This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
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Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Don't read the wall, the joke's in your hand!
Put your little brother in his place using a bit of humor.
Little brothers are like bop bags, you hit 'em and they keep bouncing back for more.
He might have a big mouth, but he's still my little brother.
I don't call you a little brother because you're younger, I call you a little brother because it's my right to belittle you.
If I was lit, you would tell - that's why you're my lit-tell brother!
There are lots of famous characters with "Little" in their name like Little Richard or Stuart Little -- too bad you'll never be one of them, little brother!
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
From Aha ! Jokes
"My wife left a note on the fridge, ""It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!""
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?"
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear women's panties?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad – both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing.
The mom says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.”
So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him.
She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?”
Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.”
So, Timmy’s mom thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind.
“Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?”
“That’s all I saw and I have no idea.”
“Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and I, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.”
Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?”
Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!
My dog came in third.
I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”
“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked
I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it!”
Then she asked “Would you let her wear my clothes?”
I replied “Nah she’s not your size”
I have to remember to think carefully before answering if she asks that question!
...a few months ago and left his wife Clara a $20000.00 life insurance policy. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and asked her how she was doing. Clara told me that was broke. I asked her what had happened to the $20000.00. She said that it cost $5000.00 for the funeral and and $15000.00 for the rock. I exclaimed in astonishment, ‘How big was it?’ She smiled and said, “Oh, about 3 and a half carats”.
He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Texted the wife - Hi Darling. I'm in the pub with a couple of mates having a quiet drink.. Someone just coughed, so we have all been quarantined. See you in 14 days!!
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I heard that YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging into a new social media company called YouTwitFace.
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.
Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho... Alaska!
Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
A: An irrelephant.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: Where do crayons go on vacation?
Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: Why is your foot more special than your other body parts?
A: Because they have their own soul.
Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
I love them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've recently joined a local wine tasting club.
If anybody would like to tag along we meet every day on the benches in the park at around 8.30am!!
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
Older siblings are like your parents' personal science fair. They're a bunch of experiments.
Siblings are like free insurance. If you need a new body part, they've got the perfect spare.
The oldest child always sets the bar. Thank goodness you set it low!
I wouldn't trade my siblings for the world. I don't have anywhere to put it..
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Syria, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 ISIS troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ISIS fighter with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"
My mate is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him...But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.
I haven't slept for 3 days, because that would be too long!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
An old Italian man lived alone.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot
for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
# 1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice
# 2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
# 3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop making you mad.
# 4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
# 5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it. "
# 6 - “On time” is when you get there.
# 7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
# 8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
# 9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
# 10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
# 11 - Ageing has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
# 12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more:
"One for the road" means going to the bathroom before you leave the house.
Man, I could have written those points. Well done!
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I put my foot down.
I was awake most of the night trying to figure out what nocturnal meant
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".
"Little Sister" sounds like the name of a girl group who only had one hit.
Someone must have been thinking of you, little sister, when they said "a little bit goes a long way."
You're a little much and I'm a big deal, that's why you're the little sister and I'm the big sister/brother.
To my little sister, you'll always be a little less smart, a little less cute, and a little less funny than me.
When you're a little kid, you look forward to getting bigger, too bad little sisters are stuck in that role forever!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday she received this letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19:Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
My friend and neighbor Larry was in his back yard trying to launch a kite.
He threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. He tried this a few more times with no success.
I noticed his wife Karen watching from their kitchen window. She was muttering something about how men need to be told how to do everything. Then she opens the window and yells to Larry 'You need more tail.'
He turns right around and with a confused look on his face, yells back, 'Damn it, make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT, ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS, "OKAY, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Old but still funny
Classic: Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
But the fire department usually prefers water.
Except in the case of forest fires.....
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Cole’s Law is thinly sliced cabbage.
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