This is the official POI Factory Joke thread. It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later...)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".
Reminded me of "who's On First" thanks.
Wait, doesn't that make me first on this "stream" for the second month in a row ? I must be getting good
EDIT: I stand corrected, I "missed out" last month, but I was on first the month before. The chance I have, of being in a very "early" time zone... Wanna visit Southern France ? Do let me know, that's where the Wrangler is parked.
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another humvee stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your humvee stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
You Know You're in a Redneck Church When...
...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
...People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
...The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
...Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
...A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
...The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
...In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.
...People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
...The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
...The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
...The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
...Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
...The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
...The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
..."Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dawgs, too.
...The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, heah"?
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'
The woman says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'
Sven says to Ole: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with Lena. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. "
"Well the joke's on them, because I wasn't even home yesterday"!'
Here's a "Factory Joke"..
Two factory workers are talking. One says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The second worker asks, "And how would you do that?"
The first worker replies with, "Just wait and see" as he hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The first worker replies back, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss ponders this for a second replying, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The second "Factory Worker" starts to follow, at which point the boss asks, "Where are you going?"
The second worker replies, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the "Factory" while it's dark."
There ya go. There's your "Factory Joke"!!
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
This is great - thanks for starting the day off with a good laugh.
I agree, it makes you wonder who thinks of these things!
A Conversation in Heaven.
Hi! Susan. How'd you die?
I froze to death.
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
So, what happened?
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter askedShe simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was
a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Always found this funny. It's a bit long to copy over, so I'll just post a link.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car...
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ..
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight .......
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!
The past, the
present and the
into a bar.
It was tense.
so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.
A Canadian Army Officer was about to start the morning briefing to all of his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Officer decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question; "How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Officer turned to the
Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded,
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."
The Officer seemed a little surprised and as you might guess, asked, "And why is that, soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir".
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Newfie.
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading
A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
60% said, 'Never again!'
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
- The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
- It reads WINDAS 2000 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.
- Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch'
- My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,'
- Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas',
- Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,'
- Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and....
- Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.
* Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.
* OK= do it I tell ya
* Cancel = ---- no
* Reset = dis is ya last chance
* Yes = a kay
* No = na
* Find = turn dis place ova
* Insert = stick it in dere
* Delete = rub it out
* Help = can I get some help here
* Stop = ya betta quit it
* Start = let's get a move on
* Settings = da Fix
* Programs = stuff
* Documents = stuff dat I already done
Also note that windas 2000 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to windas 2000:
- Secritary...........A word processor
- Pitcha maker.......a Graphics program
- Scratch paper......notepad
- Boom-box............CD player
- Da Web............Microsoft Explorer
- pitchas.............A graphics viewer
- IRS.................M/S accounting software
- IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
- Bookie.....Race track records tax records..usually an empty file
- graffiti...screen saver
- Red Light District....Internet connection
- Vinni's...... Discount computer repairs
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version
If in the morning you don't feel pain anywhere in your body then you are probably dead.
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!""What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. Suddenly, the atheist heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and saw a seven foot grizzly bear charging toward him. The atheist ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tripped and fell to the ground. Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear right on top of him, reaching toward him with its left paw and raising the right paw to strike... At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man,and a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to helpyou out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light. "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now. But perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" A pause... "Very well," said the voice. The light went out.The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right arm,brought both paws together,bowed his head and spoke... "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive."
THE BLONDE WHO HUNTED for
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of
one of the shopkeepers at her local shoe outlet
store, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to
catch an alligator. Later in the
day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist
deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimmingrapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond swung her shotgun around, took aim, shot
the creature and then hauled it up
onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly
up. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement as the blond struggled with the very large gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in
OOOHHH NO!!!!!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells theMechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it is
13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
14. For every idiot proof invention, they invent a better idiot.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for you spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work,
But misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
He found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
A big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
The cart and poured it over the little guy,
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
Answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him
The three things I would want... A great golf game,
All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
The woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,'
The little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
Golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
And pull out a 100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
And says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
A Catholic priest in a small parish.'
A retired man, went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir-- that's where the end of the line is right now."
What would you do?
Why is she looking at her father like that ? Is he dressed funny ? Or is it because he rinsed his board before placing it in the dishwasher ? I know my daughter never does that, and we often argue about it...
Take a second look at the "board"...
I would figure that is as worthwhile as using one to play solitaire or watch movies or take notes.
Take a second look at the "board"...
I have to admit that it took a second viewing for me to get it too. Well, I suppose this is supposed to demonstrate how versatile that device is.
I heard about this story in a news article prior to watching the video, so I had a bit of a heads-up. I would have needed a second (or third) viewing to find out what was going on in this clip.
Earl and Ethel are killed in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter invites them in. There, just inside the gates is the longest and largest buffet table that Earl had ever seen. St. Peter told him that he could eat as much and as long as he wanted but that he would never get full or tired of eating. Earl looked at Ethel and said, "If you hadn't kept making me eat your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago."
A couple of old gents were golfing one day, when one of the men mentioned
that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
'Is that so?' the first old gentleman asked. 'Did he do a good job?
The second gent replied, 'Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a
fellow on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at
least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.'
The first old guy was confused and asked, 'What does that have to do with
The second man answered, 'That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt.'
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'
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