Factory Joke Thread – February 2019

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" T he woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Good One!!

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. A ll the children were invited to come forward

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired:

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "That's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, box 22 is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak, I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back."
(but hands him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story, Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "Old Geezer”.

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.
"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.
"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."
"I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace."
"Oh, how nice." Said the young woman.
"After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"So, what has your husband gotten you?"
"Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Now instead of saying "go f**k yourself," I say "oh, how nice'."

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.

"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."

"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

I want to become a door to door photographer!!!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........

She looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a shit ?'

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and a retired English literature teacher. The husband was retired military and more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

"The husband texted back to her: "On the toilet. Please advise."

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

he was flushed with excitement!

Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication
with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered
by one of the employees!

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications
was on a cellular phone! He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The
pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his
cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before
we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory!
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at
180 mph!

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you
down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic!
Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter
dial in front of me!"

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know
you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed
dial in front of me!"

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast!
So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The shite in my pants is running out of my shirt
collar!!"

Husband to wife : You should learn to embrace your mistakes... She hugged him immediately.

Whiskey is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most, and when a man does that... the slideshow begins.

If a wife wants her husband’s attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable. If a husband wants his wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable and happy.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

How do most men define marriage? — A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife.

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,'

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." '

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

A recent study has found that
women who carry a little extra
weight live a little longer than
the men who mention it.

Good one

A tough old sheep farmer from northern England gave some advice to his granddaughter back at the start of the Great War in 1914.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her breakfast every morning.
The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 101.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

A minister died and was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him was a guy who was dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addressed the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replied, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City".

Saint Peter consulted his list. He smiled and said to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver went into Heaven, and then it was the minister's turn.

He stood erect and boomed out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consulted his list and said to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," said the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," said Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

So Jesus is up on the Cross. Below are a bunch of Roman guards and Mary Magdeline, and a few other crying women.

Also, the 12 disciples. All of a sudden, Jesus cries out, " Peter! Peter! Come here."
Peter rushes towards the Cross, but the Romans beat him back.
Again he cries, "Peter! Peter! Come here!"
Again he rushes to the Cross, ducking one Roman spear, kneeing another in the groin, and eventually climbing half way up the cross thinking, "This is it! I'm going to hear God's last commandment!"
As Roman soldiers are tearing him down from the Cross, he clutches Jesus and says, "What is it, Lord? What do you have to say for my wisdom?"
Jesus says, "Dude. I can totally see your house from up here."

Good One!!!

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’

Murphy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Murphy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close.

The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.’

A week later, Murphy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Murphy guessed 2. The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time.’

As they were driving away, Murphy said to Mick, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.’

Mick replied, ‘Ahh, sur' Murphy, I know it to be genuine enough alright, my wife, she won twice last week.’

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

“I don’t remember.”

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey.

He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further.

“What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture.

“Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly.

The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture.

“Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement.

The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air.

“So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head.

Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?”

Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial the wrong number, you never get a busy signal;
someone always answers.

5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in
will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking
A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!

Those were all good. I think I have had everyone of them happen to me sometime

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "S**t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before....

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Thinking this a bit weird but thinking that maybe it had something to do with a new gun control rule from the government, I dutifully did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and hollering finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
I tell you they need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad! Although I should probably consider wearing underwear from now on.

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

"She smells of elephant s**t."

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

This is priceless. Oh, the power in words. In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...

A young blonde woman had a flat tire on the interstate.

She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.

She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.

“What’s going on here?” he asked.

“My car has a flat tire,” the blonde said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?”

The blonde looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.

“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.

“Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited,

She said “Look in the garage.”

My wife just opened the car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going
70 mph.

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop!

You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ......

"Nope....You are!

I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"

One Sunday morning Mary O’Tool attended her local church’s mass after being delinquent for several weeks. Father O’Malley was pleasantly surprised and asked why he hadn’t seen her at services for awhile. Mary explained that she had recently lost her womanizing boyfriend, Shawn.
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The priest was dumbfounded and asked what happened. Mary told him Shawn had been the victim of a mortal gun shot wound, and she was extremely distraught having been by his side when he died. Being a compassionate man he totally understood, and she was forgiven. Reluctantly he asked, “Did he have any last words.”
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She responded, "All he said was...Mary put down the gun !!!"

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."