Factory Joke Thread – July 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

Don't

Don't read the wall, the joke's in your hand!

--
Frank DriveSmart55 37.322760, -79.511267

Funny Little Brother Quotes

Put your little brother in his place using a bit of humor.
Little brothers are like bop bags, you hit 'em and they keep bouncing back for more.

He might have a big mouth, but he's still my little brother.

I don't call you a little brother because you're younger, I call you a little brother because it's my right to belittle you.

If I was lit, you would tell - that's why you're my lit-tell brother!
There are lots of famous characters with "Little" in their name like Little Richard or Stuart Little -- too bad you'll never be one of them, little brother!

30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
From Aha ! Jokes

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Logic

"My wife left a note on the fridge, ""It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!""
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Gym

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear women's panties?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Little Timmy

One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad – both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing.

The mom says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.”

So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him.

She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?”

Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.”

So, Timmy’s mom thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind.

“Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?”

“That’s all I saw and I have no idea.”

“Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and I, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.”

Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?”

Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.

The contest

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My wife asked me, “If I die, will you re-marry?”

I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”

“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked

I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it!”

Then she asked “Would you let her wear my clothes?”

I replied “Nah she’s not your size”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I have to remember to think

I have to remember to think carefully before answering if she asks that question!

LoL

My friend Fred died...

...a few months ago and left his wife Clara a $20000.00 life insurance policy. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and asked her how she was doing. Clara told me that was broke. I asked her what had happened to the $20000.00. She said that it cost $5000.00 for the funeral and and $15000.00 for the rock. I exclaimed in astonishment, ‘How big was it?’ She smiled and said, “Oh, about 3 and a half carats”.

--
It is impossible to rightly govern a nation without God and the Bible. ----George Washington

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

message

Texted the wife - Hi Darling. I'm in the pub with a couple of mates having a quiet drink.. Someone just coughed, so we have all been quarantined. See you in 14 days!!

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Doh!

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Merger

I heard that YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging into a new social media company called YouTwitFace.

A long list of (stolen) jokes...

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.

Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho... Alaska!

Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
A: An irrelephant.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Where do crayons go on vacation?
A: Color-ado!

Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!

Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A-Dell

Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: Why is your foot more special than your other body parts?
A: Because they have their own soul.

Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
A: Ton.

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T

Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.

A Long List Of (Stolen) Jokes...

I love them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

join the new club

I've recently joined a local wine tasting club.

If anybody would like to tag along we meet every day on the benches in the park at around 8.30am!!

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Sibling Jokes

Older siblings are like your parents' personal science fair. They're a bunch of experiments.

Siblings are like free insurance. If you need a new body part, they've got the perfect spare.

The oldest child always sets the bar. Thank goodness you set it low!

I wouldn't trade my siblings for the world. I don't have anywhere to put it..

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Syria, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 ISIS troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ISIS fighter with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..

Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!