Factory Joke Thread – May 2017

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Wow

And it's not even May the One'th! it must be a joke!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Moms

At 3 years "Mommy I love you.
At 10 years "Mom whatever"
At 16 years "Mom your so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house".
At 25 years "Mom you were right".
At 50 years " I don't want to lose my Mom.
At 70 years " I would give up everything to have my mom here with me".

From Jokesrus

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

While working the night

While working the night shift drive-in window at the local fast food restaurant,a group of kids drove up and ordered a hamburger, fries, a stealth bomber and a large coke.

Without batting an eye, the clerk replied that would be 12 billion four hundred fifty three million three hundred seventeen thousand two hundred twenty one dollars and forty cents. Thanks for your order. Please drive up to the first window.

After an awkward pause the kids replied "Umm. What would it be without the stealth bomber?"

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Mom

johnm405 wrote:

At 3 years "Mommy I love you.
At 10 years "Mom whatever"
At 16 years "Mom your so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house".
At 25 years "Mom you were right".
At 50 years " I don't want to lose my Mom.
At 70 years " I would give up everything to have my mom here with me".

From Jokesrus

AMEN

That's

jjen wrote:
johnm405 wrote:

At 3 years "Mommy I love you.
At 10 years "Mom whatever"
At 16 years "Mom your so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house".
At 25 years "Mom you were right".
At 50 years " I don't want to lose my Mom.
At 70 years " I would give up everything to have my mom here with me".

From Jokesrus

AMEN

A terrible joke, if you can call it that

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Agree

BarneyBadass wrote:
jjen wrote:
johnm405 wrote:

At 3 years "Mommy I love you.
At 10 years "Mom whatever"
At 16 years "Mom your so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house".
At 25 years "Mom you were right".
At 50 years " I don't want to lose my Mom.
At 70 years " I would give up everything to have my mom here with me".

From Jokesrus

AMEN

A terrible joke, if you can call it that

Agee after I posted it then I thought that should be a Mother's Day thing instead of a mother's joke. (Bad)

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

it's more like

johnm405 wrote:
BarneyBadass wrote:
jjen wrote:
johnm405 wrote:

At 3 years "Mommy I love you.
At 10 years "Mom whatever"
At 16 years "Mom your so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house".
At 25 years "Mom you were right".
At 50 years " I don't want to lose my Mom.
At 70 years " I would give up everything to have my mom here with me".

From Jokesrus

AMEN

A terrible joke, if you can call it that

Agee after I posted it then I thought that should be a Mother's Day thing instead of a mother's joke. (Bad)

Something I'd hear an offspring read at their mothers remembrance on say, would have been their mothers 100th birthday

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

OK

BarneyBadass wrote:
johnm405 wrote:
BarneyBadass wrote:
jjen wrote:
johnm405 wrote:

At 3 years "Mommy I love you.
At 10 years "Mom whatever"
At 16 years "Mom your so annoying."
At 18 years "I'm leaving this house".
At 25 years "Mom you were right".
At 50 years " I don't want to lose my Mom.
At 70 years " I would give up everything to have my mom here with me".

From Jokesrus

AMEN

A terrible joke, if you can call it that

Agee after I posted it then I thought that should be a Mother's Day thing instead of a mother's joke. (Bad)

Something I'd hear an offspring read at their mothers remembrance on say, would have been their mothers 100th birthday

Ok you made your point, so what are you trying to say now? We all do thing some times with out thinking.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Back to jokes!

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . .
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta Love Grandmas

Quotes from teachers

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

If God wanted us to vote

*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~

*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~

*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~

*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the
Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
*~Will Rogers~

*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~

*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~

*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the
other.
*~Oscar Ameringer~

*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about
us, I will stop telling the truth about them
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
*~ Tex Guinan~

*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter
to be left to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~

*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks
*~Doug Larson~

*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on
senators.
*~Will Rogers~

BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a
dog!

Quick Groaners-Part 6

What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

haha

haha

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Great Golf Ball

Two guys approached the first tee. The first guy sticks his hand into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, “Hey, why don’t you try this ball?” as he draws a luminous yellow golf ball out of his bag. “You can’t lose it.”
“What do you mean you can’t lose it?!” the second man asks.
“I’m serious, you can’t lose it,” the first replies. “If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound and lights start to flash, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the rough, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”
The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”
The man replied, “I found it.”

I taught a lot of those kids!

I taught a lot of those kids!

Crying Old Man

A man on a business trip finishes up his day and returns to his hotel late very and tired. Before going to bed, he decides to hit the hotel bar for a drink after a hard days work. He enters this popular hotel bar for traveling business men and sees quite a few other guys in the bar doing the same thing. However, he can't help to notice this old man crying.
He walks up and takes a seat next to the old man. He says to him "look old man I'm not sure why you're crying but my life is worse...my job works me 80 hour weeks, my kids hate me, and my ex-wife has taken everything! including 1/2 my income....what's so bad about your life?"
The old man replies "look son....I'm retired, my kids are self dependent / successful, and I have a hot young wife who cooks and sexes me every night"
He looks at the old man in confusion and disgust and says "how is that any worse than what I'm dealing with?"
The old man looks up and replies in tears "I forgot where I live"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

100 camels

A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?" The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Quick Groaners-Part 7

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old

friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the

hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby

now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.

'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

The new math ?

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

At the Barbers shop

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Russian Roulette

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

So here's a story...

A couple years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my room mate, Joseph, barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I don't even remember where he was from, but I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind on that eye. He had to walk around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple months. Then he suddenly disappeared one night, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they had bonded during the time after his injuries and ran away together without even leaving a note behind for me. I tried to track them down but I never found them.
In conclusion; if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A drunk staggers out of a bar and up to two priests…

A drunk staggers out of a bar and up to two priests…
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest. "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

New Pro

“I don’t know about that new pro,” said Cameron at the golf club. “He may be a little strange.”
“Why do you think that?” asked Francis.
“He just tried to correct my stance again,” said Cameron.
“So?” said Francis. “He’s just trying to help your game.”
“Yeah, I know, but I was standing at the urinal at the time.”

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

How redheads are made...

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

OMG

Is that what rust can do to YOU?

geo334 wrote:

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

MEDITATING...THOUGHTS...

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body. And men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

CHEATING AT POKER

A group of businessmen sat down for a game of poker after work. There was quite a lot of money involved, so everyone was a bit on edge. As the cards were dealt, everyone was looking thoroughly at each other. One of the businessmen called the hand and put his cards on the table. The dealer of the group looked flabbergasted and uttered, "Hey, hold on a minute, Luke here is cheating. He's not playing the cards I dealt him!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

HOUSE CALL

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps." As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill." "That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Where Are Your Glasses?

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

A SHORT BUT TRUE STORY

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

DUI - TEXAS STYLE

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The
man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly Observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

"I doubt it",said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

A walk

Walk a mile in my shoes and I will seriously question your judgment.
A mile is a long way: Wear your own shoes and comfortable socks.

My wife

My wife had a go at me last night.
She said "You will drive me to my grave."
I had the car out in 30 seconds.

Flat Tire

A young woman had a flat tire on the interstate.

She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.

She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.

“What’s going on here?” he asked.

“My car has a flat tire,” the woman said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?”

The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.

“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

Slow Play

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with these guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!”
The pastor says, “Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, “That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

test

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing
when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the LochNess monster either!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Never Argue With A Woman Who Reads

An elderly married couple is traveling by car from California to New York for a National Book Conference. After Spending almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to pull over and rent a room. They didn't want to waste much time, so they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
Four hours later when they went down to check out, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00
The old man is shocked and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. The clerk just rolls his eyes and tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. The old man is furious and demands to speak to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him politely, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for them to use.
"But we didn't use them!" the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have." explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could have also gone to one of the many shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here." the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows!" the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager stands his ground firmly, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees to pay. His checkbook is in the car, so he asked his wife to write the check. The Manager watches quietly as she digs through her giant purse, taking her time pulling out books and cosmetics and piling them on the counter. At last she pulls her checkbook from the never ending bag, writes out a check and hands it to the Manager.
The Manager gasps when he looks at the check! "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00!"
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me." she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Name Game

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'”

“Is that so?” the man asked, highly amused.

“It is,” she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?”

Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsengolf.”

Not a bad deal...

I like her business acumen!

Timantide wrote:

An elderly married couple is traveling by car from California to New York for a National Book Conference. After Spending almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to pull over and rent a room. They didn't want to waste much time, so they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
Four hours later when they went down to check out, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00
The old man is shocked and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. The clerk just rolls his eyes and tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. The old man is furious and demands to speak to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him politely, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for them to use.
"But we didn't use them!" the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have." explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could have also gone to one of the many shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here." the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows!" the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager stands his ground firmly, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees to pay. His checkbook is in the car, so he asked his wife to write the check. The Manager watches quietly as she digs through her giant purse, taking her time pulling out books and cosmetics and piling them on the counter. At last she pulls her checkbook from the never ending bag, writes out a check and hands it to the Manager.
The Manager gasps when he looks at the check! "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00!"
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me." she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Yep

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory!

The Irish never hesitate

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man (air
passengers in this case).

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from
Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following
painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

*“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has
been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has
happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we
received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and
inconvenience."*

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

*"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can
eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 7-hour
flight.”*

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later

*"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."*

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

The Nice Man Became Impatient

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

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