Factory Joke Thread – May 2017

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife.

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So, the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

A man goes to see the pope.
"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"
The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"
The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."
The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."
The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."
The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!
The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then-
"And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

These are from a book called "Disorder in Court" and are things people actually said, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the responsibility of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________ _

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ ___

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________ _ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

It'll never last.

Good One!!

A guy goes walking in the woods when he comes across a big black bear. He stops, looks around and finds a very big rock. He picks up the rock, takes aim, throws the rock and misses. The bear sees the guy take off running and gives chase, he’s pissed. When the bear catches the guy he strips him naked, turns him over and has his way with him sexually. When the bear's done he leaves the guy in a heap on the ground and walks away.

Several weeks go by and the guy is fuming mad at that bear. He goes back into the woods looking to get his revenge. He takes his compound bow and several arrows with him. He sees the bear in an opening; stops; loads an arrow; takes aim and fires - he misses the bear wide. Before he can load another arrow the bear charges him as he takes off running. Once again the bear catches the guy, strips him naked, turns him over and has his way with him sexually. When the bear is done he leaves the guy in a heap on the ground and walks away.

This guy is thoroughly pissed at the bear and has had enough - he wants the bear dead in the worse way. He goes back into the woods hunting the bear. He has his Browning semi-automatic shotgun loaded with 5 slugs cradled in his arms and his Desert Eagle .50 cal. pistol strapped to his side. He stalks the bear deep into the woods where he spies him in a clearing eating a freshly caught salmon. Shaking, he drops to one knee, raises the Browning and takes aim just as the bear catches a glimpse of him. He’s shaking very badly as he squeezes the trigger - he misses the bear by a country mile.

The guy throws the Browning, turns and runs to no avail - the bear gives chase and catches the hapless guy once again. The bear tosses the guy to the ground, strips him naked, turns him over and has his way with him sexually again. When the bear is done he leaves the guy in a heap and starts to walks away.

As the bear gets about ten feet from the guy he turns around, looks at the guy and says ‘you really don’t want to kill me do you?’

A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

You may think that your brain is the most important organ, but then you realize what’s telling you that.

Good One!!

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said: "I forgot my teeth."

"No problem," the man said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth: "Try these."

The speaker tried them: "Too loose," he said.

The man then said: "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded: "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said: "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker tried them and said: "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him: "I want to thank you for coming to my aid," he said: "Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied: "Oh, I'm not a Dentist. I'm an UnderTaker."