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Factory Joke Thread - April 2012

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Have fun....
~Angela

See also

--
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- Somerset Maugham
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Sunday worship

The new pastor's sermon was only 5 minutes long on the first Sunday. The deacons told him that 5 minutes was not acceptable.
The second Sunday he preached for 10 minutes. The deacons made him promise to do better.
The third Sunday, when his sermon had gone on for an hour, the deacons were getting upset. He finally wrapped it up after two hours.
The deacons demanded an explanation at a meeting right after church. The pastor explained, "I had some teeth pulled the day before my first sermon and my new dentures were hurting me. I went back the following Saturday for a re-fit, but after a few minutes they hurt so bad I had to stop."
The deacons then asked why he preached so long on the third Sunday. He said, "I couldn't help it. I accidentally put in my wife's dentures. I was surprised that I was able to stop after two hours, 'cause she talks all day."

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Not All Of Us Seniors Are Senile

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know', said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

--
Nuvi 2555LMT,Nuvi 1490LMT, Nuvi 265WT, Nuvi 260, GPSMap76S. Captain Cook was a Yorkshireman too.

Grandpa reminises

Grandpa was reminiscing about his wife.
'Yes, she was a remarkable woman - extremely religious. When she woke up in the morning she would sing a hymn, then she would say a prayer, then sing another hymn and finish with another prayer. Then, after breakfast, she would say a prayer, sing a hymn, then say a prayer and sing another hymn, and that's how it went on all day - praying, singing, singing and praying. Then as darkness fell, she'd climb into bed, say her prayers, sing a hymn and say her prayers again. And then, one morning, she was dead.'

'What happened?'

'I strangled her.'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Korean tourist

a Korean comes to this country for the first time he's walking down the street when he sees a hot-dog van "yum yum" he says. He approaches the vendor and looks inside and shouts "firthy Engrish even we don't eat that part"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I would like...

to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Slow joke, for a slow night

An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, "Hey, down here." The bartender looked down and saw a snail.

"Hey," the snail asked, "How about a drink?"

The angry bartender snarled, "First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails." And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.

A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.

"You know," the snail said, "you didn't have to kick me."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

The bartender asks the guy

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.

--
. Nuvi 2460LMT, Zumo 550, Garmin preloaded into my Jeep, Beltronics Pro 500 radar detector with GPS built in, includes RLC info. Uconnect 430N (Garmin) built into my Jeep. .

It all started because of $5.37

$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me."Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror..

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a$300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

A Mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

A Fairy Tale Written by a Man

Once upon a time, a Handsome Prince asked a Beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"

And the Handsome Prince lived happily ever after,
and rode motorcycles,
and banged skinny long-legged big-breasted chicks,
and hunted and fished,
and raced cars.

He went to nudie bars,
and dated women half his age,
and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan,
and never heard bitching,
and never paid child support or alimony,
and banged cheerleaders.

He kept his castle and guns,
and ate spam and potato chips and beans whenever he wanted,
and blew enormous farts,
and never got cheated on while he was at work.

All his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell,
and he had tons of money in the bank,
and left the toilet seat up all the time.

And he lived, of course, very happily ever after.

THE END.
(Don't worry, ladies: I said right at the top it was a fairy tale!)

--
Winston Churchill said, “Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing, after exhausting all other possibilities.”

Hunting Joke

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

--
Nuvi 2555LMT,Nuvi 1490LMT, Nuvi 265WT, Nuvi 260, GPSMap76S. Captain Cook was a Yorkshireman too.

An Irish couple...

took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

A rose is a rose

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and
after eating, the wives left the table and went into the
kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last
night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really
great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is
the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You
know... the one that's red and has thorns"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of
that restaurant we went to last night?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The maid

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and
demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner
party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has
right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but
needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward.
She agrees to go and be trained.

Well, the dinner party comes and goes and works out just
fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's
walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the
guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just
standing there.

Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder.
There on the bed lies a condom.

The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why
Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't
you?"

Molly: "Shurin we do madam, but we don't skin em."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Alabama birth control

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So
the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home,
get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb
in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,
2, 3,4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Thanks

Timantide wrote:

...This procedure also works in Tennessee

I like that one!

80 year old person gets

80 year old person gets stopped for speeding.

Cop asks - why are you speeding

Motorist says - I had to or else I will forget where I am going.

Three legged pig

A man is travelling across the country and comes upon a pig with a
wooden leg.

This rouses his curiousity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks
"How'd your pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I
got trapped under my tractor. My little fella ran on over to the
neighbours and somehow got them to come on over and free me from under
it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveller, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a
wooden leg?"

The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvellous pig.
Another time, the house set fire and I was trapped inside, unconcious.
This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames, grabbed my arm in his
mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life
AGAIN!"

The traveller, mystified, replied "That is a wonderous thing,
but...how'd the pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you...one time I fell in the
pond, and not knowing how to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful
creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then gave me mouth to
mouth resucitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveller, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow,
but..how'd he get the wooden leg?!"

The farmer replied, "A marvellous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A
pig like that, you just can't eat a pig like that.

At least not all at once"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The wandering dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his
collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the
couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next
day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an
hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his
collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He
lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his
sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Agreed.

That was a good one.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteAlAzar.asp?#ixzz1rYyCFY65

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

How ungrateful can women be!!!!!!

BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE"
SHE SHOUTS BACK " YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "

--
Nuvi 765T.

Got to love a Good Nurse‏

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told
him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide
strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at
all.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon....from
the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

A polite way to call someone a Ba$+ard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation -- and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

The blonde and the hairdresser

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and
asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones
o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy
for the work.

Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another
haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch
the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give
her another good cut, considering the restraint.

Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't
touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was
finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the
headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the
shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser.
She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the
strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe
out."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Prostate Problem

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room.
While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in
and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Just like MOM

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten
married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the
perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits
you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I
bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I
keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just
like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your
Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom.
My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

reflective picture

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's
stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was,
he remarked, "How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture", but on the way home remembered that his wife,
Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at
it.

The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion. One
day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin' around with."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

post office job

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy he's hired, then informs him, "The hours
are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in
for that."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

In the Eyes of the Beholder

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of
execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner
is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up
the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband,
bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and
screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Best speeding excuse

When asked by a young patrol officer
"Do You know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:
"Yes , but ..... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Makes perfectly good sense to me.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

At a divorce court a family

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.

The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?”

The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. "

The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!

The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."

The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"

The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

The Titanic

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Shame!

kurzemnieks wrote:

.... The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Disturbingly ... funny.

The Immaculate Conception

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a
twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the
nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says, "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh ... well, I guess that goes to show, that even
if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies
are black."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His
wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the
wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean,
no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is
yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with
a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is
prettier says the wife.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

--
Nuvi 2555LMT,Nuvi 1490LMT, Nuvi 265WT, Nuvi 260, GPSMap76S. Captain Cook was a Yorkshireman too.

The Perks Of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Hunting Tales - watch what yer sayin' !

Two men go hunting in the woods. After an hour or so, one of the men suddenly collapses.

The second man grabs his phone and dials the emergency services. “I need an ambulance. My friend has collapsed and is motionless on the ground.”

The operator tells him, “OK Sir. Just keep calm. The first thing you need to do is make sure he isn’t breathing.”

Just then the operator hears the phone being dropped and the sound of a gunshot.

After a few seconds the second hunter returns to the line and says, “OK. Now what?”

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Float Alone

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts
sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim
so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his
lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul
toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you
suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door
and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is
golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's
gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She
calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your
saxophone last night!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Quote of the day...

"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what Mitt Romney does with his money than by what Barack Obama does with mine."

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Golden Saloon

I've got buddy who's a jazz saxophone player. He'll get a kick out of that one. LOL Thanks.

good one

drtrask wrote:

"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged by what Mitt Romney does with his money than by what Barack Obama does with mine."

I posted it on Facebook

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Wal-Mart Shopping Trip

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband snorts: "'So does a case of 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the price."

On the PA system: "'Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down."

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2014.30 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

A Letter To Husband

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the
game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing.
Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised
me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with
your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Head Hog

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can
I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said,
"I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at
the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may
refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer
that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving
$100,000 to the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think
the big fat pig just walked in!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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