Factory Joke Thread - January 2012

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible", he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it".

The blonde says, "Don't worry".

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says: "Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Good One!!!

First Joke of the Year 2012 on POI factory, may I offer it to someone ?

I'm sure she knows I'm talking about her

Lol! I'm impressed!

Thanks,

Angela

Gong tomorrow

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,

"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,

"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,

"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,

"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,

"I can't take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
- John Adams

If Con is the opposite of Pro, What is the opposite of progress?

If you are driving at the speed of light, what happens when you switch on your headlights ?

All of your relatives suddenly appear in the car.

If you are driving at the speed of light, what happens when you switch on your headlights ?

The light doesn't shine forward, but if the car in front of you is traveling at the speed of light, too, it isn't as close as it looks, so it doesn't matter.

Just use your gps.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine.

I didn't know you needed top be retired to do that. LOL

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s Teacher Man.

“I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.”

My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

- The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
- It reads WINDAS 2000 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.
- Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch'
- My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,'
- Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas',
- Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,'
- Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk', and....
- Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.

OTHER FEATURES:

* Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.
* OK = do it I tell ya
* Cancel = ---- no
* Reset = dis is ya last chance
* Yes = a kay
* No = na
* Find = turn dis place ova
* Insert = stick it in dere
* Delete = rub it out
* Help = can I get some help here
* Stop = ya betta quit it
* Start = let's get a move on
* Settings = da Fix
* Programs = stuff
* Documents = stuff dat I already done

Also note that windas 2000 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to windas 2000:

- Secritary............A word processor
- Pitcha maker.........A Graphics program
- Numbers..............Calculator
- Scratch paper........Notepad
- Boom-box.............CD player
- Da Web...............Microsoft Explorer
- pitchas..............A graphics viewer
- IRS..................M/S accounting software
- IRS2.................M/S accounting software with hidden files
- Bookie...............Race track records tax records.. usually an empty file
- graffiti.............Screen saver
- Red Light District...Internet connection
- Vinni's..............Discount computer repairs

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... The first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

.

.

.

.

I told you... To be expected....

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"

Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, "Wait Please."

To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.

1. “If my heart were a baked potato, I’d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.”

2. “Your terrible personality isn’t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it’s not as terrible as everyone says.”

3. “I’d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.”

4. “I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.”

5. “The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, “I’m the same way when you don’t call when you say you will.”

6. “I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn’t run screaming. So there.”

7. “Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.”

8. “Umm… like… you and me? Yeah. You and me.”

9. “You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.”

10. “You are the hole in my donut.”

11. “I am the pork, you are the beans.”

12. “You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.”

13. “You are my personal parachute.”

14. “If you were a margarita, I’d drink you by the bucket.”

15. “I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.”

16. “If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I’d lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.”

17. “I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.”

18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”

19. “You had me at ‘Stop following me’.”

20. “Your farts smell like vanilla.”

21. “We’re a two person chain gang.”

22. ““I am valedictorian of the University of You.”

23. “If you needed a kidney transplant, I’d also throw in a bonus lung.”

24. “The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.”

25. “You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.”

26. “While you’re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.”

27. “You suck! So good.”

28. “If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I’d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.”

29. “When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That’s like you.”

30. “We are totally codependent and I don’t want it any other way.”

31. “This is the “happily ever after” part of the damn fairy tale, dig?”

32. “If you were a handful of genital crabs, I’d never change my underwear.”

33. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t see other people. I’m just saying I’ll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.”

34. “I am your blank check. Don’t bounce me.”

35. “Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.”

36. “If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, I’d feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.”

37. “If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then I’d be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.”

38. “You’re such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let’s forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.”

39. “If I was smart, I’d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.”

40. “Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper… I’d also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.”

41. I wrote you a poem: “You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you’re the hottest babe in sight/ Come home with me so I don’t get in a fight/ I agree with what you said: you are always right.”

42. “I’m a grown up and just face the facts that you’re my security blanket.”

43. “You don’t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Let’s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.”

44. “Not only would I die for you, I’d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.”

45.“Look: you’re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I’ll clean my shotgun.”

46. “I’m a junky for your instant messages.”

47. “I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn’t that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.”

48. “You’re my best and only naked friend.”

49. “I’d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.”

50. “Let’s set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow… wasn’t that just like lame movie Reality Bites? You’ve never seen it? It’s awesome… in a totally stupid way.”

Over dinner one night...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: (sighs) "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: (rolls eyes) "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
HUSBAND: (pause) "Cr*p!"

...and that's when the fight started!

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber

he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside

his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in

years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
there is an explanation,, as told by a Newfoundlander!!!!!!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
End of story

I LOL'D

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Men can avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins ,remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

This guy has a wife who got hooked on health foods and she made him eat all sorts of macrobiotic "healthy" food. Boring but healthy. The diet did well and they both lived on into their eighties. Until, one day, they both died in a car crash and ended up at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter warmly welcomed them and showed them to their new house, a beautifully furnished apartment with marble floors, and every convenience imaginable. "How much is the rent?" asked the old man. "Zero! It's free! Welcome to heaven!" said Saint Peter.

Then they looked out the window and saw the most beautiful golf course. Saint Peter said, "The championship golf course you're looking at is changed every week to match one of the ten best golf courses in the world. And your new set of Honma Custom Clubs is right there in the closet waiting for you." "How much are the greens fees?" the old guy asked. "Everything here is free! You're in paradise now!"

Then they walked over to the clubhouse and beheld the most lucious spread of foods from all around the world right there for the taking. "..And before you ask" said Peter "everything here is free as well. Eat any food you desire. Take as much as you like. You'll never get sick and you'll never gain weight!"

Astonished, the old man turned to his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years sooner!"

Fun!!

We all know there is strife in the joke thread today.

As of right now I am not deleting anything.

Yes, I was aware of the potentially inflammatory joke that was posted yesterday.

Being a new moderator to this site I spoke with JM about it and asked how this was handled in the past.

We looked at a an example of how the community policed itself back into a more harmonious state in October.

It was suggested I give the community a chance to do that again for itself.

That was last night.

As many of you know we are in the Mountain time zone and lots of you are up and at this a lot earlier than we are so by the time I checked the forums this morning, the strife has gone beyond what I understand as customary.

So, I will leave the post up for now just so people can see how it played out.

~Angela

Muhahahaha

She informed me that I must begin eating more natural
foods ...

Today, the news reports, more people are dying from
natural causes.

Where I've been............

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I think I'd like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

A man is stumbling totally drunk through the woods when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher is almost overcome by the smell of booze, so he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."
The preacher dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
At this point the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk again, but holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in???!!!"

...please feel free to delete it!

My intention was not to fuffle any feathers or cause you any work.

I must admit that I did not know there were so many IRS supporters! LOL

Ron

The difficult thing with moderating the joke thread is that jokes are often a way for individuals to express discontent with their government. I cannot and don't care to try to control how people feel about their government.

So how do I moderate the joke thread? Mostly my concern is in the responses. If a person doesn't respond to a joke there is no debate.

In this situation I offered a reminder that we are all adults here and should police our own behaviors.

As might be expected, a few people felt the need to retort but for the most part I think we all took a step back and remembered for a moment, this is a joke thread on a GPS oriented site, not a caucus or a primary.

We all have plenty of other areas in our life to discuss our political views. Please use those other options.

~Angela

P.s. If any of you chose to take issue with this post please feel free to message me privately and I would be happy to discuss my decision further with you. If you chose to continue this argument you will be subject to disciplinary action as stated in our forum rules.

http://www.poi-factory.com/node/28855

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa

A great one!

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home andAdmitted her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast,And set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flowergarden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt Sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up tocatchHer and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem" "What is it Ma?" "They won't let me fart."

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!
1.This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I bet you cannot resist passing it on..

This is my neighbor.....

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my family room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

These are great no matter WHAT age you are!!!!!!

Seniors who are in step with the latest technologies now have their own codes.

The kids have all their texting codes, like

BFF (best friends forever)

LOL (laughing out loud)

So why not some codes for seniors (60 and over):

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLCGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing. Can't get Up!

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTF - Wet the Floor

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where're the Prunes?

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

DTAF - Don't Trust A Fart

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try.

She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him,
so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and
I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady
came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"

Texting For Seniors was pretty funny. Thanks.

Good One!!

Q: What is the difference between a man who is buying a lottery ticket and a man who is arguing with his wife?
A: Lottery ticket buyer has still some chances to win!!

Alternative meanings, from The Washington Post

1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

Sounds like a cool april fool's joke... or just a bad hair day?

A couple were watching a romantic movie on the tube when the woman wistfully asked, "Why don't they make a movie about what happens after the first big kiss?

The man answers, "They do. It's called porn..."