POI Factory Joke Thread - August 2011

 

This is the new official POI Factory Joke thread. It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

Miss POI

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PERFECT HUSBAND Several men

PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room at the golf club. A mobile phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at Bluewater and I've found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $2,500. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership on the way here
and saw the new 2011 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much ?'

WOMAN: '$185,000’

MAN: 'OK, but for that price please make sure you haggle for all the
optional extras.'

WOMAN: 'Great ! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $3,750,000.

MAN: 'Well, if you still like it that much, why not make an offer of
$3.7mill. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if you think it's worth it.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"…

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

Dear God

Dear God
So far today I’ve done alright.
Not once today
have I lost my temper.
Not once today
have I gossiped.
Not once today
have I been greedy or grumpy.
Not once today
have I been nasty, selfish, or impatient.
But in a few minutes dear Lord,
I have to get out of bed.
And from then on,
I’m going to need a lot more help.

Amen.

GPS

Was on a lake cruise with the family recently. The Captain had a different meaning for GPS -- Girls Port Side.

--
Nüvi 2595LMT

Political Cartoon

--
*Keith* MacBook Pro *wifi iPad(2012) w/BadElf GPS & iPhone6 + Navigon*

Good One!!!!

Good One!!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Hmm. This is not the case

kch50428 wrote:

http://www.investors.com/NewsAndAnalysis/PhotoPopup.aspx?id=580155

Interesting that Obama wanted to cut $4B, and raise taxes on the rich (including himself), but no, no, no, no...

I find the American perspective quite amusing.

--
nüvi 3790T | nüvi 775T | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, will make violent revolution inevitable ~ JFK

How To Lose Weight

***********************************************
Your New Fitness Program:
How to Lose Weight at Work
Without Doing Much...
***********************************************

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the
number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . . . 50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250

Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350

Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25

Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750

Pulling out all the stops. . . . . . . .75

Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160

Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50

Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300

Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90

Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6

Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

-----------

--
"Advice to children crossing the street: Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody." - Moms Mabley Garmin StreetPilot C330, Garmin NUVI 765T, Garmin DriveSmart 60LMT

Idle Thoughts

....I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

....I had amnesia once -- or twice.

....Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

....All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

....If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

....What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

....They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

....Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

....One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

....My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

....I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

....The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

....How can there be self-help "groups"?

....Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

....Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Ole joke

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena , "If it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."
***
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
***
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
***
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell,
dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
***
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
***
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's
money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say
something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
***
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a
long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly? "No," replied Lars.. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

***
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
***
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."
***
Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a
lake well known for its Walleyes. He had two buckets of fish.
As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied. "Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into der buckets and I take dem home." "That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." Said the game warden. Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den. It really does vork, don'tcha know? "O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious now. So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, "Well?" "Vell what?" responded Ole. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" asked Ole. "The fish!" "What fish?"
***
To those in North Dakota , Minnesota , and for that matter the rest of the
country, including Canada , I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He
was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?" Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!" Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.

--
John_nuvi_

Senior Texting

Senior texting & tweeting codesBecause more and more Seniors are texting
and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC or 'Senior Texting
Code'. If you have reached the magical golden number of 50 or above you
qualify and these are the codes for you to use. Also, you should forward
these your younger contactees so they will be able to figure out what
you're talking about when you text them. Here's the newest list:

ATD = At The Doctor's
BFF = Best Friend Fell
BTW = Bring The Wheelchair
CUATSC = See You At The Senior Center
FWIW = Forgot Where I Was
FYI = Found Your Insulin
GGPBL = Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA = Got Heartburn Again
HGBM = Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO = Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO = Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL = Living On Lipitor
OMSG = Oh My! Sorry... Gas.
ROFL... CGU = Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP = Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL = Talk To You Louder --
WWAITT = Wait, Who Am I Talking To?
WTP = Where's The Prunes?
GGLKI = Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGDF = Gotta Go, Depends Full

--
John_nuvi_

re Senior Texting - missed one

B4+HG2ER = Been more than 4 hours, going to ER.

--
*Keith* MacBook Pro *wifi iPad(2012) w/BadElf GPS & iPhone6 + Navigon*

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged
skinny long-legged big-tittied chicks and

hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half
his age and

drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never
paid child support or alimony and

banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and

ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and

never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family
thought he was frickin' cool as hell and

he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Someone Had to Remind Me.

Someone had to remind me,
So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
Anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a
Hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
Won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex
But not without your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.

13.
You sing along
With elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
Much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all
In big print
For your convenience.

Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

These are apparently real quotes from actual performance eval...

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A 'gross' ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

He Said to Me

1
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

2
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

3
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.

5
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

6
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

7
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.

8
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. .. .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed�.Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

After Thirty Years of Marriage.

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better..........

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

get to work

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

--
My Toys: MacBook Pro Unibody, Nuvi 2589

The Coyote: California vs. Texas

THE COYOTE

California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

The recession has hit everybody

1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

3. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

4. I saw a polygamist with only one wife.

5. The bank returned a check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
so I called them and ask if they meant me or them. It was them.

6. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. A picture is now only worth 200 words.

10. When Bill and Hillary travel together,
they now have to share a room.

11. The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now
managed by Somali pirates.

12. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

A man was so depressed thinking about the economy, wars,
jobs, his savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,
he called the Suicide Hotline and got a call center in Pakistan, and when he told them he was suicidal, they got all excited,
and asked if he could drive a truck.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

At the dentist

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Noah's Ark

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,

"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping... And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.

So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.

And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

The frog

A pupil told his kindergarten teacher that he had found a frog.

She inquired as to whether it was a live or dead.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" She asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.

"You did what?" Squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. The frog didn't move."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Marriage seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you tell me your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered... "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

The bar

Two guys walked into a bar.

The third one ducked.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Three Nuns at a Baseball Game

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING
THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO
MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE
ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID,

"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS
LIVING THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND
CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL? THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted..

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ....

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Live Without Sex..!!..?

John M 405 said in part..

johnm405 wrote:

9..
You can live without sex
But not without your glasses.

I don't know about the glasses part, but the other is what keeps me going at my elder age. wink grin

Nuvi1300WTGPS

--
I'm not really lost.... just temporarily misplaced!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Filing her taxes

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

cute!

cute!

Does anyone speak French around here ?

Old truths and saying from Africa - apologies to those who won't be able to understand them !

Il n'y a pas deux personnes qui ne s'entendent pas. Il y a juste deux personnes qui n'ont pas discuté ensemble.

Jamais le maïs n'a raison contre la poule.

La lenteur du caméléon ne l'empêche pas d'atteindre son but.

La mère du plus fier des coqs ne fut jamais qu'un oeuf au départ.

La pluie mouille les tâches du léopard, elle ne les efface pas.

Un tronc d'arbre a beau séjourner dans le fleuve, il ne se transformera jamais en crocodile !

Le vent peut pousser une feuille dans un trou, il ne peut l'en faire sortir.

Celui qui suit la piste d'un éléphant ne sera jamais mouillé par la rosée des buissons.

Ce que le poisson engloutit est tout bénéfice pour son maître le crocodile.

Quand la souris nargue le chat, c'est que son trou n'est pas loin.

Quand le poisson pleure, c'est à cause de l'eau qu'on ne voit pas ses larmes.

Quand on est au milieu du fleuve, on n'injurie pas le crocodile.

Quand un vieillard meurt, c'est une bibliothèque qui brûle.

Si l'argent se trouvait sur les arbres, les femmes aimeraient les singes.

Tous les Blancs ont une montre, mais ils n'ont jamais le temps.

Tu peux toujours faire un sac de la peau d'un éléphant, mais que vas-tu trouver à y mettre dedans ?

Quand les éléphants se battent c'est toujours l'herbe qui est écrasée...

Le grillon tient dans le creux de la main, mais on l'entend dans toute la prairie.

Le fleuve fait des détours parce que personne ne lui montre le chemin.

Celui qui rame dans le sens du courant fait rire les crocodiles.

La langue qui fourche fait plus de mal que le pied qui trébuche.

Quand l'éléphant trébuche, ce sont les fourmis qui en pâtissent.

Au lieu d'offrir du poisson à quelqu'un tous les jours, apprends-lui plutôt à pêcher.

Qui avale une noix de coco, fait confiance à son anus.

Se moquer de l'anus de son voisin n'est pas grave mais se moquer de lui avec toute sa famille est un crime

Attends d'avoir traversé la rivière avant de dire que le crocodile a une sale gueule.

On ne marche pas deux fois sur les testicules d'un aveugle.

Quelle que soit la maigreur d'un éléphant, ses couilles remplissent une marmite.

Le putois ne sent pas l'odeur de ses aisselles.

Qui crache en l’air doit s’attendre à recevoir des crachats sur le visage.

Lorsque tu offres un pagne à ta belle-mère, ne lui dis pas que c’est pour couvrir ses fesses.

La force du baobab est dans ses racines.

Même le poisson qui vit dans l’eau a toujours soif.

Le serpent a beau courir, il ne va pas plus vite que sa tête.

Celui qui a été mordu par un serpent se méfie d'une chenille.

Le pauvre mort, ses pieds s'allongent.

Dans les yeux de chaque maman scarabée, son petit est une gazelle.

Le pied gauche marche toujours à gauche.

Si le bélier a tendance à reculer, il ne faut pas croire que c'est parce qu'il est lâche.

Un morceau de bois a beau séjourner dans l'eau, il ne deviendra jamais un caïman.

Quelle que soit la longueur du jet de l'urine, les dernières gouttes retombent toujours entre les cuisses.

Ce n'est pas parce que le crocodile a soif qu'il sort de son lac pour boire l'eau de la rosée du matin qui tombe sur les feuilles.

Même s'il n'y a pas de coq pour chanter à l'aube, le jour se lèvera.

La chèvre broute là où elle est attachée.

Quand tu sauras le prix d'une esclave, tu ne penseras jamais à vendre ta mère.

Le monde a beau changer, le chat ne pondra jamais.

L'éléphant ne peut courir et se gratter les fesses en même temps.

Celui qui veut du miel doit avoir le courage d'affronter les abeilles.

Si quelqu'un fait semblant de mourir, il faut faire semblant de l'enterrer. (République démocratique du Congo)

Ce n'est pas parce que le mouton n'a pas de dent que tu mettras ta main dans sa bouche.

Celui qui sait qu’il ne sait pas saura. Celui qui ne sait pas qu’il sait ne saura jamais.

Pète une fois, et rigole, mais ne pète pas deux fois.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Does anyone speak French around here ?

Do you have a translates version of this also?

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

No translated version handy right now....

But then again, we're here to learn stuff, right ?

Class, today will not be related to GPS technology.

We'll try and discover a new continent instead wink

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Google Translate...

spera wrote:

Old truths and saying from Africa - apologies to those who won't be able to understand them !

Il n'y a pas deux personnes qui ne s'entendent pas. Il y a juste deux personnes qui n'ont pas discuté ensemble.

Jamais le maïs n'a raison contre la poule.

La lenteur du caméléon ne l'empêche pas d'atteindre son but.

La mère du plus fier des coqs ne fut jamais qu'un oeuf au départ.

La pluie mouille les tâches du léopard, elle ne les efface pas.

Un tronc d'arbre a beau séjourner dans le fleuve, il ne se transformera jamais en crocodile !

Le vent peut pousser une feuille dans un trou, il ne peut l'en faire sortir.

Celui qui suit la piste d'un éléphant ne sera jamais mouillé par la rosée des buissons.

Ce que le poisson engloutit est tout bénéfice pour son maître le crocodile.

Quand la souris nargue le chat, c'est que son trou n'est pas loin.

Quand le poisson pleure, c'est à cause de l'eau qu'on ne voit pas ses larmes.

Quand on est au milieu du fleuve, on n'injurie pas le crocodile.

Quand un vieillard meurt, c'est une bibliothèque qui brûle.

Si l'argent se trouvait sur les arbres, les femmes aimeraient les singes.

Tous les Blancs ont une montre, mais ils n'ont jamais le temps.

Tu peux toujours faire un sac de la peau d'un éléphant, mais que vas-tu trouver à y mettre dedans ?

Quand les éléphants se battent c'est toujours l'herbe qui est écrasée...

Le grillon tient dans le creux de la main, mais on l'entend dans toute la prairie.

Le fleuve fait des détours parce que personne ne lui montre le chemin.

Celui qui rame dans le sens du courant fait rire les crocodiles.

La langue qui fourche fait plus de mal que le pied qui trébuche.

Quand l'éléphant trébuche, ce sont les fourmis qui en pâtissent.

Au lieu d'offrir du poisson à quelqu'un tous les jours, apprends-lui plutôt à pêcher.

Qui avale une noix de coco, fait confiance à son anus.

Se moquer de l'anus de son voisin n'est pas grave mais se moquer de lui avec toute sa famille est un crime

Attends d'avoir traversé la rivière avant de dire que le crocodile a une sale gueule.

On ne marche pas deux fois sur les testicules d'un aveugle.

Quelle que soit la maigreur d'un éléphant, ses couilles remplissent une marmite.

Le putois ne sent pas l'odeur de ses aisselles.

Qui crache en l’air doit s’attendre à recevoir des crachats sur le visage.

Lorsque tu offres un pagne à ta belle-mère, ne lui dis pas que c’est pour couvrir ses fesses.

La force du baobab est dans ses racines.

Même le poisson qui vit dans l’eau a toujours soif.

Le serpent a beau courir, il ne va pas plus vite que sa tête.

Celui qui a été mordu par un serpent se méfie d'une chenille.

Le pauvre mort, ses pieds s'allongent.

Dans les yeux de chaque maman scarabée, son petit est une gazelle.

Le pied gauche marche toujours à gauche.

Si le bélier a tendance à reculer, il ne faut pas croire que c'est parce qu'il est lâche.

Un morceau de bois a beau séjourner dans l'eau, il ne deviendra jamais un caïman.

Quelle que soit la longueur du jet de l'urine, les dernières gouttes retombent toujours entre les cuisses.

Ce n'est pas parce que le crocodile a soif qu'il sort de son lac pour boire l'eau de la rosée du matin qui tombe sur les feuilles.

Même s'il n'y a pas de coq pour chanter à l'aube, le jour se lèvera.

La chèvre broute là où elle est attachée.

Quand tu sauras le prix d'une esclave, tu ne penseras jamais à vendre ta mère.

Le monde a beau changer, le chat ne pondra jamais.

L'éléphant ne peut courir et se gratter les fesses en même temps.

Celui qui veut du miel doit avoir le courage d'affronter les abeilles.

Si quelqu'un fait semblant de mourir, il faut faire semblant de l'enterrer. (République démocratique du Congo)

Ce n'est pas parce que le mouton n'a pas de dent que tu mettras ta main dans sa bouche.

Celui qui sait qu’il ne sait pas saura. Celui qui ne sait pas qu’il sait ne saura jamais.

Pète une fois, et rigole, mais ne pète pas deux fois.

There are no two people who disagree. There are just two people who have not discussed it.

Corn is not right against the chicken.

The slowness of the chameleon does not prevent him from reaching his goal.

The mother of the most proud of roosters was never an egg at the start.

The rain wets the leopard's tasks, it does not erase it.

A tree trunk may well stay in the river, it will become ever crocodile!

The wind can push a piece into a hole, he can not get out.

He who follows the trail of an elephant will never be wet with dew from the bushes.

The fish is swallowed any profit for his master the crocodile.

When the mouse taunting the cat, is that the hole is not far.

When the fish is crying, it's because of the water you can not see her tears.

When you're in the middle of the river, it does not insult the crocodile.

When an old man dies, a library burns.

If money was on the trees, the women would like the monkeys.

All Whites have a watch, but they never have time.

You can always make a bag of skin of an elephant, but what will you find to put in?

When elephants fight it is always the grass is crushed ...

The cricket in the palm of the hand, but it is understood throughout the prairie.

The river made detours because no one showed him the path.

He who train in the direction of the current laughing crocodiles.

The language that fork does more harm than the foot stumbles.

When the elephant stumbles, it is the ants who suffer.

Instead of giving fish to someone every day, teach him to fish instead.

Who eats a coconut, trusts his anus.

Making fun of the anus of his neighbor's okay but make fun of him with his whole family is a crime

Wait until you cross the river before you say the crocodile has a dirty mouth.

It does not work twice on the testicles of a blind man.

Regardless of the thinness of an elephant, his balls fill a pot.

The skunk does not smell the smell of his armpits.

Spitting up should expect to receive spitting on the face.

When you offer a loincloth to your stepmother, did not say it to cover his ass.

The strength of the baobab is in its roots.

Even fish that lives in water is always thirsty.

The snake has good run, it's not going faster than his head.

Whoever was bitten by a snake is wary of a caterpillar.

The poor man died, his feet longer.

In the eyes of every mother beetle, a small is a gazelle.

The left foot always works on the left.

If the ram has a tendency to fall, do not believe it's because he is a coward.

A piece of wood a beautiful stay in the water, it will never become a crocodile.

Whatever the length of the stream of urine, the last drops always fall between the thighs.

It is not because he is thirsty crocodile out of the lake to drink water from the morning dew falling on leaves.

Although there is no rooster to sing at dawn, the day will dawn.

The goat grazes where it is attached.

When you know the price of a slave, you never think to sell your mother.

The world may well change, the cat will lay ever.

The elephant can not run and scratch your butt at the same time.

Whoever wants honey must have the courage to face the bees.

If someone pretends to die, you have to pretend to bury him. (DR Congo)

This is not because the sheep has no teeth you put your hand in his mouth.

He who knows he can not know. He who knows not that he knows will never know.

fart once, and laugh, but do not fart twice

--
*Keith* MacBook Pro *wifi iPad(2012) w/BadElf GPS & iPhone6 + Navigon*

Google Translate...

Thanks some were weird, smile got a laught though

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Medical exam

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Henry, do we still have intercourse?" A nd there was a hush .

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently,
"If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times..."

What we have is...

Blue
Cross!"

Ah heck, let me try to correct those fer ya !

There are no two people who disagree. There are just two people who have not discussed together yet.

Corn is never right against the chicken.

The slowness of the chameleon does not prevent him from reaching his goal.

The mother of the proudest of roosters was only but an egg at the start.

The rain wets the leopard's tasks, it does not erase it.

A tree trunk may well stay in the river, it will never become a crocodile!

The wind can push a leaf into a hole, it will never get it out.

He who follows the trail of an elephant will never be wet with dew from the bushes.

What the fish has swallowed, is pure gain for its master the crocodile.

If the mouse taunts the cat, then its hole is not far.

When the fish is crying, it's because of the water that you can not see its tears.

When you're in the middle of the river, it is not a good idea to insult the crocodile.

When an old man dies, a library burns.

If money grew on trees, then women would like monkeys.

All White People have a watch, but they never have time.

You can always make a bag out of the skin of an elephant, but what will you find to put in it ?

When elephants fight it is always the grass that gets crushed ...

The cricket fits in the palm of your hand, but it is heard throughout the prairie.

The river made detours because no one showed it the path.

He who rows in the direction of the current, will cause laughter of the crocodiles.

A fork of the language does more harm than the foot that stumbles.

When the elephant stumbles, it is the ants who suffer.

Instead of giving fish to someone every day, teach him to fish instead.

Who eats a coconut whole, has great faith in his anus.

Making fun of the anus of his neighbor is okay, but making fun of him before his whole family is a crime

Wait until you cross the river before you say the crocodile has a dirty mouth.

You will not step twice on the testicles of a blind man.

Regardless of the thinness of an elephant, his balls will still fill a pot.

The skunk does not smell the stink of his armpits.

When spitting up, expect to receive spitting on the face.

When you offer a loincloth to your stepmother, do not tell her it to cover her butt.

The strength of the baobab is in its roots.

Even fish that lives in water is always thirsty.

The snake may run fast, it will never be faster than its head.

Whoever was bitten by a snake will be wary of a caterpillar.

The poor man died, his feet kept getting longer.

In the eyes of every mother beetle, her child is a gazelle.

The left foot always walks on the left.

If the ram has a habit of walking backwards, do not believe it's cowardice.

A piece of wood may well stay in the water, it will never become a crocodile.

Whatever the length of the stream of urine, the last drops always fall between the thighs.

It is not because of thirst that the crocodile comes out of the lake to drink the morning dew falling from leaves.

Even when there is no rooster to sing at dawn, the day will rise.

The goat grazes where it is attached.

When you'll know the price of a slave, you'll never think about selling your mother.

The world may well change, the cat will never lay eggs.

The elephant can not run and scratch its butt at the same time.

Whoever wants honey must have the courage to face the bees.

If someone pretends to die, you have to pretend to bury him. (DR Congo)

It is not because the sheep has no teeth that you should put your hand in its mouth.

He who knows he doesn't know, will know. He who knows not that he doesn't know, will never know.

Fart once, and laugh, but do not fart twice.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

In the Tottenham riots in

In the Tottenham riots in London the rioters went after the Spurs trophy room. The thugs absolutely cleaned it out, they took everything.

Police are looking for two men carrying 12 feet of blue and white carpet.

The pirate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

The pirate explained, "It was my first day with the hook."

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Doh!

drtrask wrote:

"It was my first day with the hook."

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Italian Wedding

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

--
John_nuvi_

Divorce

A couple get a divorce and are in negotiations for the custody of their children. The judge asks each of them to defend their reasoning for their rights to sole custody.
The wife replies, "The children are really mine, I carried them for nine months and spent hours in labor birthing them! He didn't really do anything!" The judge nods thoughtfully, recognizing the validity of her reasoning and asks for the husbands defense.
The husband thinks for a minute and replies, "Your honor...if you put a dollar into a coke machine and a soda pops out, does that soda belong to you or the machine?"

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

THREE PRIESTS ...

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh ..
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very
nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets..

The first priest approached the window. 'Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.' He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.'
Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons.....'the third priest mutters and moves to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in
nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus.

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

Ralph & Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottomand pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became awareof Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be dischargedfrom the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concludedthat your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with hisbathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

From Facebook

I was dancing like no one was watching, but apparently someone was, cause paramedics showed up looking for the lady with the seizures.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with they goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "ebay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

After a car accident

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

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Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)
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