Factory Joke Thread - March 2012

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you freaking idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

WIFE: Honey, why are you sitting in the dark crying?

HUSBAND (through sobs): Do you remember 30 years ago when I told you to marry me so I wouldn't have to go to jail?

WIFE: Yes dear, I remember that very well! Why?

HUSBAND (crying uncontrollably now): Well, I would've gotten out today!

Happy Anniversary to ALL celebrating today!

No need to type your name, the address will suffice.

Be ready to cringe !

http://www.chaosinyourtown.com/

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

The last thing I remember...

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Trois garçons discutent:

- Mon papa il a des millions, il est millionnaire !

- Mon papa est plus riche, il a des milliards, il est milliardaire !!

- Eh ben le mien il est encore plus fort, il a des centimes !!!

Il est sentimental !!!!!!!

---

And for those who don't master the language of Moliere (don't worry, neither do I... I speak modern French )

Three little guys are talking about their father:

- My father's got Millions! He's a Millionnaire !

- And my father's even richer, he's got Billions !! He's a Billionaire !!

- Heck, my Father's the best of all, he's got Cents!!!

.
.
.
.
.
.

He's a Centimental !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice pun!

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table
as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received
his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait
until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to,"
the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's
at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's
house and she knows how to cook.

GROCERY LIST

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face,
walked into a grocery store.

She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if
he would let her charge a few groceries.

She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work,
they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave
his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I will bring you the
money just as soon as I can.'

John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a
charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation
between the two The customer walked forward and told the
grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.
The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, 'Do you have a
grocery list?'

Louise replied, 'Yes sir.' 'O.K' he said, 'put your grocery list on the
scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you
that amount in groceries.'

Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her
purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on
it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head
still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales
went down and stayed down..

The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said
begrudgingly, 'I can't believe it.'

The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the
other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he
continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would
hold no more.

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of
paper from the scales and looked at it with greater
amazement.

It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:

'Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.'

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had

Gathered and stood in stunned silence.

Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a
fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; 'It was worth every
penny of it. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.'

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "CHANGE" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling a little frisky and messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... Guy had no sense of humor!

who gets into a Taxi.......... He asks the Taxi Driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his Religion and, in the time of the Prophet, there was no Music, no Radio....... So the Taxi Driver turns off the Radio, stops the car and opens the back door. The Arab/Muslim person asks him: what are you doing? The Taxi Driver answers: So in the time of the Prophet there were no Taxis. Get out and wait for a Camel

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.. '

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend . What's the deal?”

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am . When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?'

And she said:…………….. 'Wear sun-block.'

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the loo. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

Good One!!!

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

- Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

- Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Two old geezers are sitting on park benches discussing their various aches and pains. The first old geezer was relating his latest visit to his doctor's office.
"After all the poking and prodding that he did, he still wanted a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample. And I was exhausted!"
"Oh,wow, that's tough! Were you able to give them everything they asked for?"
"Actually, everything turned out fine. I just gave them my underpants."

was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS.

... great one! They could have squeezed the 6 drops out of a stone, though

A termite walks into a pub and says "Where's the bar tender?"

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For goodness sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bulls#!t!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for crimeny sake! I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some jerk to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

And you jerks want to run our health care system?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah
did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

That joke is actually scary because there are people like that.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

After ten loyal years working at the local factory, Nigel and Trevor were laid off, so first thing Monday morning they made their way to the Job centre.
When asked his occupation, Nigel said, ‘I’m a panty stitcher. I sew the elastic into cotton knickers.’ The clerk looked up ‘panty stitcher’ and, finding it to be classed as unskilled labour, gave Nigel £100 a week benefit money.
Trevor then approached the counter and explained that he was a diesel fitter. As diesel fitting was considered to be a skilled occupation, Trevor was awarded £200 a week.
When Nigel learned how much his friend was being given he was furious, and went storming up to the clerk, demanding to know why his mate was collecting double his own pay. ‘It says on my list that diesel fitters are an intrinsic part of the skilled labour force,’ explained the clerk, patiently. ‘What skill?’ screamed Nigel. ‘I sew in the elastic, he pulls the knickers on and says, “Yup – diesel fitter!”

I don't understand the "occupy" participants. How could anyone get so angry, so involved, so worked up about anything - unless they're debating smartphones vs dedicated GPS units on POI Factory? -

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a CONGRESSMAN happened to appear. The CONGRESSMAN took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' He asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked the CONGRESSMAN.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

The CONGRESSMAN thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Good One,,,

The obvious answer would be the third. But if he died during the third trip, then he didn't make three trips around the world, but only two. He never completed the third. The question has no real correct answer.

For hours and hours getting lectured on how great things used to be in the old days, the young guy said to the old fart;
"Were you on the Ark, grandpa?”

He chuckled and replied, “Why, no I wasn’t.”

There was a pause and the youngster looked up at him quizzically and said;

“Then why weren’t you drowned?”

(Works best with a scouse accent)

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test range, he wrote

7.) It comes in 2 attractive containers.

He got an A.

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

I was fishing off a bridge with a friend last Saturday and a funeral procession comes down the road.

My buddy reels in his line, lays down his pole, faces the street and bows his head while the procession passes. Then he picks up his pole and starts fishing again.

I was a bit amazed and told him, "I didn't know you were that religious."

He says, "`twas the least I could do, after all we'd been married 32 years."

... that's a golf joke!

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID ..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

When you stop laughing, send this to those who will appreciate it.

Gotta love the old gals !!!!

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

"Doh" (or alternately, "D'oh!") has been accepted into the Oxford
English Dictionary, the definitive arbiter of English Language usage.
"D'oh!" is pronounced like an emphatic, chopped-off "Doe!" and its
origins apparently trace back to WWII-era radio shows in England. But
the current and certainly most common use is as an expression of
surprise, embarrassment and regret--- usually occasioned by an act of
utter stupidity--- by the cartoon character Homer Simpson. After 14
years on the air, that little bit of Simpson-speak has pervaded the
language enough to become enshrined in the OED. Honest!