Factory Joke Thread – April 2022

What if April Fool's Day is actually April 2nd and we've all been fooled into thinking it's April 1st?

A truck laoded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today. Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

I accidently swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Police have finally arrested the World Tongue Twister champion. They say he will be given a very tough sentence.

from RV Daily Tips.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would it be okay? Or would you have mixed fillings?

From RV Travel newsletter

A woman walked into the kitchen find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
 
'What are you doing?'
She asked.          
 
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
 
'Oh ! Killing any?'          
She asked.
 
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.          
 
Intrigued,  she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'          
 
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,          
2 were on the phone.    

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

Good One!!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

The crew of a British Airways A380 Flt 268 made a wrong turn during taxi for departure at Heathrow, and came nose to nose with another aircraft. The furious ground controller (a female) started yelling: "Speedbird 268" where are you going? I instructed you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there"
Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: " It'll take forever to sort this out due to your screw up. Hold your position and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I expect you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
The frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence... "Wasn't I married to you once?"

It's weird being the same age as old people!

Ain’t that the truth!

I like

One day, a man called his wife to let her know that his boss had asked him to come on a fishing trip in Canada with some friends. He told his wife that he thought it would be a great move for his career and that he thought he should go.

The man’s wife agreed to let him go, so he asked her to pack his bag as they were leaving the office and heading out from there. He specifically asked his wife to pack his new blue silk pajamas.

The wife knew something was odd about the trip and about her husband’s request, but she packed everything that he asked for and had it ready for him to come pick up before leaving on the trip.

After being gone for a week, the husband returned home and his wife asked if he had a good time and if he caught any fish.

“You bet we did! We caught pike and walleye – tons of fish!” he told his wife. “We spent all day out on the lake and had fish every night for dinner. It was fantastic.”

The husband then mentioned that his wife forgot one little thing.

“You forgot to pack my pajamas like I asked, though,” he said.

“No I didn’t,” his wife replied. “I put them in your tackle box.”

1. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

2. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

3. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

4. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

6. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

7. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

8. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
9. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

10. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

11. A room temperature IQ.

12. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

13. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

14. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

15. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

16. Bright as Alaska in December.

17. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

18. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

19. Fell out of the family tree.

20. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

21. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

22. He's so dense, light bends around him.

23. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

24. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

26. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

27. One neuron short of a synapse.

28. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

29. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

30. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

31. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

32. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

What goes up when the rain goes down?
Umbrellas.

What falls but never gets hurt?T
The rain!

What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!

What did the dirt say to the rain?
If this keeps up my name will be mud.

Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.

After an airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off he forgets to turn off the intercom.
Speaking to the copilot he says,
"Do you know what I fancy doing?"
The co-pilot responds
"No - what do you fancy doing then?"
The pilot says,
"Well first of all I think I'll go take a dump"
"Then when I get back I think that I will make a move on that new blonde stewardess."
In the main cabin the stewardess hears this - as do the rest of the passengers - and runs up the aisle to tell him that the intercom is still on.
Unfortunately in her haste to get to him before he says anything else that's embarrassing she trips and falls in the aisle.
A little old lady passenger who's seated nearby looks down at her and says,
"There's no need to rush dear"
"He's taking a Dump first

Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"She screamed, "NO! Piss off you filthy old bastard!"He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."She didn't jump.
 
See ... counselling can work!!!

Good One!!

Passwords have stopped more people from getting into their own accounts than hackers

I just took a   leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at  85.
I'm so happy, because I live at   number   83.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

There’s no “I” in Denial.

When’s the best time to wash your Slinky?
During spring cleaning.

The bed store is having a spring sale. Unfortunately, the rest of the beds are still full price.

What do gardeners wear on their legs?
Garden hose.

How can you tell the weather’s getting warmer?
There’s a spring in people’s step.

What did the seed say to the flower?
OK, Bloomer!

At dinner I usually go back four seconds.

My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, he said I was fired.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked, “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Awesomw

a customer came in and asked for a strawberry shake, I told him the ice cream machine was down

he then asked for a fudge Sundae, I again told him the ice cream machine was down

next he asked for a vanilla cone, I told him the ice cream machine was down for a 3rd time

he finally asked can I get a Oreo McFlurry, that was the last straw I asked him: can you spell the straw in strawberry. "Sure s t r a w" how about the sun in sundae? "Yeah s u n" what about the con in cone "c o n" as the customer was getting annoyed that I wasn't making his ice cream I asked him 1 final question: can you spell the f in ice cream " theirs no f in ice cream" exactly I said with a smile

Why did one bee tease the other bee?Because he was acting like a bay-bee!

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?Lily!

How does the sun listen to music?On the ray-dio.

Why did the farmer bury all his money?To make his soil rich.

Why are frogs so happy?They eat whatever bugs them.

What kind of bow can’t be tied or untied?A rainbow.

I filled the fuel tank.

Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it’d be insulting.

After being blasted into space, the worlds most powerful telescope is no longer the worlds most powerful telescope.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedic's were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Good One!!

Never give up on your dreams. Just keep sleeping.

The person who thought it’s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn’t have any siblings.

Procrastination is totally a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

Plus you’d be surprised how many problems will fix themselves if you just walk away and leave them alone.

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

“Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…”

At this point, the wife sits up and says, ”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

I like

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father." "I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"