Factory Joke Thread – September 2014

Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie--*poof*--you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says,

"I think...."--*poof*--

A man walks into a bar and starts to drink.

After he is pretty well sozzled, one of the bartenders starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal.

"But whatever you do, don't you touch my purple gorilla." he tells the now drunk customer.

He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.

As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the drunk, "Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla."

Through the door they walk down an immense hallway, so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the purple gorilla.

At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts.
Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender once more says, "Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch my purple gorilla. The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful pet.

With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a 12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he needs to get back to help at the bar.

The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal.
Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour
he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.

"A A A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
growled the monster as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the drunk's brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him. Running down
the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.

Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face getting way too close to him.

As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.

Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.

"Tag, you're It." it said.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the 'possum, coon, and armadillo it could be done.

Love it!

Good One!!!

Korman’s conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

Lennon’s Law: Life is what happens while you are making other plans.

Maugham’s Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.

Krueger’s Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley’s Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.

Harver’s Law: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Schmidt’s Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

Gibb’s Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he
put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck
pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told
him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get
his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were
close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex
this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied,
"No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

You have to hand it to short people.
They can't reach it anyway.

I like this one

Four senior golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.

Charlie carefully lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. Once all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "It's the least I can do. We WERE married for 43 years."

Cute

Cute

1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do

5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist

6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.

7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.

9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does

11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12. PARADOX
Two physicians

13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm

14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through

15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring

17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife

18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does

19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official

20. PARADIGMS
20 cents

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

It seems strange that I've never heard this one before. How refreshing for a "chicken crossing the road" joke.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

His mind begins to race. He remembers back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

It wasn't a politician?

Ha, never heard that version of the Chicken Joke before. Thanks!!!!!

Glad I could be able to lighten someones day.

Good One!!!

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ knickers and thongs."
The clerk looked up "Knicker Stitcher" on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in line and when asked his occupation, he replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts ‘em over his head and says: ‘Yep, dees'll fit 'er.’

How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin.

How about Constipated in Chinese? Hungchow.

Breaking news out of the Dallas Cowboys practice...

DALLAS COWBOYS football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

The coach immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.

After complete analysis experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE.

Practice resumed after it was decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.

The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"

Have you heard the one about the cross eyed teacher.
She had to quit because she could not control her pupils

A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons . . .
. . . so much so that everyone in the community came every service. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's birthday. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire their own stand-ins goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins sitting in the church taping the minister.
The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too, hired a stand-in who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 stand-in's in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

Someday, I want to build my house on an isthmus, so I can look off to my left and see one ocean, and look off to my right and see another one. The only thing is, I don't want the isthmus to be too narrow. I'm afraid someone would decide to build a canal right through my back yard. So I'm dreaming of a wide isthmus.

Two eggs a talking in a monastary. "I really don't like it here," says one.
"Why not?"
"Well, you know, it's always 'Out of the frying pan and into the friar'."

Awesome!

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them,

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy”.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?

Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having, he asked.

Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.

FORGET THE SHRINKS..HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!

A GREAT Classic!

Thanks!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not
American."

He finally sees a woman and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African woman checks her watch and says, "Probably at work .."

In a recent survey, commissioned by a leading soap and toiletries firm, NFL players have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

The results revealed that 86% of NFL players said that they have had sex in the shower.

The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye.

Good One!!!

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

This would be true at an Irish reception/wake.

IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally
challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

Excellent

Inventions by Idiots

1. Inflatable dart board.

2. A book on how to read.

3. Screen door on a submarine.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Iraq and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last and final escalation level.

https://screen.yahoo.com/ooh-child-073424870.html

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?