Factory Joke Thread – February 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Page 1>>

Plastic surgery

Plastic surgery!

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman
remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your boobs."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then.....!"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Funny Valentine's Day Jokes:

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Boy: "Really?"
Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/valentinesdayjokes/

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Good One !

Good One !

Breakfast

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken....."

“Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

“Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs..”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Russian meets his friend.

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's dating Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop dating him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream where an FSB colonel hinted at me that I should leave this matter alone."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man was very sick.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A woman gets a call from kidnappers.

"We have your son," said the kidnapper.

"I don't have a son," says the woman.

"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"

"Oh, God you have my husband!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The shortcut

I was walking home last night and I decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them " I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive"
Never seen anyone run that fast!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Easy Puzzle

Well, this is not a joke but an easy puzzle. Well, at least for some. Anyway, here it is: The movie, Sound of Music, was released on April 1, 1965. When asked if you're among those who were also singing to the tune "I am 16 going on 17", and you answered yes since you were born on October 10, 1948, who else with birthdays before and after yours can also do the same? In other words, which dates apply? In other words again, it has to be on or before April 1, 1965.

16 going on 17

It depends when the speaker considers itself going on 17, on the 16th birthday, at 16-1/2, or what. It is supposed to be a matter of maturity, which varies.

The accident

Husband's call to his wife......

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.

Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury.

However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

who is smarter

Two guys working in the cemetery digging a grave with a supervisor standing over the grave site watching them dig.

One of the diggers said how come you get to stand there and watch us work the supervisor says come up here. He places his hand against a tree and says hit my hand. The digger rears back and just before he hits the hand the supervisor jerks his hand away and the digger smashes his hand into the tree.

He climbs back into the grave and the other digger asked OK how come he gets to watch us do all the work. The digger with the smashed hand puts his hand up to his face and says go ahead hit my hand.

--
garry

Gone fishing!

Gone fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

French

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

A student visits the principal’s office one day

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies,
“No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an ass

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A professor is sent to darkest Africa

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Polish husband

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions;

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.

What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Cops

An officer came to my house and asked
where I was between 5 and 6.

I replied kindergarten.

good one!!!

good one!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

The accident

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's c a r . Both of their cars are demolished , but amazingly neither of them was hurt. .

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days .

The man replied,"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break.

Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman .

The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Some years ago Adam ate the apple.
Men will never learn!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

“Son, you were adopted”

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Sorta fowl ...

What did the duck say to the bartender?

Put it on my bill!

The great Zao-Tsu once said

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The Great Zao-Tsu Once Said

Melaqueman wrote:

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

Very true

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The farmer and the mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The pianist

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter
The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later a duck walks into the bar.
Another duck, then another soon follows it.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says,
"You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Seniors sex study

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.

They revealed that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This news came as a shock to me and my golf buddies, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Stosh Opaczynski

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Plain Dealer, a local newspaper in Cleveland, Ohio, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard in the Flats, Stosh 'The Polish Excavator' Opaczynski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Stosh has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless."

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar,

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."

"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."

"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.

"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"

"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."

"Yes, yes I do have a house!"

"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."

"Yes, yes I do have a family!"

"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."

"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.

"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.

"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

"No."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.

Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion.

A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week."

The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week."

The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman is trained with a sword, and knows that his opponent is skilled with a firearm. As such, he chooses to give himself the advantage. "I choose to duel with swords!"

The challenger nods at this choice. "Very well then." He hands both swords to his opponent. "Here are your swords. That just leaves me with the guns."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Just Jokes

A magician was driving down the road and turned into a shopping mall.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.

I have clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.

Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries? Insanitea.

I love coffee. It's Redbull for old people.

Blond

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Theater Patron Won't Budge

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice, Sam replied “… the balcony.”

A boy scouts question

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The new shoes

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice
everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather
shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear
red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'
Luigi answers,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you
wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like
them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi
asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no
panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ...

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes.....................!'.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The monkey in the bar

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

`"Try it now,'' said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''

"BP,'' answered the bee.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Bus

riding the bus
Bus stops with a jerk
Jerk got off, now I'm reading the jokes page

--
If only ..

Blond

Blond

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Killing time...

A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. It was nearly midnight and he saw a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look.

Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.

The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop asked, "What are you doing?"

The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And, her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

He asked, "What's your age, young man ?"

The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and replied,
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

--
John from PA

Having gay parents must be terrible

Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Didn’t expect that one...

Melaqueman wrote:

I was walking home last night and I decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them " I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive"
Never seen anyone run that fast!

Alligator attack

Florida woman saves herself in alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol .
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of my home in Florida with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
The alligator must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The drunk

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his Attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT Retired now, Nuvi 2797LMT, SmartDrive 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

RING

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
Page 1>>