Factory Joke Thread – May 2021

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?”

George replied, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof the light goes on when I’m done, poof the light goes off.”

“Wow!” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!”

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?”

Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Four ‘Senior’ women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rosebud tattoo above one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said, “She doesn’t know it yet, but in 50 years she’ll be wearing a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, '' 2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs 5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's 10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/parrotjokes.html

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 2nd floor.”

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

Science:
Looking for a black cat in a dark room.

Philisophy:
Looking for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat.

Psychoanalysis:
Looking for a black cat in a dark room where there is no cat, and finding one.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"

Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated during their tour.

When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says, “Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?”

Gertrude replies, “Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large!”

“I know”, says her friend, “and cold, too!”

and everyone driving faster than me is a maniac.

Do you actually know what the 5th of May means in Mexico.

Well this is the story behind it!
Sometime in the 1800's a ship left Spain with a cargo of mayonnaise and when it was still a few days, from reaching Mexico, for mysterious reasons on May 5th the ship sank.
And that is why Mexico has a " Sinko de Mayo" day.

Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

—William Petersen

A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, “Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.”

The man’s face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.

“Are you okay? Whats the matter?” begged his wife.

He managed to get control of himself. “For a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.”

“Your ex-wife?” the woman exclaimed. “You never told me that you were married before!”

“I wasn’t,” he said.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!

The other billionaire scratches his chin. 'Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?'

The guy replies: 'A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price.'

The other billionaire says: 'Sell him to me for two million?'

'No, what are you saying? Sell him? His like family!'

'Three million!'

'I don't know, man... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!'

'Alright, five million!'

'Five million?.. Well, okay man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're friends'.

In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:

'What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!'

The other billionaire looks at him and says:

'Well, man, I don't know what to say, with that attitude, you'll never sell an elephant!'

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We will take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check.I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbtsX7IXUgs

Very funny

good one

Very lucky to find!

Good one!

With age comes wisdom! What a wiseguy!

Good One!!

It remains popular.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

• How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

• A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

• Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.

• How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.

• A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

• Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.

• What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

• Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.

• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.

• Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

And……

• The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales. 
 
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
 
 Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
 
 Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Canada , remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
as he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, she

asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass

and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,

and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.

( The suspense is killing you, isn't it ) ?

she said .........

" You're just the first man who
happened to catch my eye. "

Good. morning,,
I'm a bit worried about the health of my calendar, its days are numbered..

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come and ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and rubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?The little girl said,

"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

.....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .......

and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU

Wow

Wow

Wow

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 76 years old and while I was in the McDonald’s drive through this morning, the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I’d done, because we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you,” obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

LESSON: Don’t mess with older people; they’ve been around a long time!!!

Excellent.

I'll have to remember that. LOL

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’‘
Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot.. ‘Got any more tips for me?’
‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘You bet it will, ‘ said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.
’‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt near as much.

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’‘
Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot.. ‘Got any more tips for me?’
‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘You bet it will, ‘ said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.
’‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt near as much.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

I knew the drill.

"The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why."
-- Mark Twain

Two blondes lived in the same town but their homes were divided by a river They were good friends and loved to get together frequently. However, a powerful storm hit the town and dumped a lot of rain Unfortunately, the bridge was washed out and there was no way to cross. By coincidence, both blondes walked down to the river to have a look. They spotted each other and had this conversation:

Mary: I’d love to visit but how do I get to the other side?

Susie: Whaddaya mean? You ARE on the other side!

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."
One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
He said, "My wife found out."