Factory Joke Thread – February 2026

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

(Charles H. Duell, Commissioner,
U.S. Office of Patents 1899)

I’m so glad that dry January is over. I was getting tired of drinking dry red and white wines!

Two blokes living in outback Australia saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen”.
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you do not have nobbly knees, so I need to see your knees as well”.

Once she has seen their knees she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape so I just need to see your testimonials”.

Five years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other “I reckon if we had just had a bit more education, we could have got that job”.

A bank robber runs into a bank, fires a shot into the ceiling and tells everyone to hit the floor. In all this his confusion and activity his face mask slips down.

He looks at the man on the floor closest to him and said did you see my face?

The man says yes, so he shoots him dead.

He looks at next man and asks did you see my face?

This man also says yes, and he also gets shot dead.

Then he looks at third man and asks did you see my face?

He quickly responds, no I didn't, but I'm pretty sure my wife did.

"Lazy."

...each of these made me chuckle out loud, even the actual quote.

I'm 0K now.

Riddle: A girl has as many brothers as sisters, but each brother has only half as many brothers as sisters. How many brothers and sisters are there in the family?
Answer: remove every odd letter in each word below

xfvodurrs tsridsstaedrfs qaknod etwhdrseae gburmohtghfeerfs

Not Me Lol

Harry and Barbara’s marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they heard about a marriage seminar being given in their neighborhood they decide to attend.

“One of the most important things in marriage”, said the speaker, “is to get to really know your spouse. For example,” continued the speaker, “How many of you know what’s your wife’s favorite type of flower?”

Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, “it’s Gold Medal All-purpose isn’t it?”

Barbara got up and walked out.

One sunday morning a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. "Yes" the girl says, "But i didn't have to go all the way round the back, there was a box near the front door that said," 'For the sick.'

If space is a vacuum, who changes the
bags?

but now I'm perfect.

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So, he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again, he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd race and again wins $770!

He keeps doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watching this race, because at 8:1 odd he can win $15,532,402!

They're off! Everybody is cheering an urging on the horse, who seems to slide back a bit, and comes in last! Everybody is so disappointed, but a truly exciting day.

The man goes home and his wife asks, "how'd he do at the truck." He answers:

"I lost $2."

I finally figured this out.

I'm not gonna reveal it. That wouldn't be fair. ????

and that gentlemen, is how you have a long and happy marriage...plausible deniability and admitting to the small mistake.

Yes

means not looking forward to the weekend.

It waves!

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house, having a bath when all of a sudden,

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trev says to Greg behind him, “s**t! My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Greg replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at the Shell Station repair shop. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So Trev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the Shell Station. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trev hurries back to BP, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Shell.

I don't know, and I don't care.

If you're ever chased by a taxidermist, don't play dead.