to some army shooting range to have it tested to make sure it was safe. Meanwhile the serial killer is in the driveway.
One of us (we all for some reason took turns) went to the army range to test the weapon, while all of us proceeded to dismantle the SUV piece-by-piece starting from the front (since he was in the back) so that there was no chance of the bullet getting blocked or slowed down by a piece of the car. We stripped off the quarter panels bumpers, engine, windshield, dashboard, etc. until there was nothing left but the back end with smoked windows which for some reason we still couldn't see inside of.
Since the gun was essentially a zip-gun and one shot, we had to try and decide exactly where through one of the windows we should shoot to kill him. Plus we all knew he was going to come rampaging out if we missed. (For some reason, he didn't know we were there?!!!)
I leveled the gun at the back window and picked a spot off center and angling diagonally through the rear to maximize my chances of hitting him. I just started to pull the trigger when BOOM! I woke up. My first thought was, "Dang! All that work wasted!"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Okay,’ says the vet. ‘Let’s have a look at him.’ So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, ‘I'm going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ asks the man. ‘No,’ replies the vet. ‘Because he’s really, really heavy.’

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ducks in heaven

Three guys are in a car accident and they all die. The first thing they notice when they get to heaven is that every square inch of the place is covered with ducks! St. Peter comes along and says, "Welcome to heaven! The stories you've heard are true, but there is one rule that we very strictly enforce: do NOT step on a duck. Should you ever step on a duck, the ugliest woman you could ever imagine will materialize, chained to your ankle for all eternity." The first guy doesn't even last a day before he steps on a duck, and sure enough the most grotesque woman he had ever seen appears, chained to his ankle. The second guy lasts for a couple months before getting careless, and he too winds up with a disgusting woman chained to his ankle. The third guy, however, has grown quite adept at avoiding the ducks. He goes on for a few eternities without ever stepping on one. Then, one day, he wakes up to find the most beautiful woman he's ever seen has been chained to his ankle! "After all these years, God has finally rewarded me for never stepping on a duck!", he thinks to himself. "But I'm curious, where exactly did you come from?"
The woman says, "Well, all I know is I stepped on one of those goddamned ducks..."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Turbulence

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane Who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Oklahoma stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped....

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

"The Stress Diet"

Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 piece whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch
4 oz. lean broiled chicken
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
Herb Tea

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 jar Hot Fudge

Dinner
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 large Mushroom and Pepperoni pizza
1 large pitcher of Root Beer
3 Milky Ways
Entire frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

Thanks!

Good stuff as always. Thanks!

Babysitting Teacher and the Parade

A teacher was babysitting one of her young boys in her apartment when her boyfriend dropped in.
The teacher and the boyfriend wanted to go to the bedroom but Johnny was there.
Suddenly the teacher had an idea. “Johnny, go look out the window and I’ll give you a nickel for every red hat you see.”
So, Johnny starts looking out the window. Soon he sees a red hat. “Teacher I see a red hat,” he said.
“Very good, Johnny. Keep looking,” came the voice from the bedroom.
Some time passes without Johnny saying anything. Suddenly, he yells excitedly, “Teacher. Oh, teacher.”
“What is it?” comes a muffled, slightly exasperated voice from the bedroom.
“Well, teacher, I just want you to know this is going to be the most expensive roll in the hay you ever had,” he said, “’Cause here comes a Shriners parade.”

The Tree Hugger...

While walking through A Park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' 'No, I'm not. Would you like to give it a try?' Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the neck and said, 'This ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake...'

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

A guilty neighbor

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . .

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My wife agreed to a threesome

My wife agreed to a threesome but with the condition that she gets to choose the girl. I told her that's OK but I already have them both picked out.

I expect to be out of the ICU soon.

--
Brent - DriveLuxe 51 LMT-S

The Potty.

It is so unusual to get a funny, non-political, non-sexist, non-racist and non-doomsday message that I wanted to make your day by sending it along! I know you'll enjoy it.

THE POTTY
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

ENJOY LIFE NOW....IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Tattoo

Did you hear about the guy that had a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?

Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captur

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.
Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to know.
The KGB finally comes for the Italian. The Englishman and the Frenchman wait for hours, wondering what has become of their friend. Finally, 12 hours later, the KGB dump a badly beaten Italian back in the cell. The Frenchman and Englishman both help him up, and ask him, "Why didn't you tell them, how did you hold out so long?"
The Italian replies, "I tried to tell them, I really did, but they wouldn't untie my hands!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Ok."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.
He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheeps."
The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are an auditor." "How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my DOG back?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!1

Good One!!1

--
Kingston, Tennessee

The gool old bear joke

A polar bear goes into a pub and says, "Can I have a gin and .
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tonic, please?"

The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"

The polar bear replies, "Don't know, I've always had them."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

The Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... She got fired too."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Husbands & Wives

Special Package for Businessmen

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives

asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides

to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

"Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone:

"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with

one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.

All the knives were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you

doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in

his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,

hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how

to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,

so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !--

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Rules & Laws Part 6

Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.

Wyszowski’s Law: No experiment is reproducible.

Fett’s Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Brooke’s Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

The first Myth of Management: It exists.

Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Peter’s Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Wiker’s Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

A Scot, an Englishman and an Irishman

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, you both go upstairs and make love all night."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

My girlfriend was standing nude...

in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw. She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now." To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Pistorius sentance

It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good one

good one!

Cat Tail

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off.

A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!"

I told her, "No, he's OK., except for the tail, and I'll fix that."

I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on.

The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket.

Boy, was I mad. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area.

The Long Cold Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Long Cold Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Three men were sitting together

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the table. The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What I leaned at Truck Driving school this week

If approached by a hooker at a truck stop or rest area and she has more than 3 teeth, she is probably a female undercover police offer on a sting operation.

Painting the Church

Ha, I'll have to pass that one on to my friend who is a pastor. He's always looking for a good clean preacher joke.

Dinner Party

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All through the meal my wife’s best friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.

Good One!!!!

Good One!!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Rules & Laws Part 7

Clarke’s First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Clarke’s Second Law: The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible.

Clarke’s Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

The important thing is never to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

Segal’s Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Hartley’s Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.

Beckhap’s Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Good One

Good One

But...

JebNY wrote:

Segal’s Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

A man with a stopped watch is right twice a day but a man with a running watch is rarely correct.

Hilarious

Hilarious

The Antares cargo ship blew up.

I wonder if there was a warped baffle-plate on the shield of its energy pile.

--
><> Glenn <>< Garmin nüvi 2598

Lol Hahahahah

Lol Hahahahah

--
Gattina11

BITCHES UNTIL THE END

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well.

I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually

approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences, and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told

our friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??”

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

The Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

Human speed camera

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

SAFE AT HOME

I tore out my alarm system took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer in my entire Life!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Safe at home

Funny. Wrong but still funny.

A lifelong dedicated union

A lifelong dedicated union man goes on a trip to Las Vegas, and taking advantage of the opportunity, heads out of town to visit one of Nevada's well known institutions. He stops at the first one.

"Is this a union shop?" he asks the madame.
"No, it isn't," she replies.
"Where does my $100 go?" he asks.
"$20 to the girl, $80 to me," she admits.
"Well, that just goes to show why you need a union. I'm taking my business elsewhere," the union man says.

He visits a second proprietorship. "Is this a union shop?" he asks the madame.
"No, it isn't," she replies.
"Where does my $100 go?" he asks.
"$25 to the girl, $75 to me," she admits.
"I can't tolerate that unfairness. I'm taking my business elsewhere," the union man says.

At the third facility, he asks the same question.
"Yes, this is a union shop," the madame says.
"Where does my $100 go?" he asks.
"$80 to the girl, $20 to me. Plus, the girls receive three weeks' vacation, health insurance, and retirement benefits."
"Now this is the kind of place that deserves my business," the union man says. He surveys the girls, laying eyes on an attractive 20 year old blonde. "I'd like an hour with her."
To which she replies, "You should know, sir, that we respect seniority here." Then, turning to a woman old enough to be the guy's grandmother, states "Sorry, Edna has priority."

Good One

Good One

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