Factory Joke Thread – February 2019

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

The professor was telling his early morning
class, "I've found that the best way to start
the day is to exercise for five minutes, take
a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl
of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over."

A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell us more
about Rosy.”

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people drooling, but being devout Catholics they couldn't partake. After 2 weeks of temptation, they all got together and had their padre approach the guy for a resolution.

The padre approached the guy with the idea of conversion, that way he couldn't eat meat during lent. So the padre came up with his arguments and why he thought it would benefit the man. The padre sweetened the pot by adding the condition that should he convert they would give me large orders like replacing the church roof and all the other orders in the area. The man thought and weighed his options and saw profit so he agreed. They scheduled a baptism for the man for the next day itself.

The padre splashes holy water on the man and says

"You were born a Muslim, you lived a life of a Muslim, but now you are Christian"

The baptism done everyone was happy and placed their woodwork orders with man and paid him advances. The padre told him he has to stop his barbeques till lent is done though he can have fish if the urge is strong.

The next afternoon again the smell of grilled meat began to waft through the area. The people complained to the padre and they made a mob to confront the man for eating meat during lent.

They approached the backyard and the guy was standing with his back to them with his hand held high holding a bottle of water, they heard him recite sprinkling the water over the grill.

"You were born a cow, you lived the life of a cow, but now you are a fish"

Good One!!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired Airman, and asked . . . . Honey, do you remember this ?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night ?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."

The power of distraction: A border patrol agent stopped a man on a bicycle with 2 bags in a basket. He asked the man "What is in the bags?" The man replied "Sand." After searching the bags the border patrol agent found nothing but sand. The next day the same border patrol agent stopped the same man on a bicycle with 2 bags of sand. The border patrol agent again asked the man "What is in the bags?" The man again replied "Sand." After searching the bags again he found nothing but sand. This went on for weeks. The same man on a bicycle with 2 bags of sand comes through his border. The border patrol agent finally asks the man: "Look, you come here every day on a bicycle with 2 bags, I search the bags and find nothing but sand. Now, I'm taking off my badge, I'm just a common man just like you. But I have to know "'What is it that you are smuggling into my country?'" The man replied "OK I will tell you what I'm smuggling into your country. I'm smuggling bicycles."

She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."

The man asks "What is so wrong?"

The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

"Dam!"

Wife's Diary Entry

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary Entry:

A one-foot putt, who the hell misses a one-foot putt?

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!!!"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap with me again. You're in my closet now!'

What did one squashed strawberry say to the other squashed strawberry?

We are in a jam.

Police think it is race-related

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Now I would like to meet that priest!!!!

What an imaginative response all within the truth...maybe he was a political priest. lol

 She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this!

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for for the airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, " No, no, I'm the one whose sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I'd been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends, but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

“Guys, meet my new fiancée” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.

For the rest of the afternoon, his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning beauty. After the round of golf, the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.

One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You’re 70. She must be at least 40 years younger than you!”

The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”

His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”

“I told her I was 90.”

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”