Factory Joke Thread - February 2012

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, ......she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a freakin' wall."

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm,
revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, a drunk wearing owl-like glasses slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will stand a lady another drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replied:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanked his mother and went to double-check her answer with his father.
'Dad, why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looked at his son in surprise and said:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring And Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer And the Number One Country & Western song is..
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.
LOL!!!!!!!!! Go ahead and admit it. These are funny!!!!

I've made a small fortune and you squandered it all
You shamed me till I feel about one inch tall
But I thought I loved you and I hoped you would change
So I gritted my teeth and didn't com- plain
Now you come to me; with a simple good- bye
You tell me you're leavin' but you don't tell me why
Now we're here at the station and you're getting on
And all I can think of ... is ...
Thank God and Greyhound, you're gone.

That song has been around along time.

So was Roy Clark.

So have most of us that can remember Roy Clark.

We attended his show in Branson a few years ago. He plays Malaguena better than anyone else.

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

..............................................................................................

..............................................I'm still looking for a place to live!

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. This went on over and over.

Finally the man said...

" Are you ok?"

"I am sorry I have a medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man asked, "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded....... "Pepper."

Good One!!!!

Did you watch the TV on Sunday night and see all the muscled guys running after the leather bag full of air?

And that was just the halftime show.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, sohe fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn'tbeen there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deepend.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Mick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Sky News : 'British Spy Found Murdered Near MI6 HQ'.

This is BS, according to my sat nav that postcode doesn't even exist.

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husbandto describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E,F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks.....
"What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely..
What aboutI, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairlyoptimistic about saving his testicles.

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
'it's Thursday..' And the third man chimed in,
'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Ha, this one cracked me up.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

A newly married couple struggled to make ends meet and tried to trim the household budget whenever possible.

Instead of having a dress dry-cleaned, the young woman washed it by hand.

Proud of her savings, she boasted to her husband, "Just think, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"That's great," her husband replied. "Try washing it again!"

"Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes".

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a bum.

When asked how much money he wanted, the bum whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the other two applicants?" the interviewer asked.

The bum replied, "If NASA gives me $3 million, I will give you $1 million, I will keep $1 million for myself, and we will send the engineer."

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Letter from an Alabama FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches', which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

I responded "Maybe"

Good one

When I was growing up, mean kids would put cream and cherries on my head. It was hard growing up in the gateau.

- What is the preferred way to serve a drink on an Italian cruise ship?
... On the rocks!
- What vegetables do they serve on an Italian cruise ship?
... Leeks!
- What is the most common dance in the night club of an Italian cruise ship?
... Rock 'n Roll
- What is the quickest way to leave an Italian cruise ship?
... Follow the captain!

...In The Beginning Was The Plan...

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Shop.

And they spake among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Shop Steward went unto the Foreman and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Foreman went unto the Production Manager, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and its fragrance is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the Production Manager went unto the Shop Supervisor, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and all who draw near to it are overcome by its strength."

And the Shop Supervisor spake amongst the Management staff, and they said one unto the other, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Management staff went to the Management Executive, saying unto him, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Management Executive went unto the shareholders, and said unto them, "This new Plan will promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects to be felt by the shareholders!"

And the Shareholders looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

Very Good

Two men go hunting in the woods. After an hour or so, one of the men suddenly collapses.

The second man grabs his phone and dials the emergency services.

“I need an ambulance. My friend has collapsed and is motionless on the ground.”

The operator tells him,

“OK Sir. Just keep calm. The first thing you need to do is make sure he isn’t breathing.”

Just then the operator hears the phone being dropped and the sound of a gunshot.

After a few seconds the second hunter returns to the line and says, “OK. Now what?”

Was funny

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with just one hand.

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger am I gonna get?"

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp .....
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater, start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

That was funny wonder if I could put thaat on my phone.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!

It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

Problem Solved!!!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

Feel better?
GOOD!

NB: You can put any name on the file you like. I simply listed my preference!

I liked this one gave me a early morning chuckle.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

Mother asks little Johnny, as they are waiting for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get on the bus the driver asks him how old he was. "I am 4 years old." "And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver. "When I get off the bus." answers Johnny.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, ......she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a dang wall."

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing that was missing was a great quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and the Canadian and European Leagues,
but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone... "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads...
"I've won one of the greatest sporting events in the world and I'm
here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady finally pauses, and then tearfully says.... "I will never
forgive you for making us move to Detroit ."

A tough looking group of bikers were riding
when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,
so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".
The authorities think she may have been pushed.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's Only $1,500! Can I buy it?"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like."

"Thanks Sweetie. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2012 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else... It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the downpayment."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"

"Bye. I love you too."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and calls out:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"