Factory Joke Thread – May 2021

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

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Marriage consulor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9:00."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Zoo keeper

A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever” T-Shirt. The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "You can't never tell nobody about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want any offspring raised as Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Husband and wife

Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day.”
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again next day, he says same thing – “today is a fine day.” Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband – “since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband: “Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you."

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion, then it died.

Guy: Nonsense!! Someone else must have shot the lion

Doctor: Good, you understand the story. Next patient please...

Yep.

MaddPerson wrote:

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion, then it died.

Guy: Nonsense!! Someone else must have shot the lion

Doctor: Good, you understand the story. Next patient please...

See, that's pretty funny.

Phil

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

The will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile
markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the
Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings
on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings and, as Doug slips away, the nurse says:

"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies,
"Property?. What property? The Asshole has a paper route"...

--
John from PA

The Priest and Hairdryer-Abbreviated

An attractive young woman onboard a flight from Ireland asked the priest who sat beside her: "Father, may I ask you a favour?"

Priest: Not the hair dryer again…

Texans and Snow Tires

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.

We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Husband laments

20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

This is what it feels like

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

This Is What It Feels Like

Yo

Husband and wife

Wife:I wish I were a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day!

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Definition of a quickie

This won’t hurt !
Did it ?

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Husband And Wife

I'll bet that went over well.
BTW... When is he being released from the hospital?

A snake walks into a bar

Bartender asks, "How'd you do that?"

Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

From: The Laff Factory

The DNA test

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!" he replied.

"What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."

"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My wife found out I was cheating

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me ever again!!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were

”We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s not the doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Zoo

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

After the Honeymoon

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'Ironing Board 'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...' Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.' 'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

Gotta love those Newfies

A young guy from Newfoundland moves to British Columbia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you
have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to continue your employment
here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not in a fishing village anymore, son."

The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically),
"So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65.′′

The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4×4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said, "No, the guy
came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Gotta Love Those Newfies

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: What do the new speed

Q: What do the new speed limit signs say on our suburban roads? A: Max speed - 60 km/h - Harleys, do best you can.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!'
Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair. no matter how big they are.

So true!

Mred44 wrote:

Two blondes lived in the same town but their homes were divided by a river They were good friends and loved to get together frequently. However, a powerful storm hit the town and dumped a lot of rain Unfortunately, the bridge was washed out and there was no way to cross. By coincidence, both blondes walked down to the river to have a look. They spotted each other and had this conversation:

Mary: I’d love to visit but how do I get to the other side?

Susie: Whaddaya mean? You ARE on the other side!

Good one.

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC!

Trying to buy alchol

An alcoholic walks into a hardware shop and asks to buy a bottle of meths.
The shopkeeper says "I'm not selling you that, I've seen you sitting down the park and I know you're an alkie. You'll just drink it."
The bloke says "no, I've just started my own decorating business and I need it for my work.
People won't let me forget I used to be a drunk.
I've turned my life around, but I'll always be seen as that drunkard, no matter how hard I work"
The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry. Alright, heres your bottle of meths."
The bloke says "you haven't got a cold one, have you?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A trip to Rome

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
” Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking British Airways,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“British Airways?” exclaimed the hairdresser.. ” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it…”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of British Airways brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me”
“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”
He said: “Who the hell did your hair?”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Best explanation of a politician

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I have come across.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Escalator repair

Had to fix an escalator today, I took it one step at a time.

--
-Quest, Nuvi 1390T

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The definition of “Old” !

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "Old"

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Why couldn't the pony sing?

It was a little hoarse.

Newlyweds

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”

“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man admitted.

“What happened?” inquired the pastor.

The young man states “Well, near the end of the second week, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over in her tight little pink skirt to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at Kroger's anymore either.”

Crow Kills Explained...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definite- ly NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the dispropor- tionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah"... not a single one could shout "Truck."

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