Factory Joke Thread - December 2011

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread. It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

JM

See also

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Employees........

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

joke

Now that was funny!

--
Dudlee

Cute dental hygienist . . .

My dental hygienist is cute.

Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

What is the difference between ?

What is the difference between a politician and a prostitute?

One will kiss you while you are getting screwed smile

--
"Ceterum autem censeo, Carthaginem esse delendam" “When governments fear the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny.”

The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
- Jay Leno

A blonde joke, even if I don't believe in them ?

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

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OK, I guess all Blondes now feel avenged. That was the goal smile

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Jay was close.

JebNY wrote:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
- Jay Leno

Not so. Teach him to fish and he will leave home to go drink beer on his boat on weekends.

Good One

Thanks.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Not fishing....

Build a man a fire and you will keep him warm for an evening. Set him on fire and you can keep him warm for the rest of his life.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Slinky

Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

:-)

thrak wrote:

Some people are like Slinkies -- not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

I like that!

I was looking at my GPS and....

...I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

Ethnic Joke

How does every ethnic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder...

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

and...

spera wrote:

How does every ethnic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder...

Same for blonde jokes!

Two Old Drunks

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

In the beginning

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Good Lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when hesaw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he orderedhis driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Whyare you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor manreplied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me tomy house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wifeand two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bringthem along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You may come with us, also."The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, Ialso have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," thelawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for acar as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poorfellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank youfor taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such athing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you????

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

I said I was avenging them, remember ?

jale wrote:
spera wrote:

How does every ethnic joke start?

By looking over your shoulder...

Same for blonde jokes!

I would NEVER intend to hurt or offend them, there's that one blonde who's been making my life more than Fantastic for over thirteen years...

In fact, the only people I dislike, are those who try and hurt other people's feeling. For those, I have a passion - and they sure don't enjoy it wink

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Learn from the Mistakes of Others

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Sam Levenson

O.M.G., I'm rich!

I finally did it!

Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Beer

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

KENTUCKY BARTENDER...

A man walked into a bar in Lexington , Kentucky and ordered a drink.
While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Obama’s political ads came on.
After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, “Obama is a horse’s ass!”
The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth,
knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender,
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was Obama country.”
“It’s not!” replied the bartender. “This is horse country!”

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Military Rules (from an old Marine)

Marine Corps Rules:

01.  Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
02.  Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
03.  Have a plan.
04.  Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
05.  Be polite.  Be professional.  But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
06.  Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
07.  Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.  Ammo is cheap.  Life is  expensive.
08.  Move away from your attacker.  Distance is your friend (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
09.  Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10.  Flank your adversary when possible.  Protect yours.
11.  Always cheat; always win.  The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12.  In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.  They will only remember who lived.
13.  If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.  

 Navy SEAL Rules:

1.  Look very cool in sunglasses.
2.  Kill every living thing within view.
3.  Adjust Speedo.
4.  Check hair in mirror.  

 US Army Rangers Rules: 

1.  Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2.  Locate individuals requiring killing.
3.  Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4.  Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5.   Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.  

US Army Rules:

1.  Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2.  Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3.  Curse bitterly.
4.  Curse bitterly.
5.  Do not listen to 2nd LTs.; it can get you killed.
6. Call in air strike on suspected targets.
7. Curse bitterly. 

US Air Force Rules:  

01.  Have a cocktail.  
02.  Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.  
03.  See what's on HBO.  
04.  Ask 'What is a gunfight?'  
05.  Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
06.  Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.  
07.  Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.  
08.  Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.  
09.  Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10.  Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough  to have tax exemption.   

 US Navy Rules: 
1.  Go to Sea.
2.  Drink Coffee.
3.  Deploy Marines  

--
Nuvi 3790T w. Lifetime Maps/Macintosh OS Lion/iPhone 4/iPad 1

Alzheimer's Test

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

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Answers Below
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Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

Have you made your Christmas cake yet?...

if not here is a useful recipe that I hope will help you with your Christmas cake and celebrations.

You may have already seen this but it is worth seeing again as we all get stressed out!!!!

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE.
(a British tradition)

Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try
another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix
on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some
fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Go to Bakery and buy cake.
Bingle Jells!

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10...........Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9...........Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8...........Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7..........Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6.........Some people are like a Slinky ...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5............Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4.........All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3.........Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2.........In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought.........Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long."

Shopping

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop.

The Lie Detector Robot...

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school Dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says.
"What dvd?" asks the father.
"Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs: "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Caught red-handed

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

My wife, a blonde...

liked this one !!!!

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

SOTW

jmkthird wrote:

A man walked into a bar in Lexington , Kentucky and ordered a drink.
While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Obama’s political ads came on.
After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, “Obama is a horse’s ass!”
The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth,
knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender,
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was Obama country.”
“It’s not!” replied the bartender. “This is horse country!”

Smile of the week!!!

Be Careful during the Holidays

During this holiday season, please be careful and take good care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of all traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink Evian bottled water, Starbucks coffee, Cokes, Red Bull energy drinks, Motts apple juice, and shit like that.

Therefore, you should beware of those who DON'T drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is being sent to you by someone who cares about you and worries about your safety.

Have a happy holiday.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

A lot of packages get lost

A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama.

Craig Ferguson

--
It's these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes Nothing remains quite the same With all of our running and all of our cunning If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

A woman goes into Cabala's

A woman goes into Cabala's to buy a rod and reel for her husband’s birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Monday Program: Learn Chinese

We'll make it easy on the first lesson - only some basics

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Costco shopping

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms..

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Darwin Awards 2011

It's with great pleasure that I announce..... it's that time again.....The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid ways. You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive! Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The nominees were:

Semifinalist #1:

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both he and his sister.

Semifinalist #2:

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3:

A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4:

A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized, but lived.

Semifinalist #5:

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers.

And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously; THE 2011 WINNER:

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground. Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

A touching Christmas Story

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, "Baby it'll be yours one day"?

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.

Trying to be impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Confucius Quotes

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Indiana Jones

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're screwed!"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Great Flight Attendant

What's the difference between a good FA and a great FA?

A good FA greets me in the hotel lobby with a wink, a
smile, a hug and a kiss ... and says, "Good morning
Captain, how do you like your coffee?"

A great FA wakes me up with a wink, a smile, a hug and
a kiss ... and says, "It's morning Captain, how do you
like your coffee?"

--
I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.

How is a Great Woman is Like a Great Fruitcake?

Sweet, savory, spicy, a bit dark and mysterious, a
little bit nutty, intoxicating and incredibly moist.

--
I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.

Late at School again...

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox.

The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.

Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Tips for the Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' DALLAS COWBOYS'!

And they say blondes are dumb....
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A couple is lying in bed.

The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world..'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you........
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
--------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy..
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe...
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)
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