Factory Joke Thread – July 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

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CoVid 19 humor

1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?

2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.

5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.

7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.

9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. That would be helpful right now.

11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.

12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.

14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.

--
John from PA

The will

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.

"Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Bravo!

John from PA wrote:

1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?

2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.

5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.

7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.

9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. That would be helpful right now.

11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.

12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.

14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.

Bravo, well said.

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."

"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Las Vegas

This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday Service will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.....

The Churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in............

This is done by the Chip Monks! ..................
Didn't see that coming did you:)

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Corny Jokes

Why are there gates surrounding cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.

What did one toilet say to another?
You look flushed.

Why did the baby strawberry cry?
His parents were in a jam.

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s fine now, she woke up.

What do you call a fish without eyes?
A fsh.

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

You Look Familiar

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes, then says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Memory

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be..

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

You Look Familiar

Wow thats a good one

Retarded Grandparents...

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was supposedly reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wreck center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

--
John from PA

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Now this was a great one,

Loved it!

John from PA wrote:

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was supposedly reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wreck center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Signs of Aging:

Signs of Aging:

You don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

...and 'an all-nighter' means not getting up to go to the bathroom.

Blondes (You Gotta Love them...)

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the problem?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor". She asks, " How often do I have to do that ?

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Funny

Melaqueman wrote:

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the problem?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor". She asks, " How often do I have to do that ?

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Humorous quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' (Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shutup. (Joe Namath)

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W. C. Fields)

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. (Will Rogers)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. (Winston Churchill)

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. (Phyllis Diller)

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal)

--
John from PA

Blondes (You Gotta Love them...)

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver's license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.... Just yesterday they took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to you?

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Vegetable Jokes

What’s the fastest vegetable?
A runner bean

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date!

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?
Ketchup.

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?
leeks!

The pain!

I went to the doctor because I had an intense pain every time I drank coffee.

He told me to take the spoon out of the cup before I drank.

did you know

tomatoes cantaloupe

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

One wish...

A man on his Harley was riding along California Highway 1 when suddenly the sky clouded above his
head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

--
John from PA

An Air Force Colonel is about to brief his men.

An Air force Colonel is about to start the morning briefing.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decides to pose a question to assembled staff.

He explained his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and that he failed to get his usual amount of solid sleep.

He posed a question of how much sex was comprised of "work" verses "fun".

A Major chimed in that it was 75/25 in favor of work.

A Captain said 50-50.

A Lieutenant responded with 25/75 in favor of fun, depending on how inebriated he was at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Airman First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young AFC responded "Sir, it has to be 100% fun"

The Colonel was surprised, and as you might guess, he asked for an explanation.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved in it, the officers would have all have me doing it for them".

The room fell silent.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

New draft, guys over 70

I am over 70 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!?? I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at by the wives and we're used to soft food We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!??

How about recruiting Women over 50... in Menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

--
John from PA

DIY covid test

A new and easy test for Covid-19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favourite whisky (gin or rum) into it; then see if you can smell it, if you can then you are halfway there; then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.

I tested myself 12 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today though, as I have developed a headache which can also be one of the symptoms.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.
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