Factory Joke Thread - January 2012

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

.....
Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

.....
One more
....
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"... Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.

"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"

"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends.

On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,

"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative."

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says,

"Liver alone......cheese mine."

And she was !

I called somebody an 'Indian giver' recently.

They were really offended so I had to take it back.

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

Where you wanna go on vacation?" he asked.

"Latitude:N 47° 31' .807 by Longitude:W 53° 32' 955" she said.

"Have fun without me." he said smartly.

"Oh, I will" she said with a side glance and a knowing smile...

I don't get it.

Duh, Never mind. Was looking at E 53° 32' 955 and found the Caspian sea

Maybe she would have had company if she wanted to go here 40.038643 -76.107557 instead

The husband may want to go here

49.099105,-105.167155

Good One!!

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox.

The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.

Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

BAWK!

HAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

Do You know the difference?

At one time or another, we’ve all heard people talk about having or not having the guts or people having or not having the balls to do or say something. But do you really know the difference between the two?

Well, in an effort to clarify the difference for you and to keep you well informed, you’ll find the definition below…

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask….. “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, wreaking of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say…..”You’re next!”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the out come, since they both ultimately result in death.

Little Johnny was asked by the teacher to use the word BENIGN in a sentence. Johnny said - and I quote, " I'd rate my teacher an eight; if she undid two more buttons on her blouse she'd benign!"

ML

After his retirement Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian liner when an Italian journalist asked him why the British Prime Minister chose to cruise on an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship,” said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed; second their service is superb, and finally; in case of an emergency there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.”

Dick Cavett used to have a late nit show, and he took questions from the audience on 3 x 5 cards, one of the cards said "how do you keep an idiot busy, over" turned the card over it read "how do you keep and idiot busy, over" he did it about 6 times before he realized what was going on.

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note.....romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister bought a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me
and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love,

John

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

DINNER PLANS

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where to meet for dinner. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses have low-cut blouses and nice breasts.
Ten years later, at 50, the group again discuss where to meet for dinner. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the food is very good and the wine selection is fantastic.
Ten years later, at 60, the group again discuss where to meet for dinner. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because it is quiet.
Ten years later, at 70, the group again discuss where to meet for dinner. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because it has wheelchair access.
Ten years later, at 80, the group again discuss where to meet for dinner. They agree on the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because none of them have ever been there before.

Funny

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time..
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu**ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds:
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68.......

I will never forget my childhood summers when we would climb inside truck tyres and roll down hills... they were goodyears!

A couple having sex is a twosome.
Three people having sex is a threesome.
Four people having sex is a foursome.
Now I know why they call you handsome.

Pet Owner: "Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner."

Veterinarian: "That's perfectly normal, he's a Boxer."

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your butt is disconnected!

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one single question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she is wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eye, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out .. and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of Winter."

Good One!!!

One day, a blond gal decided to get a make-over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the shepherd over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the shepherd. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, I get to take one home", said the woman. "Sure.", said the shepherd. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right, go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

This surely stopped the jokes from coming.

Or here.... 36.860326,-101.214166

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

Well, Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four 'leaks' behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!"

'No,' I replied, "I'm just a terrible golfer."

The cylinder head bolts on my car's engine were threatening to kill themselves.

I ended up torquing them down...

A Marine walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender says, "That's different."

The frog says, "I know. This morning it was just a pimple on my butt!"