This is the new official POI Factory Joke thread. It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband of 62 years, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"... Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"... She replies, "It's me,... talking to the wine."
I'll buy that
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid
a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that
she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the
passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you
can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son Ryan
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over
at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are
worse things in life than a report card that's in my center
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home...
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?',I put ... '12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads,unemployable idiots, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 140,000 peoplein our 133 penal establishments in California, leftovers from Katrina,half of Mexico, much of the Congress & staff, most of the Senate and aMuslim President!' ... Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .. .. You comma empty handed?"
This thread is a good idea. Good job
First year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his
finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly thereafter, a story in the L.A. Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The State, a local newspaper in Jackson, Mississippi, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Meridian,ms Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone wireless..
Just makes you proud to be from or live in Mississippi!
I'll need to get me some more ink.
Copy, paste, print
I bought a canoe recently and took it out on the water. It was freezing cold so I lit a small fire to warm myself up. The fire burnt a hole in the canoe and it sank.
Just goes to prove, you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired, a bit heavy around the paunch and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
The gypsy fortune teller gazed at her Tarot cards and delivered the bad news: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's just no easy way to say this: prepare to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent, horrible death within the year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths, composed herself and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h.. He says to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he puts on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are five old ladies in the vehicle - two in the front seat and three in the back - all but the driver are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?", say the surprised driver. "No, sir. I was doing the speed limit exactly - 22 miles an hour," the old woman says a bit proudly.
The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I let you go, Ma'am,", says the officer, "I have to ask: Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," says the officer.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer," replied the driver. "We just got off Highway 189."
Love these alsmost spoonerisms...
While you guys are sweltering from the heat ...
I am going on another cruise on a cool ship.
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP…
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE… NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS
AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson &
The mom went straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson and Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week
went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways".
Mom took out her weekly magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: Three times a
day, seven days a week, both ways."
Love that joke!
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No way, the steaks are too high."
The Deer Hunt
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings
2:00 am - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am - Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am - Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am - Set up camp
6:05 am - Head for the woods
6:06 am - See eight deer
6:07 am - Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am - CLICK
8:00 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am - Head back to camp
12:00 NOON - Fire gun for help--eat wild berries
12:15 pm - Run out of bullets--eight deer come back
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm - Rescued
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm - Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm - Load gun--Leave camp again
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm - Load gun
6:02 pm - Fire gun
6:03 pm - One dead pick-up
6:05 pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm - Fall into fire
6:10 pm - Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm - Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm - Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block
6:26 pm - Start walking
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm - Meet bear
6:36 pm - Take aim
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud
6:38 pm - Mess pants
6:39 pm - Climb tree
9:00 pm - Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight - Home at last
[Note - Copyright Paul Auger]
This is so like him as well, try reading "They Shoot Canoes, Don't They ?" with a straight face...
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
Stay cool everybody!
I like the joke thread. you guys r funny!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied,"Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for
one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK –
A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by President Obama – It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Waiting for the August one...
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